In this scholarship I am asked to give:
1. Explanation in 150 words or less concerning your goals in public health, your reason for wanting the scholarship, your past or present public health experience
2. Statement/explanation of financial need
Right now I feel both essays are very clicheic, so any help would be greatly appreciated. These are my two essays:
GOALS IN PUBLIC HEALTH
To whom it may concern,
In 2011, my then single mother was in a one-week coma attributable to a clot in her thalamus. Her subsequent three-week hospitalization permitted me to become acquainted experientially with procedures such as lumbar punctures, Electroencephalography tests, and procure continuous and elaborate insights on the commission of the medical staff. Although through arduous supervention, this undertaking instilled an ardor for the medical profession, and endowed esteemed acquaintanceship with the cumulated classroom knowledge from Anatomy, AP Biology, and AP Psychology.
I am from the humble nation of Guinea-Bissau (Africa), and apprehending firsthand the dire need for health workers in my country, my aspiration is to specialize in neonatology, and return to Africa in the endeavor of detruding the high infant mortality rates (96.23/1,000 in Guinea-Bissau). I am presently accepted at Baylor University, and was allocated the ability to place my admission on hold as the U.S. Government issues my Permanent Residency Card. This scholarship would therefore alleviate the $42,000 cost of attendance, and dispense the attainment of books and supplies.
Thank you very much for considering my application.
EXPLANATION OF FINANCIAL NEED
To whom it may concern,
Throughout my high school career, I have consistently concentrated my resolution toward college. In this endeavor, I took seven Advanced Placement classes, and procured college credit for seven classes (Chemistry, Biology, U.S. History, World History, Literature and Composition, Calculus AB, Psychology), as well as graduating with highest honors, and a 4.3 weighted GPA. Although this qualified me for academic scholarships, I was not able to apply due to my international student status. Thankfully, in the summer of 2011 I was conferred the opportunity to apply for my permanent residency. Because the expenditure of college is considerably lesser as a U.S. resident opposed to an international student, I was elicited to place my college attendance on hiatus as the U.S. government issues the card.
I live my mother who is employed in two occupations and earns a combined total of $45,000 per year. Her husband is recently retired with half of his monetary assets availing toward the support his five minor children. Because my mother is constrained by mortgage, insurance, utilities, gas and living expenses, there is currently little to no alimentation for my college outlays as the Baylor annual expenditures are aloft $42,000. I am presently applying for any and every scholarship, but the soaring and increasing expenses of college attendance are a vast impediment that could even bar my college enrollment.
As established through my prior school accomplishments, I am an eminently impelled student who excogitates the benefaction of schooling determinedly. Disparate my fellow nationals in Guinea-Bissau, I have been consigned a rare and coveted fortuity, that will under no circumstance be discounted. Therefore, I implore and urge for the financial support of this scholarship to burnish my college aspirations.
Thank you for your time in reviewing my application.
... punctures, Electroencephalography tests, and to procure continuous and elaborate insights on the commission of the medical staff.
I am from the humble nation of Guinea-Bissau (Africa), and comprehending firsthand the dire need for health workers in my country, my aspiration is to specialize in neonatology, and to return to Africa in the endeavor...
...opposed to an international student, I was elicited to place my college attendance on hiatus until the U.S. government issues the card.
I live with my mother who is employed in two occupations and earns a combined total of $45,000 per year.
Your essays are great and I hope you get into school, you deserve to be there. I think they'll see that they'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck!