Hello! My name is Becca and I want to apply for this year's GKS. It is required to write a personal statement and it would be great if you have time to review my writing both the content and the grammar. Thank you so much!
my personal statement:
I bloomed late and yet I've achieved more than I could have ever imagine.
The 18 years old me wasn't really aware of what strength do I have at that time. I was only into playing drums and focusing on entering one of the well-known private University in my hometown, XX University. I entered my dream University with a challenge of not having any close friend in my major, Management. I got to delves deeper into my major as well as meeting new people and making new friends along the way. The University I attended opened so many opportunities for me to experience new things and I managed to challenge myself one more time with joining my major's Student Association. Being a member of the Student Association while trying to maintain my GPA above 3.00 out of 4.00 is another challenge that I faced. I had to re-call what the lecturer explained before or after the Student Association's weekly meeting, which did not rule out the possibility of finishing the meeting at night. The following year, I stepped forward as a candidate for the Student Association's President against two males. Although I lost several numbers to my opponent, I'm very glad that I got to experience the hardship of being a candidate and I got picked as an External Vice President. I retired from Student Association after serving for 2 years and I began my internship at the largest risk management training provider company in Indonesi, CC company. I learned a lot about working culture, how to be better at time management, do public speaking in front of important people from big companies, and so on. A year after that I managed to finish my undergraduate thesis titled "Analysis of Customer Satisfaction on The Quality of YY's Service and its Effect on Loyalty of YY's Consumer in ZZ" and I graduated on time with a predicate of 'passed very satisfactorily'.
Even before I enter Bachelor, I've been aiming to further my education with gaining a Master degree.
I've always been curious about what I could achieve more with the knowledge I've gained throughout my Bachelor. After I graduated, I've been actively searching for a new opportunity to further my education. I went to several study abroad consultant to discuss about the best country to study Management or Business and they recommended South Korea as the destination. I've always been fond of South Korea for their mesmerizing culture. South Korea's has been successfully penetrated Indonesia's market and the way I see it, every product that contains South Korea's element is very likely to succeed. The more curious I get, I consult with my relative who worked in Korea before, and he too said that South Korea has a very good education system. He recommended me some scholarship opportunities and GKS is the one that caught my attention. I was too late to participate for the Spring 2020 Graduate Scholarship so I've preparing myself for the Fall admission. Thus I took Korean language class and I'm currently preparing myself for TOPIK test in April 2020 to make use of my free time with useful knowledge. I also took English proficiency test with TOEFL iBT to complete the requirements for the admission beforehand. These preparations I did were driven by how curious I am to South Korea's economic success and rapid development, making them one of the most developed country in a short span of time. I found myself questioning whether or not I could analyze and find their method and implement it in Indonesia. I'm also having so much expectations to myself to, again, challenge myself with this opportunity to become a bridge for South Korea and Indonesia's relationship. I have also been browsing through several Universities' Graduate Business major's courses and I'm very eager to learn the subjects from different perspectives. I'm excited to widen my viewpoint of business and management specifically throughout the whole process while pursuing my Master degree, especially in South Korea.
GKS is the golden bridge for me to pursue my education and broaden my experience and I'm willing to challenge myself with the skills and experience that I have right now. I'm curious to see how I can contribute to my country with the knowledge that South Korea can fill me. Having this curiosity and interest in Business field motivated me to apply for GKS and I hope that I can get this 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity that it offers.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,377 3372
The only part of this essay that you can use is the reference to the preparations you have made for your possible time as a student in Korea. The reference to the why Korea became the focal point of your interest is too weak. It must relate to your current line of work and the success and breakthroughs that Korea has made in the field. Your interest should be in the potential of Korea to increase your abilities in relation to your work interests. Your motivation is non-existent. A strong motivation must show that you are someone who has the potential to become a leader in your field based on your educational and work accomplishments. You have neglected both aspects of the presentation in those cases. In addition to that, there is no reference to your ability to complete intricate research. While your participation in student government is admirable, that is not of interest to the reviewer. True, it is an academic accomplishment, but it does not prove your ability to be an effective researcher nor does it speak of your experience in the research field.
Review the masters degree personal statement prompt requirements. You can clearly see that you have not properly addressed all of the requirements as it relates to the GKS and your professional future. Fill in the blanks. Write a new essay that responds, by paragraph to each prompt requirement. The prompts are not suggested topics, those are required topics so these must be fully discussed in your personal statement. Otherwise your application will fail in the first round of considerations.