Hello, I hope you can help me in improving my essay for the GKS UNDERGRADUATE scholarship.
The writing must included :
- reason in applying for the program
- family background
- academic background
- achievement or experience that gives a big impact in my life
Thankyou in advanced!
Teaching is not only just about giving the material and tell the student about how 1+1=2. It is not only about giving lecture. For it is also about moving one's heart and touching one's soul from the way we teach. It always amaze me how the teachers work in leaving a big part in someone's life. It is not an easy path in becoming one. Thus, it become a challenge for someone who's willing on going through that path. It became a challenge, for me.
My name is vauline. I was bornt as the eldest sister in my family. I had a younger brother which is in 2nd grade of senior highschool, a mother and also a father that has passed away 5 years ago. After the leaving of my father, my mother acts as the backbone for our family, which requires her to go to work far away to another country in order to support me and my brother. Leaving us with our grandparents who took us under their care along this passed 5 years. Living with a grandmother, who was once a teacher, really gives a whole new insight about the world of education. Not only act as the lecturer in the house, she also gives a big supporting role in my academic background.
Many things I achieved along my 3 years of becoming a senior highschool student. Interested in literature and art, I often followed a speech competition, singing competition, whether it's using Indonesian or foreign language such as English. Being a final candidate for the national singing competition and winning for almost all the English speech competition i've ever joint, never make me thing that I would be interested in teaching. Until a spark of moment happened in my life.
It was 1 month passed after I graduated from highschool. A teacher of mine, name Miss Nicky suddenly contacted me. She ask do I had any interested in helping her with teaching in her English courses. I was both happy and confused at the same time. Even having an excellent academic background does not make someone becoming an excellent teacher. But then again, I'd thinked that this would be a great opportunity for me to learnt some new experiences, that makes me to accepted her offer.
1st day as a teacher, and it was not as easy as I thought. One thing that I realized is that the student that I teached, does not accepted me as her teacher. She was a 2nd grade student. She would often avoid my question, pretending not to hear any of the material, and worst, she even ask me when do the teacher change back to the previous teacher (Miss Nicky). I was faced with many obstacle and challenges in my 1 month of teaching. I often do a research about "how to be a good teacher", compiling the material that I had to teaches, leveling up my knowledge so that the student does not doubted me, and receiving many new insight from many people who also going through the same path. I learnt a lot. Even when I managed to built a bond with my student, and how I've finally found my "teaching" style is, everyday is always a new learning experience. There's no stop in studying things when you decided to be a teacher.
Unfortunately, from where I came from, being a teacher is not considered as something special. Not only it is underappreciated, a teacher has also lost it's value, result in many high potential people often thinked twice when becoming a teacher. even when a teacher wants to give a protest, the society would shut them up with "then why becoming a teacher if you are not sincere in giving the knowledge" sentences. Knowing that my goal is not only to "teach", I'm also willing to change the perspective of the society about the world of education is.
That is why I chose Korea. A country that takes education and teaching experiences to a whole another level. The teaching curriculum provided by almost every university of this major is also modern which is equivalent to the international level, result in producing many skilled and competent teachers. Simple, yet matters, Korea is also one of the country that valued it teachers the most. As someone who wish to enroll in a world of education, Korea will be the perfect place to take my next study. Not only developing the knowledge that I will received, becoming a bridge that will help in advancing education for both of my country, Indonesia and Korea is also one of my main goals. Thus, GKS will be the one that will enable me in becoming that bridge.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 There are several instances in this essay where the student sounds like he/she learned to speak and write in English from Star wars movies. I could almost hear Yoda talking in my head. That is not a good sign in terms of vocabulary usage and clear thought presentation in this essay. The Yoda like tone makes the essay laughable at times and will make the reviewers wonder if the student actually won English competitions as claimed. The essay is riddled with improper grammar, sentence formations, and confusing information. Did both parents die 5 years ago? Nope, it was just the dad that died but the student made it sound like he/she was orphaned at first. This is just one reference to several confusing and misleading statements made by the applicant in the essay. The misleading statements made could actually make this person disqualified from the very start of the screening process.
Since this is an application for a U scholarship, why does it seem like the applicant became a full fledged teacher merely on the question and assignment of a teacher he/she admired before? It certainly sounds like the applicant is doing the job of an actual teacher and therefore should be applying for an M scholarship instead. Unless, due to the English inadequacies of the student, a misconception was presented and the applicant was only a tutor to the said problem student? There is a lack of activity clarity in that aspect.
Basically, this is one confusing essay that needs to be either rewritten or edited by a professional English speaking writer. The applicant, who is now on the second version of the same application essay is not really improving the presentation. It is getting worse at this point.
