GKS-U PERSONAL STATEMENT - Architectural Engineering Major

Hello, I plan to apply for the GKS scholarship selection next month. can you give me feedback? what is wrong with my essay and what needs to be improved. I would appreciate you for correcting my writing, thank you^^

PERSONAL STATEMENT - ARCHITECTURAL ENGINEERING

"Truth and beauty are two different things, but science and art are inseparable."

These are the two things that I am most passionate about. That's why I pursued architectural engineering as a profession because I see it as a career path where the two are related. With the desire to explore how science and technology can be used to improve the performance of buildings both socially and environmentally, architecture has invited me to think creatively and scientifically with the aesthetic and functional aspects of design. Alvar Aalto said, "Building art is a synthesis of life in materialised form. We must try to bring under the same hat not a splintered way of thinking, but all in the same harmony." The desire to make the world a better place for people to live has been my greatest influence in pursuing architecture as a profession. Therefore, I believe that studying architectural engineering at university will open many doors for me in later life, with the support facilities provided by "university's name", will support me to contribute to the creation of architecture culture and academic development of Korea and Indonesia. I know that I would truly enjoy the course and believe that your program will provide me with the desirable knowledge, skills, and practice to pursue my career in Architectural engineering.

I was born as the eldest of two children where my father worked as a navy soldier and my mother was a career woman. My father was the one who introduced me to art for the first time. Therefore, my father has supported me to learn more about art, by not forgetting the main academic subjects. Since childhood, I have studied in a very academic public school, but when I entered junior high school, I was sent to a private school where my other talents and abilities began to develop well, starting from learning foreign languages such as English and Japanese, then representing the school in various drawing competitions as well as basic leadership training. I went back to public school at the high school level, and there I studied more science which took me to several national competitions and prepared me to be ready to go on to the university level.

During my high school years, I always tried new things which could give me more experience. I dedicated myself to art extracurriculars at school, for sports activities I chose taekwondo and managed to get several gold medals, I also joined an English club which improved my level of English skills, and I was included by the school to represent various cities and national level olympiads. In the last year of school, I was given the task of making an abstract sculpture made of some predetermined cube blocks from school, then I designed it myself so that it could form four fulcrums with an upward curvature. Not only that, but the group I joined also received an award for the best traditional house mock-up design project made of real materials such as iron wire, plywood, and white cement which I tried to make lighter and easier to carry. Of these two works, I received awards as the two best artwork in the school's final project celebration week. all the experiences that I have gained so far, have raised me to be someone quick to learn, willing to struggle and learn new things, willing to take risks, responsible for the choices I make, able to work with a team, easy to get along with many people, and most importantly I want to get out of my comfort zone and be able to make a positive impact on many people. With my interest in applying science to the original identity of a building style, I believe I will be able to contribute to creating a comfortable and beautiful environment for many people. As stated in the book "Ten books on architecture"-"An architect ought to be able to accomplish much more in all the arts and sciences". that's what makes me no doubt at all in taking architectural engineering to be a profession that I will be in the future.

One thing that made me consider studying in South Korea is that I see this as a promising career opportunity in the future to increase my qualifications in the working world later, this has led me to learn a new language in a country rich in culture, this will also definitely provide myself to have relevant connections and lasting friends, food that is still very tolerable for Indonesians like me, get comfortable and easy living facilities with technological advances that have developed very rapidly, get the opportunity to study at a university that has gained recognition internationally, and more importantly, all of this will provide far-reaching experience and mature me to become someone who can be considered in various aspects in applying for my future job. This will certainly take me one step further towards success, where I will strengthen the friendship between the two countries, Korea and Indonesia. I believe I deserve this scholarship because it will help me achieve my long-term goals. By continuing my education in the sciences and arts, I can work towards my career goals in the development industry. I aim to develop myself further in college to gain a lot of experience and be able to inspire students in my home country to be motivated to study in South Korea in the future. Because I think experience is the best teacher all the time.

Thank you for considering my application. I am so looking forward to entering this program.

The reviewer wishes to get to know the applicant through lien own words. The constant use of citations in the essay does not help accomplish that. To refer to these people as inspirations is one thing, using their words to describe you though, is unacceptable because the idol and the applicant are 2 different people. The reviewers prefer originals to applicants who try to become copycats by insinuating a commonality between known names and themselves. Talk of inspiration but, never cite their words to describe your personality, emotions, or beliefs.

By the way, the application is for an undergraduate course. Why is the term "pursued" used then? Has the student already completed a related undergraduate course? If so then the student will be disqualified as he should be applying for an M instead. Correct the reference word if it is incorrect.

Remove group accomplishment references. Only individual accomplishments matter in this case. Regardless of whether it is a co or extra curricularactivity, it is the individual accomplishment that matters. Specific mention of the competition name is a must as well. Do not make vague references because, if you are called in for an interview, follow-up questions will be asked.