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sunny1909 1 / 1  
Feb 25, 2021   #1
Hello! I'm Sunny from Thailand, and I am preparing for GKS-G 2021 on the embassy track. I hope somebody would like to help me to review my statement of purpose.


My name is ______ - a bachelor of "____________" program, ______________University. This major gives me the opportunities to study and research deeply in the fields of machine learning methods and database systems. The more I am involved in and presented my researches in the conferences, the more I love those fields. As a reason, before graduation, I have seriously studied and chosen Korea as an ideal country for me to pursue my " Computer Science and Engineering" master's program.

My family background is different from that of other families. I was born in a farming and single parent family. Due to this such hard life, my sister and I were soon educated and formed our sense of self-care, self - study and self - discipline. However, thanks to strict training and special family circumstances, I have continuously worked hard to become a better me. This is approved as I was always in the top 3% of students with the highest GPA of the whole course at high school, graduated with the high distinction bachelor degree and was a valedictorian of _____________ in the academic year 2020. During the period of university, I also afforded to achieve 'A +' results in the subjects of artificial intelligence, database, and statistics which I orient to study deeply in my master's program.

When being a fourth year student, I participated in the 21st EUR√ČKA scientific research student competition being hold in ___ city. This event created the chance for me to compete and exchange knowledge with many friends from all over the country. Fortunately, I also met a lecturer who used to be given the scholarship studying in Korea. She emphasized that Korea is a very beautiful, modern country, unique culture and she also shared about her Korea friends who helped her a lot and they still keep close-knit even when she is back to Vietnam. Listening to her sharing, the more I love and believe in my choice to choose Korea for my study.

Besides education time, I constantly contributed my utmost ability in social activities as a member of volunteer club in three years at my university. At the moment, I have more than 1 year working experience as Data Analysis Engineer at ________ Group.

Thanks to my best efforts in studying and extracurricular activities, I graduated and was one of the 88 excellent valedictorians of____ city in 2020 and was awarded "Certificate of Excellence student" from General Director of___ University. Furthermore, I had a research topic being presented at "The 12th IEEE International Conference on Knowledge and Systems Engineering (KSE 2020)" and one another research won the second and consolation prize in "The 11th Science Student Research Conference at _____" and "____ Contest" respectively.

With my personality, experience, preparation and knowledge, I believe that I have met the scholarship requirements and I will strive to be worthy of the spirit of the scholarship.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,531 3447  
Feb 26, 2021   #2
Are you writing a statement of purpose of a personal statement? Those have 2 different set of information requirements for the essay presentation. Your title and your indicated essay in your actual post are conflicting. Kindly clarify which one you are actually writing for my benefit. As of now, I will assume that you are writing a personal statement and review this as such.

While your educational background and family information is complete in delivering the idea as to the kind of person you are and the student that you strive to be, your work experiences and extra curricular activities are not well developed. These presentations are important and yet, the least developed in your presentation. You only wrote 2 sentences for those references. One reference each. The reviewer needs to know more about your work experience and notable achievements in that field if any as these will be considered alongside your motivation for studies. which, by the way, isn't really very well presented nor clearly developed in this presentation.
grant_Oliver 3 / 8  
Feb 26, 2021   #3
Hi sunny1909,
You already have a really good background for the application, but you are not well presenting it.
You mentioned you have work experience and two conferences, but you are not disclosing any detail info.
What did you achieve in your work? Do you have any good contribution to your company?
What was your research's topic? What were the importance and the result of your works?
You need to clarify your task, the action you have taken, and results you have achieved.
In contrast, the one that motivates you to study in Korea should be a minor part or be deleted, since the purpose of studying in Korea is no longer included in PS.

You spend more words on your high school experience than your college experience. Focus on the college experience since it is a graduate school application.

I don't really feel your enthusiasm for CS. Try to describe the reason why " The more I am involved in and presented my researches in the conferences, the more I love those fields." Telling a personal story would be a good choice.

Good luck
OP sunny1909 1 / 1  
Feb 27, 2021   #4
@Holt @grant_Oliver
I am very grateful for your help. I will rewrite based on your comments. Thank you so much and have a good day