pls help me to check through this personal statement
personal statement for kgsp 2018
Having goals is positively normal to me as a potential student, and the normality behind the achievement of the particular goals has some attaching resources which I consider in order to achieve my goals.
It will be a great and an amazing opportunity if I'm awarded the Korean Government Scholarship to study in The Federal Republic of Korea for my undergraduate course (Mechanical engineering).
There are three main reasons that motivated me to apply for the 2018 Korean Government Scholarship Program.
Firstly, South Korea as well known for its advancement in her technological field and according to how I've been making use and admiring some kind of technical devices and tools, I was able to know that most of these devices are made by South Korean companies (companies like SAMSUNG, Hyundai motor company, LG, KIA, SK Hynix) and are top-ranked among the largest firms in the world technology field. Also, I, as a technophile being who have the goal to become an engineer that will improve the world of technology which can be best accomplished through the advanced Korean technologies education. In terms of technologies education, South Korea has been able to adopt modern technical tools, devices and ICT (Information Communication Technology) into her educational system to improve the efficiency of teaching and studying processes which has only been implemented by few countries among the Asian countries. So, as a student who's pursuing the achievement of goals, such educational system is suitable for the achievement of my potential goals.
Secondly, I'm also motivated by the Korean culture, since "culture" is a way of life, hence for me to achieve my goals of improving the technology field, then an improvement in my way of life is needed by me. Also, as a Nigerian going to study at an advanced and developed country like the Federal Republic of Korea will be of great benefit to my home country (Nigeria), because the knowledge impacted to me at South Korea as a Nigerian through Korean Government Scholarship Program to make my goals in becoming a Mechanical Engineer (prospective) can function when I make use of it in my home country.
Thirdly, the motivation in me to become a mechanical engineer is greatly aroused when my personal career counselor, made me to know that my goal of making a better world in terms technological improvement can be achieved by me, since my grades have been so much impressive and excellent in the engineering course subjects (subjects like mathematics, physics etc.)
In regards to my personal background in family and education, I'm the third child of a middle-class family of mine, a second distinct son among two brothers (elder and younger). It's been slightly hard for a middle-class family to afford a suitable and wishing cost of living especially in financing the education of their children to a higher level which is applicable to me and I've being trying to find the solutions to solve them.
I'm a wishing student to my facilitators and teachers because of my brilliancy in all participating activities both academically and in other extracurricular activities I participated in. I had always been a top-ranked student in the class, and I've also been into many competitions which I always win. In addition, I have some exceptional abilities such as academic achievement, creativity, leadership skills, with which I'm made the Senior Prefect/Head Boy of my high school (session 2013/2014) to lead the students and also to improve the structure of the school system in respect to the student's wish. I have been influenced positively by some specific persons who I look forward to and who can enhance the achievement of my goals. One of them is my mentor, Omisakin Oluwatobi Samuel, a Nigerian and a scholar studying for his Masters degree in Software Engineering with the support of a Philippine scholarship program. We have similar goals which one among the goals is to improve the technological development of the world.
Recently, I'm undergoing a training experience as a trainee at HAJEK Engineering LTD, an engineering organization which I'm being trained both theoretically and practically to reprove me in the path of achieving my goals.
I've received academic awards like "The best student in "Physics" "Mathematics", The Overall Best Student" and "The Outstanding Youngest Graduating Student" during my high school period and at the end of my high school program respectively. The most admiring among all the awards is the scholarship granted to me by my high school authority due to my excellent performances in my academic and extracurricular activities.
I'm compounded with skills of communicating, relating, interacting, adapting etc with people around me and in any environment or society I find myself, which makes me unique among my colleagues and mates.
Conclusively, with the aforementioned, I hope the Korean Government Scholarship would be of great assistance in supporting my goals as a technophile being and a potential student by studying Mechanical Engineering as my major in the Federal Republic of Korea, a country where there is improvement and advancement in her technology field, which will enhance my goals of improving the world of technology.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Ollorunniyi, first things first. Do not assign a gender to the educational system of Korea. Simply address it at "the educational system" instead of "her educational system". Education is gender-less and as such, must be addressed in the proper manner. Do not use the full name of the country to fill the word requirement. simply call it "Korea" as it is more commonly known. Fill the space with relevant material to the prompt requirements instead.
Your motivations for wishing to study in Korea are sound. It is acceptable and believable. However, you should also show a greater concern for Nigeria by making it clear that helping to improve the current state of technology and way of life in Nigeria is one of the personal motivating factors that you have for wishing to study abroad. These days, you always need to make it clear that you plan to go back to your home country upon graduation or as soon as you are allowed to do so by your scholarship agreement.
Be more detailed about your family background. Discuss something about your parents and their line of work. Highlight the parent who serves as your role model or inspiration in life by explaining your close personal relationship with that parent. The same goes for your siblings. Who among them are you closest to and why? Make sure the description of your sibling relationship further drives home the point that the family is one of your reasons for wishing to study abroad.
Your academic accomplishments are too vague to make an impressive mark on the reviewer. There are no national or inter school competitions in your statement that can indicate that you are a true (over) achiever in school with the potential to overcome any potential cultural or social barriers while in Korea.
The person that you chose for your inspirational influence is wrong. You cannot choose another scholar in a different country for that portion. You need to choose someone whose name has recall in the field of IT or academics, or some other profession. You need to explain a deeper relationship between that person who influenced you and why. You can choose one of your teachers for this portion. Maybe the one who told you that with your grades, you can achieve anything you want. That sounds just about right for that section.
The awards that you receive sound like they are merely in-class instead of year level recognition. In order to make your awards more believable, you could try explaining your study ethics or the kind of student that you are. The same goes for your extra curricular activities, you need to have notable accomplishments in that section and not just an insinuation that you have excellent extra curricular performances. Where is the proof of that?
