Hello everyone at Essay Forum,
I hope this finds you well.
The following essay is for a scholarship due on June 30th. I have been trying to find as many scholarships I can apply to. This essay is quite fun, and I think you will have fun reading it. It is just a draft though, so there will be many grammar and sentence mistakes, but I want to see if you were entertained and if it makes sense. It is a bit creative, but I think I did follow the prompt.
Thank you for any advice. I am grateful.
The Prompt:
Please apply by writing a 500-1,000 word essay describing new ways that people will pay for things 100 years from now. Think of how different payments are today from 100 years ago and predict what it will be like in the year 2116. Be creative, but keep it plausible. While we call it the Accounts Payable Scholarship, you don't need to focus on accounts payable; you can describe personal or business payments or both. It can be a thorough description of the payment process, or it can be in the form of a short story, but the payment process should be well defined.
My Essay - 800 words:
Dear friend, I hope you are doing well wherever you are. I am in need of your help. Next month, I have an appointment with Genetics and Futurism, a company in charge of installing nanotechnology inside our wrists. This small chip, called Port-Aid, I will use to identify myself and to pay for services while traveling to other planets. My mother thinks our future will be better in Mars, which was colonized back in 2050. It is the year 2116 today, and we are a few of the members of my family left on Earth. "Juan, do not forget about the importance of the chip; you cannot leave the planet without it!" That's my mother, reminding me daily that we are leaving, and I cannot completely wrap my head around it.
I decided to visit Arnhem Land, a territory in North Australia where the Yirrkala Aboriginals live. They claim to have existed since 45,000 years ago, and their population is growing throughout country. Since the top countries began establishing a futuristic living, migrating to other planets, eliminating paper, and promoting contactless forms of payment, the aboriginals have used Australia as a way station to the past. They do not want to form part of the futuristic world. My reason for visiting this country is to learn of those who live in a world where paper still exists, to remind myself of what our world was once, and to find out where it is possibly headed.
Arriving to Yirrkala was quite challenging. Airports where eliminated throughout the country, only allowing expeditions, visitations, and currency exchange from Australia's Visitor Airport, located in the center of the country. Their currency, the Kitut, is similar to the old bills that were handwritten back in the 1900's. However, most nations eliminated paper currency back in the year 2030. Australia, though, is reversing and trying to eliminate any form of advancement in technology. Later that day, after exchanging digital dollars to Kituts, we headed North in a charter bus owned by the airport. We arrived in five hours. Upon getting out, I noticed that this was no longer a city. It was more of a camp in a dirt land by the ocean and large mountains surrounded it, and it seemed as if people live in caves. There are no streetlights or buildings. This is really an ancient place.
The next day, I parted to a small shop in the city of Darwin, where aboriginals craft Bark paintings. People in the streets sold their art, bracelets, chains, and art craft in the floor atop a cloth made out of hand. I walked up to a girl that sold the Bark art. She had green eyes and an inviting smile. Her lips, smooth. She looked like one of those models in the digital ads. Her dark skin-tone gave off her ancestry. I gave her two Kituts, which bought me three paintings with patterns and colors. I want to take these artifacts with me before departing to Mars forever. Yet something struck me about this girl. While her eyes pierced mine, they magically made me tremble and freeze in awe. Friend, I believe I found my soul mate. I love her. She feels the same way about me, because I can feel the sensation upon looking at her. Even though we do not understand each other, I feel as if we have found each other after so long.
Now, I sit here in my tent room in despair. Tomorrow, is my last day before leaving to the states to begin packing for my trip to outer Earth, Mars, a planet where paying for a service does not involve paper, cards, or any form of contact. When asked to pay for something, say food or a car, you simply tell your mind to gather funds to pay for the services. The signals your mind sends are connected to the chip in the wrist, which acts as a wireless input and output. In order to activate the payment form, I simply think about my bank and can access the funds fast and easy. I can approach any screen to pay for anything by raising my hand. The funds are automatically taken out of my account. This has been an improved way to pay for services, and it has saved the nations trillions of dollars, as we don't have to make things to pay for services. Rather, it only involves a small recyclable chip and the use of the mind.
Now, what should I do? I have fallen in love with this simple girl who lives among the aboriginals. Should I stay and get to know this woman who lives in an ancient country? Or should I move to Mars, where the future exists and the air is as clean as linen. Do I evolve to a future or stay here and reverse to an ancient yet more personable world?
Please give me some advice. You alone out of all the people know me the most. Help me make the right decision.
Your friend,
Juan Sebastian Rubio
Juan, I think the prompt is quite unique. It is somewhat different from any prompts that I've ever known. I believe that the story that you've created is creative and somehow it makes sense. Who knows in 100 years ahead people will be able to migrate to other planets easily. If the prompt asks you to defined the payment process. You've done it very well. I reckon that the story is another point but it didn't disturb the way you explain the payment process. So, I think it is a well-written essay. However, I've also found some of grammatical inaccuracies that perhaps you can improve. The detailed descriptions below would explain it briefly.
4th paragraph:
- She had green eyes and an invitinga tempting smile. Her lips was really smooth.
- She looked like one of those beautiful/sexy models in the digital ads.
- Friend, I believe I found my soulmate.
5th paragraph:
- Tomorrow is my last day before leaving... (if it was an appositive, you need one more word. If you give comma, the subject is missing.)
6th paragraph:
- Or should I move to Mars? It is a place where the future exists and the air is as clean as linen.
As seen, only minor flaws that matters. I believe that you've always composed a good piece of writing. It is nice to read your essay. Good luck for the scholarship mate :)
Hi Juan, first of all, I loved reading your essay, it's not only futuristic but also very possible to take effect in the near future.
What's more interesting is that. the writing is very creative, you approached the essay in a way that the reader will think and question the logic of the essay, in the end, the reader will then realize that it is a backward approach or back to the future effect just like the movies.
Overall, I believe the essay is fairly written. you manage to come up with a unique approach in writing following what was suggested in the prompt. Also, you made sure that, from the beginning of the essay all through out the rest of the paper, you are able to smoothly transitioned your ideas. Furthermore, you delivered the creative attributes in writing.
However, the grammar can still be polished and I can see that you received necessary modifications on this part of the essay too.
For future writing reference, mind the constructions of your ideas, sometimes we are so immersed in our writing that we just write without properly checking our sentences construction.
Hi Juan, no worries at all, we are always here to help you with all your writing projects, no matter what your needs are, we are here for you and we will continue providing you the most accurate and constructive criticisms.
What I love about your writing technique is that, you see to it that you adhere to the instructions given or asked of the prompt. A good example is this recent essay that you have, the prompt ask for yo to answer it in a creative way and you delivered, it also asked to highlight a particular subject that should be observed in your essay and once again, you delivered.
For your future reference, create a consistency in your essays substance or sense, this is attained by making sure that, as you always do, you develop a free and smooth flow of your ideas as well that creative effort without compromising the purpose of your essay.
'til your next writing project, we are here to review and provide you with the most valuable advise.
