Hello everyone, I'm writing this essay to apply global UGRAD program. I would appreciate your advice and comments. Thank you!
//P.S. English isn't my mother tongue.//
Essay Choice C: Martin Luther King Jr. said "Everybody can be great...because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love." Describe an instance where you gave back to your community. How will the Global UGRAD program help you continue to serve your community?
The leadership idea by Martin Luther King
"A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus." said Martin Luther King Jr. This idea of leadership from King basically describes his whole life's work as a civil rights activist. Apart from his incredible aptitude, his will and devotion are significant part of his successful work. Many people worldwide, as well as I, are inspired by King' speech that anyone can serve humanity or even change the world.
Once I received an opportunity to become a volunteer English teacher in a remote school, located in Kalasin, Thailand. I got to help some poor students that can't afford to get decent education since there were not enough skilled teachers. I taught them basic English, for example, the alphabets, colors, numbers, days, months and some basic conversations. My teaching plan is to keep their attention by some fun activities like drawing, coloring, singing and watching educational videos. Furthermore, I attended a reforestation project in Khon Kaen, my hometown, to volunteer planting trees. It's an arid area where the forest was destroyed and deforested. I went there to plant trees to restore the area. This project restored not only an area, but also local fauna. They were such great experiences to have. After I've done those projects, I felt that I could contribute to society even though I know it was not that much of a deal, and that makes me delightful.
From my previous experiences, I believe that I can serve society more in the future. One of my plan is to solve marine problems, for example, pollution from oil leak and garbage, climate change and sea life. For the first step, I have to learn more about marine science and technology, but in Thailand, it is lack of advanced technology for study about these fields. Therefore, I believe that the Global UGRAD program will help me achieve my goal, because many of the top quality of marine universities are in the United State. In addition, there are a lot of interested marine projects. It would be great if I can participate in this program, learn and gain more knowledge that can benefit me and my country.
As I have said, I really hope that I can be a part of the Global UGRAD program. It's such a great opportunity for me to experience different styles of education that can't be exposed in my country. I'm determined to learn and give back to community as much as possible.
As a whole I think the tone of the essay is quite good, you talk about two great community service programs, as well as reflect in a very good way about MLK and his help to the world, which I think was a good way to introduce your essay.
There are some grammar mistakes that I found, the changes I did are marked in italics:
After doing these projects, I felt that I could contribute to society even though ...
This last sentence about them not being much of a deal, I think you could change it for something less casual, or erase it completely because it feels like you're diminishing your projects, which in fact are truly amazing projects that I think almost no one has experienced.
One of my plansis to solve marine problems, for example, (...) climate change and the reduction of sea life. The first step is learning more about marine science and technology, but in Thailand, there is lack of advanced technology for studyon these fields.
... the Global UGRAD program can help me achieve my goal,...
In addition, there are a lot of interesting marine projects. It would be great if I could participate in this program,so that I learn and gain more knowledge ...
... styles of education thatI can't be exposed to in my country.
Hope this helps, as a said before, your essay and the topics you talk about are pretty good.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,880 3554
Mind, there is no need to refer to the MLK Jr. quote at the start of your essay. While it was given as the basis of your prompt requirement, it is unnecessary to make additional reference to MLK Jr. within your response. It was a quote that stood alone and did not properly introduce or transition the 2nd paragraph. If the opening statement cannot create a strong foundation for the succeeding paragraphs by creating a connection between thoughts and sentiments, then the opening statement should either be deleted or revised. In this instance, I believe that you can just delete it because paragraph 2 is so strong that it actually helps to move your essay along in a stronger and faster manner.
That said, you need to present more specific ideas as to how UGRAD will be able to help you better prepare to help your community. There needs to be specific references to say, a university that you hope to attend in order to take advantage of their marine biology training program. This is the one instance when you are being allowed to influence the point of view of the reviewer regarding the university you wish to attend. Do not waste it. Look up the notable marine biology schools online and pick one to represent your decision in the essay. Make sure that this is the university that you are willing to and looking forward to attending so that you can properly justify your choice in the essay.