Hi, im currently writing for my graduate GKS application. I'm done writing my personal statement and i hope you guys can help give me review and feedback.
Thank you so much for your time ^^
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experiencein relation to GKS.
o Reason for studying in Korea
oAny other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.
to become a nutrition specialist
One of my biggest aspiration as medical doctor is to become a nutrition specialist, particularly children's nutrition. In Indonesia, since the country itself is a developing country, where nutrition is not considered as the country most impending issue, children's nutritional status in general is not at a level where it can be considered as good. The number of children with nutritional status disorders such as malnutrition and obesity are still fairly high. The poverty rate in Indonesia, which is still quite high, is one of the main reason of malnutrition. Meanwhile increase intakes of processed foods and fast food become the reason that causing obesity. However, in my own personal opinion, children nutritional disorders in Indonesia stem from two main problems; parental ignorance and the lack of child nutritional knowledge which often leads to improper child feeding. I would personally partake in resolving this issues since a child's poor nutritional status can lead to high cases of degenerative diseases in the future. Since children are the nation's next generation, I want them to get good nutrition since early age. My plan is to build children nutrition clinic and also promote a program in Indonesia schools to educate children and their parents towards a healthy and balanced diet in which to be implemented in School Lunch Program. South Korea has so many experiences in running School Lunch Program and become one of the top countries with the best School Lunch Program. Therefore I am very sure that South Korea is the right country to pursue my master's degree through Global Korea Scholarship.
I completed my bachelors degree in 2013 at Maranatha Christian University Bandung. For the following years, I did clinical clerkship at Immanuel Hospital Bandung starting from 2013 to 2014 and obtained my professional degree as medical doctor in 2015. During the period of my study, I joined the Medical Student Association and also became a committee member in several campus activities. In 2015 to 2016, I worked as intern doctor at Bayu Asih General Hospital Purwakarta in which I encountered many cases of degenerative disease, such as hypertension, stroke, cardiac disease, in adults within the age range of thirty and above. Most of these cases occurred because unhealthy lifestyle especially unhealthy eating habits that was formed during their childhood and adolescence. From that moment on, I have realized how important is the relationship between nutrition and health. From 2016 until now, I work at a clinic and many of my patients have consulted their nutrition problem to be one of the most pressing complications they encounter at maintaining their health.My participation in these affairs has helped me improved my skills, such as teamwork, working under pressure, and also decision making. It has also sharpen my communication and leadership skills. I also often attended health seminars and workshop in order to be continously updated with the latest improvements in health sciences and guidelines.
Studying the field of nutrition in South Korea will become a starting point in order to achieve my future goal. Universities in South Korea offer courses that are not taught in Indonesia and many other nutritional researches that is also not accesible in Indonesia. As well as the availability of laboratories with state of the art equipments which can support my study. South Korea has been implementing School Lunch Program for long time and has experienced so many improvements that makes the program better over time. Because of that, Korea has become one of the countries that provide the best School Lunch Program in the world. One thing that convinced me why I have to study in Korea was when I watched a Korean television program about high school students competing to make school lunch. The program showed the importance process of preparing school lunch, from choosing the best ingridients to the complex cooking process, even to the way they serve the foods to the students. The sincerity and passion towards achieving a healthy school lunch made a very deep impression in me. I am also very interested in Korean food - especially fermented foods such as kimchi, and Korean cooking methods that has made Korean food to become one of the top ten healthiest foods in the world.
As a child who was mocked because of my weight, I want to help children and adolescents who have nutritional problems and Global Korea Scholarship is a lifetime opportunity to achieve my goals in the future. As a hard working and diligent person who doesn't give up easily,along with previously mentioned factors, I believe I am a fully qualified candidate who can successfully achieve Food and Nutrition Master's degree in South Korea.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,377 3372
The essay can be made stronger. Your motivation to pursue this line of study is clear. However, you do not show any actual participation in the development of lunch programs in your country. Try to establish reasons as to why you are lacking experience in that department. Your background is also heavy on the consultation side, without reference to any research background. You need a stronger research background to prove that you can survive as an MS student. Remember, MS students do mostly research work so you have to depict yourself as an effective researcher either by explaining your final year thesis or highlighting a continuing development of your research skills. As for the Korea reference, it is too general to be used to illustrate how an education in Korea will help you improve the nutrition of Indonesian children through lunch programs. Try to explain the existing lunch programs in your school and compare it to a specific Korean school lunch program. The side by side comparison should help you explain the motivations by which you chose to study in Korea. It has to be stronger than just having watched a TV program about a Korean lunch program in once school. Overall, the essay has the potential to make you a good candidate. You just need to better develop certain aspects to enhance your application potential.
By the way, are you applying via embassy or university track? If it is by university track, don't forget that you need to discuss the reasons why you chose the university, based on your academic goals and university course offerings.