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GKS U 2022 - Personal Statement for computer science


honokame12 1 / 1  
Aug 1, 2021   #1

Computer Science is essential in my life



Hello, can you guys give me a honest feedback on my personal statement?

Here are the guidelines:
-Motivations with which you apply for this program
-Family and Education background
-Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

-Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
-If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

"Computer Science is one of the best features you can use to describe me. I didn't choose it, it came into my life naturally. Being surrounded by computers since I was a baby, my knowledge grew exponentially as I grew up. But the turning point was at my twelves. At this age, as a way of practicing my English skills that I was able to learn by myself, I decided to study more about computers with the help of the internet and after a brief search on the term "morning glory", the notebook brand in which I used to take notes, my life changed completely. The language, the people, the food and the unique culture. Being faced with so many cultural and language barriers, one of the first things that I found in common with Korea was technology. It felt like we spoke the same language. Over time, I learned that these barriers could be overcomed just like I managed to overcome the ones in computing. From hangul to society, in these 8 years Korea has been my ally and source of inspiration, that's why it is one of the reasons that motivated me to win this scholarship. And, as computing is a field that requires constant updating, creativity, knowledge and innovation to adapt to the world market, South Korea is the perfect place to study it. It successfully meets and exceeds all these qualifications, and through this scholarship, I will not only enjoy an important cultural exchange, but I will also be able to broaden my academic perspectives and ensure that in the future I can start my own software company and be one of the notable names of technology in xxx.

Optimistically, hard working and reasonable is how I have been living my life until now and I am very grateful to be born in an open minded and supportive family. Since my early days curiosity has been one of my greatest traits, so my parents advised me that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I prioritized studies and remained honest. Combining curiosity, encouragement from my parents and inspiration from them, I was able to become a person who is always willing to face new challenges to achieve my goals. I finished elementary school being the no.1 student in the entire school, participating in the ballet, tap dance, computer, acting and music clubs, where I was able to expand my social skills, discover my interest in arts and a way to relieve stress. During this period I also did volunteer work at "xxx" and at the orphanage "xxx" with some other students from the school. With these two opportunities I learned that people come and go in our lives and that's why we need to enjoy every moment spent with them, so I always kept a good relationship with everyone around me. In high school it was no different. I continued to participate in the acting and music clubs and dedicated myself to being one of the best students at the school. Thanks to my efforts, I was considered a reference student during the three years of high school and obtained a certificate of excellence for my dedication and leadership towards my team in the "Stock Exchange Project" where we actively participated in all complementary activities of the school subjects between 2016 and 2018. I also actively participated in the production and participation of the school's cultural events, as well as participated in lectures and fundraising. Since the end of high school I have been studying Korean on my own, however it was only in the beginning of 2020 that I enrolled in Sejong Hakdang where I currently find myself at level 2. Also, I became a member of SAYUL, a non-governmental organization present in 25 universities in Seoul, which enabled me to meet not only Koreans but people from all over the world, where we, together, help to promote korean culture around the globe. I also gained a lot of computing knowledge, took courses such as Michigan University's Problem Solving Using Computational Thinking, CS50's Introduction to Computer Science by Harvard University, and attended lectures provided by Samsung Ocean that enabled me to learn more about IT.

Technology is an area that became essential to the development of human kind, and since this area is not much explored in xxx, GKS will be a great opportunity as I am unable to afford the costs of a university in Korea. GKS is the key to achieving my goal of being the pivot to the growth of the technological market in Brazil. Also, no other scholarship will give me the same experience since I will be studying in a country where education is valued and is the leader in technology while I experience the culture of a country that I admire so much. I hope to be able to return to xxx and disseminate the knowledge acquired in Korea while achieving my goals. At this point, there are no boundaries I cannot break. GKS will be a hard challenge but another one to succeed. As a person who adapts easily, enjoys learning and making new friends, I am certainly ready to take this challenge and complete 5 years of study in Korea."
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780  
Aug 2, 2021   #2
The first paragraph is a bit confusing. The topic suddenly changed from the depiction of the writer's interest in computer science to an interest in Korea, midstream and without warning. There is also the misplaced language study presentation that does not belong in this discussion since there is a seperate language study plan tobe witten as a part of the application.

The motivation of the student to study in Korea makes it seem like a misplaced obsession of a personal nature. That must be revised to reflect a solid career path that a Korean education can support. Actually , that is one of the weakest aspects of this discussion. The writer has truly failed to write a compelling plea with this essay. I believe that it is the lack of highlightable accomplishments that did this. The writer needs to go into precise details of individual and individual accomplishments within a group setting. The academic community participation and other accomplishments are presented in a forgettable manner as well. The obstacles discussion does not prove a type of maturity that indicates a sense of maturity that could have prepared the applicant for separation from his family and an ability to succeed in unfamiliar surroundings.

The essay depicts a somewhat established student, but not established enough to compete with other far more accomplished applicants from the applicant's home country. It will not catch the reviewer's interest.
OP honokame12 1 / 1  
Aug 7, 2021   #3
@Holt Hello, I changed my essay and revised some parts. Can you give your opinion?


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