Hi all, this is a part of 3 essay questions in my application. Please give your comment about it. Many thanks to all of you guys.
application essay questions response
Questions: As a GOI-IES Scholar, how will you extend yourself beyond your project/studies to become actively involved in Irish society in order to maximize your academic/cultural exchange experience and raise awareness of the GOI-IES scheme in Ireland and beyond? (MAX 500 words)
Besides my academic pursuit, I am extremely interested in the cultural aspects of Ireland and eager to accommodate the Irish community with diversifications and differences as well.
First and foremost, I have been always keen on cultural diversity since I was a university student. I understand that culture fit is really important and the best way to learn is by experience. For that, I have participated in the Global Volunteer projects in Malaysia and Exchange Programme in Japan as ways to gain my cultural-awareness. Although I have to admit that culture shock was unavoidable at first, the valuable experiences have taught me how to deal with people with different backgrounds, nationalities, to understand their own perspectives, and eventually, what I have acquired that is being adaptably open-minded mastery. This, I believe, will enable me to be actively involved in the Irish community as soon as I get a chance.
Secondly, I would like to take part in the Student's Unions as well as out-of-school activities such as being a member of AIESEC Ireland. With my experience in national projects with AIESEC Malaysia, tackling food waste and cross-cultural understanding issues, I can exchange my insights, in order to fit with Ireland academically and culturally. What is more, I would take advantage of leadership opportunities to strive for excellence in team projects/active social activities. This is because I am an ambitious, goal-driven person who always desires to deliver a worldwide mindset to the public throughout people's lives. With time working in AIESEC, I believe that my global concerns will apparently gain their awareness of international orientation.
Thirdly, the GOI-IES welcomes all students from undergraduate to doctoral level, which makes this experience even more diverse and intriguing. Besides, with a good command of English, coupled with positive energy, I am confident that I could make significant contributions to the discussions, but not limited to presentations in the promotional activities. Furthermore, I will get a window of opportunity to provide more inspiring stories about my life whether it could positively influence any which way in society. By this, my story of patiently pursuing interests and academic career will be more approachable and impactful.
Finally, to extend the network of the GOI-IES scheme, I will engage with other Vietnamese scholars supporting young potentials to pursue academic careers in Ireland. My professor, who is currently the Manager of Education and International Relations, will definitely support this avocation reaching more potential students/researchers. After nearly one year of working together, our aims are to increase the chances of academic activities, innovatory based start-ups in school projects. Whether being a scholarship recipient, I could also build a positive image of Irish education, strengthen the leverage relationships of my schools, and create more exchange opportunities for Vietnamese students who desire for international well-educated environments in such a place as Ireland.
I hope with my competencies, experiences, and preparations demonstrated above will give me a seat of being a GOI-IES Scholar 2020.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753
The first 2 paragraphs of the essay are not necessary for the presentation. Neither does it improve the presentation to have you counting out the ways you wish to engage in different activities in Ireland. The reviewer is not interested in reading your word count fillers. The shorter your essay, the more appreciated it will be. You should just go direct to the point in every paragraph. Start with the topic sentence and continue with the explanations in every paragraph. Use more transition sentences to create a cleaner read and flow of the discussion paragraphs.
Your ideas are good. Aside from some required professional editing to clean up the grammar errors, you sound like a candidate with some solid experience that can help you become an excellent candidate for the scholarship. The only problem, is that your presentation is not always grammatically correct, which could lead to some minimal confusion on the part of the reader. Not to worry though, the reader will still be able to make out what you are trying to explain in the paragraph. Your word choices were good enough, but sometimes, falling on the word filler side.
In the paragraph referring to Vietnamese scholars, you must make sure to indicate that these are scholars in Vietnam whom you will entice to cooperate with your GOI alumni group (if there is one) to collaborate on various projects that will promote scholarship networking in Vietnam. The last sentence in the presentation is not necessary. You should remove that. It sounds like you are begging for the scholarship. Let the essay close on the networking idea instead. That gives it a stronger concluding impact.