Hello everyone,
I am applying for an scholarship to study in USA, they need an essay and I have written the below essay, I would be very grateful if you guys could check and comment on my essay.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Hereby I would like to express my keen interest in the xxx College and particularly in the program to major in Computer Science.
More than ten years ago, I was very fascinated when first introduced to the computer, and until now, computer still is the most exciting thing in my life. The more rapidly the power of Internet and information technology has risen, the bigger my interest in computer science.
Admittedly, my own life-long goal is to be a professional computer scientist and the major degree program I have chosen - Computer Science, is surely not an accidental choice of mine since computer science itself and zoology are no doubt the two areas which I enthusiastically engage in my whole life.
I am part of a team which has created two of Afghanistan most visited websites; xxxxx.af which is Afghanistan's premiere blogging website and xxxxx. com which is Afghanistan's premiere link sharing website. I have also done a course of Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer or MCSE, My experiences in this field makes enthusiastic about both my short term goals and long term goals.
The goals I have set for myself might seem ambitious but I believe in myself and there has never been a moment which I have thought of failure in my goals.
My short term goal would be major in computer science and return back to Afghanistan to help my people in my way, I feel the need of introducing technology has never been greater and I am certain that computers and Internet will change the lives of my compatriots and my country the way it changed mine.
My long term goal would be to do something for the animals of my country, I have always been an animal lover and I have witnessed the cruel behaviors of my people towards the animals of this habitat. In fact, I am doing my part even now which is travelling to villages and educating the people about the animals but my long term goals would in much bigger scale, like creating a breeding center for the snow leopards of Afghanistan which are highly an endangered species.
I have gone through very harsh times in life, the civil war, the Taliban regime and the migration to Pakistan but despite all of that I have come out a better, enlightened person and I am certain that I will do great studying in America and return back to Afghanistan with great grades which will enable me to peruse my goals!
But of course, I need a helping hand and I believe this scholarship from Berea College in partnership with Foundation for Afghanistan is the life changing event of life.
Finally, understanding that when it comes to quality education, I have no doubt that xxxxx College is the appropriate one for me, since it provides the right academic climate and a unique mix of educational advantages.
Thank you in advance for considering my application. It would be a great honor for me if given an opportunity to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed college.
Yours sincerely,
Lemar
Lemar:
I was very fascinated when first introduced to the computer
Lemar:
The more rapidly the power of Internet and information technology has risen, the bigger my interest in computer science.
I think this sentence has sentence structure problem.
Thank you Amanda, I really appreciate your reply.
If those are the two only mistakes then I must be very glad.
Can anyone please check for punctuation? or any other idea how I should put the story together?
Thanks
