Global culture and academic environment - KGSP Letter of self introduction

Hello, I going to apply for KGSP for undergrade students. I write this letter but ı felt like ı have some lackings. I'm open to feedbacks thank you for reviewing.

cold-blooded scientists

My name is Yusuf Yılmaz. I'm 19 years old and my family's fourth and last child. My mother is a housewife and my dad is a retired worker. My big sister is married and has 2 children. My second sister is taking care of my brother who is %100 disabled. Doctors were unable to diagnosis my brother's illness. My dad and mother were a peasant but they moved to the city with expectations to find a better job. But we returned to our village after my father's retirement.

I take my high school education in one of the most prestigious high school of Muğla, Muğla Anadolu Highschool. At that times my biggest ambition was enrolling in school. After accomplishing it, I suffered a slump. I realized that I had no plans for the future, with that my grades dropped as my motivation. Things changed as I started my 3rd year of school. At the start of the year, a new biology teacher started to work in our school and he was also attending our classes too. He was very passionate about biology and tried to make us feel the same as him. As time progress ı started to admire his passion and also started to develop a curiosity against biology. I started to follow topics about biology outside of school. I felt like I'm growing my intelligence.

After the end of my 4th year, I started to ask myself what would I do if I studied biology at university. I found my answer in a documentary named "The Body" as I just happened to zap between television channels. The topic of the documentary was how human organs work in harmony and how easy it would break up if one of the components gets damaged or unable to do his job. What caught my attention was how cold-blooded the scientists are. They determine which hormone/cell is problematic and produce a cure right away without a delay. And the most touching moment was how patients were grateful and happy. I felt like I could bring a positive change in people's life if I work as a scientist.

I have two purposes to study in South Korea; Global culture and academic environment. KGSP offers competitive education and students from different cultures. My main goal is doing experiments in well-conditioned laboratories and creating a network with my future colleagues. With the education and guidance ı got I will reach suffering people around to globe and help them. I'm well aware of privilege and responsible that comes with KGSP and ı will do my best.

hello,
1. I think you had the main idea of what has been asked but I recommend you to write it in order. the first thing should be the motivations, then the family background, etc. that would be easier for the embassy and univ. expect where is the answer.

2. You shouldn't write negative thoughts or facts in this kind of essay so try to fix this phrase "I realized that I ... Things changed as I ..."

3. try to be more specific or detail more some facts

hope this helps you

I don't think you don't need to further discuss how you're able to watch the documentary. You can just state that you've watched a documentary. Plus, try to be more precise on your key points and your paragraph seems lost, try to arrange your paragraphs in order. And I think, you should put your purpose at the start instead in the end. Anyway, best of luck!