Football - extracurricular skills and experience you will bring to Rotman Commerce?

Is my essay well written? It is supposed to be less than 400 words.

"Real thinking is hard -not only laborious but more often than not unsuccessful, leaving us with a frustrating sense of our own inadequacy and our ignorance, not to mention exposing these two raised eyebrows of others" the profound words of Bryan Magee. Being a member of the philosophy club thought me to think and live in a logical manner. ..

Please be critical....

"Real thinking is hard -not only laborious but more often than not unsuccessful, leaving us with a frustrating sense of our own inadequacy and our ignorance, not to mention exposing these two raised eyebrows of others" the profound words of Bryan Magee (this sentence should have a verb). Being a member of the philosophy club thoughttaught me to think and live in a logical manner. The single hour, on the Thursday of every week we met was short-livedshort but gave me knowledge and skills I could hold onto for eternity. I have been equipped with the ability to think and react to situations in a way the majority will not(how? elaborate!). Upon entranceadmission into Rotman Commerce, my ability to reason to a higher degree will place me on a pedestal far above that my peers, as well as help me discover ways to tackle problems I will encounter at Rotman Commerce and the business world.

Football is the most demanding of all team sports and is designed in such a way that one person cannot win it alone. In similarity, the world is designed in the same approach. Playing on my school's football team furnished me with the idea of tolerance and unity. I learned to accept the difference in views that people shared and how to work with others to the benefit of both parties. Being able to unite and tolerate others will enable me to work with other students from all places, to the betterment and achievement of the utmost success at Rotman Commerce. (team work is important but unity between teams doesn't make sense)

While in boarding school abroad, I was elected as a prefect. This position was one of high demand; only the most suitable and well skilled person was selected. The pressure that came with the position was overwhelming and required the most of my time and train of thought. With time I developed the skill and experience of working well under pressure and utilizing every opportunity I attained to the fullest. The pressure students including myself will face at Rotman Commerce will in no way affect me but to a certain extent bring out the best in me.

Your ideas are good but you can present them better. If this is one essay, the three paragraphs do not connect in any way.The introduction should give insight to the reader what's coming forth. The transitioning needs to be better. Insert words like moreover etc to make the transition smoother. Avoid using superlatives excessively esp in last paragraph. Cut down on adjectives and use more verbs which reflect your activeness and participation in your ecs.

Good Luck :)

Some would argue that it is not the most demanding, and I think all team sports are designed in such a way.

...two raised eyebrows of others." These are the profound words of Bryan Magee.

And let's change one word here:
The pressure students including myself will face at Rotman Commerce will in no way affect discourage me but instead, to a certain extent, bring out the best in me.---and I added some commas.

:-)