hello everyone,
Please feed back on essay for Chinese government scholarship!!!
STUDY PLAN
First of all, I would like to express my greatest appreciation to Chinese government to let Mongolian students grant scholarships on behalf of the all applicants. My name is Regzedmaa. I am Mongolian and 26 years old. I graduated from National University of Mongolia with a specialization in English Education and Translation in 2010. Currently, I have been working at Mongolian National Commission for UNESCO as an Education Officer.
I am really interested in studying Education Field. The latest years, Mongolia has been expanding its foreign relations not only to Asian countries but also many European countries. As it has been coopering with other countries, there is an urgent need to prepare more and more highly educated citizens today's society. In addition to this, education sector is the main barrier in Mongolia. The more economy situation has been worse, the more children and women are suffered. If this issue has been taking longer and longer, our country's safety and security would be lost. There is no longer culture, traditions anymore.
Firstly, I mentioned about Mongolian education system. We had 10 year of compulsory education system and followed Russian educational standards until 2010. At that time, opportunities to study developed countries were limited to students who finished their secondary school, that a part why they lost it. Minister of Education, Culture and Science in Mongolia has been trying to turning education system into westernize, but it is not completed yet. A Cambridge standard is not connected with Mongolian students' mind properly. We have to create own education system fits to Mongolians' minds and meet international standards. So far today, there are about 165 universities, institutes, and high schools in Mongolia according to the estimation-2012. Not one is ranked as the world's top 10 universities. One of my dreams is to have a qualified and internationally-recognized university in our country which many foreign citizens will work hard to enroll in. I absolutely hope this would occur very soon.
Secondly, I will return to my mother country and I will eagerly love to work in the educational field in Mongolia after completing my MA degree in your prestigious country, I want to share my experiences other teachers what I will have learned and would love to renew Mongolian educational systems. Specially, I will pay special attention to the children and women in rural and remote areas in Mongolia. It has been a long time that they are separated acquiring pre-school, primary, basic, secondary education. However, everyone has the right to free education according to the constitution law of Mongolia. Some of the reasons children cannot attend the schools are nomadic lifestyle, and poverty. Half of the Mongolians have been still kept nomadic lifestyle in the countryside. They live so far from the town where the school is located. It causes difficulties for children to go to school from home. Distance between home and school is so far. School in the countryside has 2-3 shifts including morning and afternoon. In winter, it gets dark earlier around 5pm. On the one hand, parents of the children has not got any relatives in the town, children lose their chances to study when dormitory is fully filled with pupils. Therefore, we should draw attention of the officials to build more schools, dormitory and housings for teachers in both rural and urban areas. It would be a great promotion to support education sector.
Thirdly, the any foreign language is a key to communicate with all over the world. Latest years, Mongolia has been expanding and developing its relations with other countries and collaborate with different countries. So I will run my own business which will be an English school which has TESOL and teaching methodology programme for English teachers. I will contribute my experience not only students but I also share it with colleagues. One of the ways to develop our home country is that each individual has to develop personally. It could be a great asset to investing our country. I think it could intensify development progress. If we educate our younger generations well, we are able leave better world to them in the future.
Conclusion, despite expanded higher education sector and increased attendant, quality of training and graduates do not meet demand and requirement of social-economic development of the country. It is connected with the low quality educational system, loss of balance between market demand and supply of professional with higher education and unequal access to higher education by rich and poor people or by rural and urban dwellers. I fully believed that alumnus who graduated from your prominent university spread education to meet international standardization need its qualified professionals. I would tell that the best education system and a language are a fundamental to exist the country. As well as we need the best teachers in all field.
Hello Erdenezaya, welcome to the EssayForum! Thank you for choosing EF to assist and guide you in writing. We strive to give you the best of our efforts in writing assistance.
I found that this is an interesting scholarship essay. You give examples of the problem in your environment along with your contribution and what the good thing is that you put your arguments about the issue you have written before. It will be better if you make the essay sounds more formal since I saw spoken-language phrases such as "more and more". You can replace it with similar words or expressions to make it more academic, for example, the word "highly educated" in your first paragraph already represent the value of "more". Also, try to give the ideas more coherent. For example, in the second paragraph:
"In addition to this, education sector is the main barrier in Mongolia. I think that you can give links to the idea in the first sentence to the second sentence. The more economy situation has.."
The following are the rests of my inputs:
Paragraph 2:
"..are sufferedsuffering ."
"..culture,and traditions.."
Paragraph 3:
"..about the Mongolian education system."
"..trying to turning educationwesternize the education system into westernize.."
"Not oneNone .."
Paragraph 4:
"..to share my experiences to other teachers about .."
"..hashave not got.."
Paragraph 6:
"In conclusion.."
That's all from me. Good luck with your application. Let us know if you have another writing to be reviewed. Best regards.
Hi Erdene, please allow me to provide you a few feedback, corrections and remarks for your essay.
- to the Chinese government
- toin letting Mongolian
- students grantreceive scholarships.
- on behalf of the all applicants.- this phrase is not necessary
- with a specialization in
- I am c urrently, I have been working
- at a Mongolian
- into further my studying
- in the Education Field.
-The latestlast few years,
- also to many European countries.
- As it has been cooperingMongolia cooperates with other countries,
- prepare more and more highly educated
- citizens in today's society.
- In addition to this, the education sector
There you have it Erdene, as you can see, your essay can still be enhanced and I applaud you in taking a courageous and humble act in educating the younger generations. English is the language that is widely spoken and everywhere you go, the language is the key to understanding one's culture and pave the way to better tomorrow. Keep on writing.
Erdene, I reckon that you have gained some constructive feedback from EssayForum contributors. I do hope that you can follow through the feedback given in order to sharpen your writing skill, especially in composing a scholarship essay. However, we are here to help you by conveying our ideas and thoughts. Do not hesitate to give other members the same chance like what you've earned. Therefore, you are suggested to do a peer-correction towards other members' essays to boost your writing skills.
With regards to your essay, some modifications have been delivered by EF contributors team, but we need your revision to be uploaded below our comments. This is really fruitful to us because we can notice whether your essay is getting better or not. Perhaps, we can give some additional modifications to make it even better than your previous draft. So, good luck in revising your essay. We are here waiting for your revision.
Cheers :)
