Please assist to proof read the essay below and advise on area of improvement
Statement of intent for Master of Science in Materials Science and Engineering
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am very glad to apply for Master of Science in Material science and Engineering in your institution. I am from Nigeria, a graduate of Ahmadu Bello University, one of the top-ranked universities in the country, where I earned a Bachelor of Science in Physics with a citation in Geophysics. I was awarded a second class honour's degree with a CGPA of 3.54/5.00 and I was among the top ten ranked graduates in my class in the year 2010. After graduation, I decided to take a break from education and get some work experience. I have worked in Lawal International Schools, Kogi State and O'tega International College, Ibafo (from 2011 to 2014) as a Physics and Further Mathematics teacher. Currently, I work for Polaris Bank Limited as Information System Security and Control Officer. My ultimate academic goal would be to earn Ph.D., but by first enrolling in a master's program, it will allow me to develop skills and gain knowledge where I might be lacking. I am interested in doing energy conversion, storage and efficiency, smart materials and nanomaterial's analyses to help define the characterization and development of materials. It is well-known that European Universities are one of the best universities in the world. My desire to pursue postgraduate study emanates not only from this but also from my early age, I am highly interested to know the culture and norms of other people.
The concrete reason for my choice to take part specifically in Master of Sciences in Material science and Engineering is the in-depth trainings I will receive in West Virginia University and the chance to get a highly multidisciplinary program which brings together experts and knowledge from different related fields of Physics, Chemistry and engineering, unlike other field of study. Besides excellent networking opportunities and generous scholarships and a supporting curriculum that foster interactions between the different professional in Material science, strengthen the research network and the advancement of personal and professional skills of participant are an advantages that cannot be found elsewhere; this makes my choice ideal. Indeed, it is true, there is no other program that meets my need like Master of Science in Material science, since it provides detailed training in the basics and applications of materials and it leads to research in currently demanding, specialization areas.
Generally, I believe that I fulfil all the criteria for your program and I am highly motivated on the field of Material science and Engineering. So, I will be glad to take part in your program and I hope I will join your academy in 2022 session to achieve my educational and future career goals.
Thank you for your time to consider my application. Hoping to hear from you soon!
With best regards, Adeyemi Olupeka NigeriaHolt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 The essay needs to be written with a clear focus on the intent for studies. The intent should cover the reasons for academic study in relation to why you believe you have to return to school, and what you hope to achieve personally/ academically / and professionally after completing the course. These thoughts are partially dealt with in this version, but need more proper development to be considered the intent of your studies. More importantly , important attention must be paid what you consider to be your relevant professional experiences with your colleagues. This shows an intent on your part for an exchange of knowledge and skills with your class counterparts. Right now, the essay contains personal statement references that need to be removed. My observations should help you spot areas for deletion and improvement.
