GKS-International Business Major
Haii guys I need your help to review my Personal Statement and also my grammer.
Thank you
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
-Education Background
- Significant experiences you have had; persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
Graduated as a bachelor of accounting at the first public university in the XXX Province made me become a big hope for the university to be a pioneer in building an advanced nation's civilization. Indonesia is the second-largest tin producing country in the world, the tin sector has various impacts on various changes in Indonesia, especially on my island, namely XXX province, ranging from access to economic welfare until environmental problems. This indicates there are impacts that are felt locally in the area around the mine. That is very clearly visible is the natural damage and many people lost their lives because of tin. In fact, the amount of tin production produced does not only come from the production of tin companies in XXX and XXX islands, but also tin that comes from unconventional tin mining activities which are a mining category both on land and at sea. If you take a plane to XXX, the capital of the XXX Islands, when you land, you will see dozens of blue and green lakes. These lakes are not natural formations, but ponds of former tin mining called 'kolong'. People are restless, public unrest is peaking and many demonstrations are being carried out to immediately end tin mining which has a huge impact on the environment, especially the fishermen who mostly work on this island because the sea is starting to be polluted and many fish die, resulting in a decrease in people's income.
As a tourism ambassador, especially in XXX Regency, I often raise issues of the destruction of nature due to tin mining and an underdeveloped economic cycle for people who do not have knowledge about it. There are still many people who do not care, it turns out that they only focus on making as much profit as possible. Afterward, the government agency for the Regional Development Planning and Research Development Agency of the XXX Province voiced the existence of a Green Economy to Support Sustainable Economy Development in the Province of XXX, one of them is by using the forest for the cultivation of local honey or usually called Kelulut Honey. The development of kelulut honey in villages in the province of the XXX Province was marked by the inauguration of the XXX Village by the Governor of the XXX Province. According to the people of XXX, kelulut honey has promising prospects. Moreover, the benefits of local honey are very good for health. Now several villages have been cultivating the local honey either in the backyard or in the forest. like what I met in XXX Village,XXX Regency, XXX Islands Province when doing a social action internship for advanced university students in 2019. This local honey cultivation has entered the Singapore market but the lack of innovation and collaboration makes it less able to stand in the global market, because their limited knowledge and skills in the business field make them unable to reach good global market competition and get this problem in other villages or small communities in XXX Province. As a local honey entrepreneur, I also feel a significant impact from the consumer demand especially in the global market.
Entering the business world since the first semester at my previous university based on my desire to make my own money makes me more and more fond challenges start from building a business through consistency of running a business, in spite of as an accounting student but there are several courses that I took regarding business study consist of Introduction to business and management. Active as a committee in national and international events such as international workshop held by the AISEC organization, Wonderful Sail 2 Indonesia event, International Model United Nation as a campus ambassador, National Seminar on Management, Economics, and Accounting and others makes me meet a lot of great people, one of them is my lecture who inspired me to explore business lore her name is XXX. She is dean of the Faculty of Economics at XXX University. Besides being a lecturer she have her own business it makes her have a lot of experience and knowledge from her about business itself. In 2019 I decided to join the Indonesian Young Entrepreneurs Association and was officially inaugurated in 2020. Being the youngest member and the only one in the local honey business in this organization is again a challenge for me to be able to adapt and contribute together to build the Indonesian economy and business together with the government become a developed country like South Korea.
South Korea's Independence Day or 'Gwangbokjeol' is commemorated on August 15, 1945 which is not much different from Indonesia's Independence Day, which is on August 17, 1945. However, by 1995 South Korea had become the 11th largest economy in the world. South Korea's phenomenal economic growth is also known as the "Miracle on Han River". Indonesia and South Korea have almost the same start of economic development with the per capita income of the population which is also almost the same but with different achievements. There is a contrast between the economic success of these two countries as seen in the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) per capita of the two countries which is much different. The key to South Korea's success is to protect, support, and strengthen the local community industries so that they can compete globally with the resources they have. The thing that fascinates me the most is attaching great importance to the national interest and in 1960s South Korea restrict foreign direct investment and more choose to take an outside loan country to prevent foreign industry which is feared to weaken the domestic industry which is assessed have not been able to compete with foreign products. Therefore, the local business industry in South Korea is growing fast accompanied by an increasingly advanced education system to produce quality human resources. The real evidence of the progress of South Korean education is the Global Korean Scholarship program. I believe that having a Global Korean Scholarship can be a golden bridge for me as an Indonesian youth in building innovation and collaboration together.
The places with great priority on the happiness of its residents by supporting youth by achieving a second "economic renaissance" through the innovation of its industrial structure accompanied by several city goals consisting of City of opportunity, City of opportunity, Pleasant city, Happy city, and City of participation is XXX. XXX city also cares about the environment and nature by prioritizing "Green Energy" in economic and business development, the same as the local government program in Indonesia, namely "Green Economy". This city is suitable for young people like me to improve skills and innovate, especially for the local honey business that I run to be able to compete globally while preserving the environment and nature.
The quality of education in XXX City is unquestionable too. By choosing the best university in XXX, XXX University runs a variety of programs that are considered the best in Korea for supporting creative, high potential young entrepreneurs. Its start-up company incubating arrangements range from leave of absence for starting a business to the admission of young entrepreneurs, scholarships for business start-ups, and the Graduate School of Global Entrepreneurs, thus allowing students to study and run businesses simultaneously. many achievements that have been achieved by XXX university such as being selected in 2011 for a project sponsored by Small and Medium Business Administration to foster startup and was established as a leading and selected university in 2012 for the LINC (Leaders in Industry/University Cooperation) project by Ministry of Education, designed to facilitate joint development universities and local businesses and to develop and launch various academic-business collaboration model. XXX has been successfully completed cycle I (2012-2013), received the highest rating 'excellent' for three years in a row (2014-2016), and now has successfully logged in to the second cycle of the project. Total the number of sponsors five years to 20.6 billion won. A green campus atmosphere is the hallmark of a well-maintained environment, I believe XXX University can guide me to become the Light of the World (Slogan Campus).Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 I do not know where to begin with the review of this essay. It is just a horrible piece of writing that does more to confuse the reviewers rather than convincing them that the applicant is worthy of a slot as a GKS scholar. I mean, the overly long story about tin at the beginning does not segue into something of significance in the actual essay. The information provided is so badly worded, it is hard to believe that a college graduate who is a professional is actually writing this piece.
The thought presentation in the essay tends to trail off into various topics, within a single sentence. It is almost as if the writer is not even making an effort to be understood in this personal statement. My suggestion is this. Hire a writing tutor. Someone who can help you actually develop a relevant essay, based on the prompt requirements. A person who will be able to help you edit the content for relevance and allow you to develop the essay based on relevant observations of the writing progression. As of now, I cannot say that this essay can be useful even if edited.
A new essay, written from scratch must be created to better suit the prompt requirements. Do not write 2 pages worth of nonsense and irrelevant information. Writing a single page to a page and a half of useful information will be far better in accomplishment. 2 pages is only the maximum page count. That does not mean you have to complete 2 pages containing gibberish.
