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Essay about "The Greatest Success Of My Life" for one of the scholarship requirements.


ashrinp 1 / 1  
Jul 12, 2016   #1
Hello, I'm from Indonesia
I worried if my essay isn't have a good English structure, so, I need some help to check my essay.
I'm writing this essay for one of the scholarship requirements. The theme of this essay is "The Greatest Success in My Life"

Here it is:

In my opinion, 'success' is a word that describes a phase when a person has successfully achieved the goals of his life. As Napoleon Hill revealed in his book The Law of Success, that "The most successful men and women on earth have had to correct certain weak spots in their personalities before they began to succeed". This suggests that people should be able to overcome their limitations to achieve their dreams that would change their life. However, there is no instant way to make it happens, all of which requires hard struggle with the maximum effort. The biggest success in my life is, when I could transform from someone who had low self-esteem personality, become someone who is easier to socializing and dare to speak in public.

Since elementary school, I was known as a child who loved to study. I had always been the number one ranking in class. But it did not make me be a child who was easy to socialize with other people. I did not have many friends at school. I once ostracized by friends at school, because I was considered as a "teacher's favorite-son". But if school exams would arrive, they would be suddenly approached me. Maybe for some people, it was the usual problems of children. But it was enough to affect my psychological condition.I became personally reticent, and also, difficult to socialize.

In junior high school, I could slowly become a person who was easy to socialize. I learned to have a friend. But I still did not have the courage to dare to speak in public. Then, a bad thing happened when I was in vocational high school. My family's economic condition was not good at that time. My father had lost his job. I felt sad when all the family's burden should be borne by my mother. I felt so depressed in this phase. My academic grades dropped dramatically. I almost gave up, I thought that may be better to get work than to go to school. As the result, I did not have many friends, maybe, they stayed away from me because of my strange attitude

Before the graduation exams, I realized that I had to change. These conditions made me thought that I must be a someone who could success in life. I believe that by being someone who dared to take on higher education, someday I can improve the fate of my family. I was trying to emerge from the downturn, returning to study hard and venturing to register national college entrance (SNMPTN). I did a variety ways to learn on my own, with accessed some websites and learned from books about SNMPTN. Finally in the end of my vocational high school's time, I took the first ranked in class and passed the college entrance to Universitas Padjadjaran and became an awardee of Bidikmisi scholarship. I felt very grateful. This miracle was increased my confidence to be someone who was more daring in life. And, this was the beginning of a great change in my life.

In 2014, I took a chance to register Presenter competition which held by Bandung TV. Evidently, I was on the top 20 list of participants who qualify to be a Presenter. I broadcasted Bandung Hits program for four months. Be a TV presenter was one thing that I never imagined in my life. I learned to express myself and learned to be more confident to speak in public.

During college time, I kept trying to explore my potential by actively took charge in various student organizations and campus events. I really enjoyed my college time because I could become a new person. A person who became easily socialize with the new environment, had leadership skills, and of course, became more open-minded.

Praise the Lord with all of the above activities, I could graduate in three years and eight months in the study program of Library Science, with the highest honor. I consider all the things that happened in the past, can be a reflection for me to moving forward in life. I feel 'success' when I can get out of the limitations to increase my potential.

Learning from the past and improving the quality of myself is one of my life goals. There are still many other life goals that I want to accomplish in my life, one of them is to continue my education to the master degree, and get the scholarship. Because the 'success' is a journey which includes various life goals to be achieved.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 12, 2016   #2
Hi Ashri, welcome to EssayForum :) I am glad to see someone who has a good spirit to apply for a scholarship. I would be happy if I can be helpful. However, when I read the title (The Greatest Success of My Life), I think that the meaning of the title is quite similar to LPDP scholarship (Sukses Terbesar dalam Hidupku), but the different is the language use. This one is English, but LPDP scholarship is in Bahasa Indonesia. Or perhaps, has the requirement changed? Is it should be in English? I have already checked the website just now but it is still the same as the previous criteria.

With regards to your essay, I reckon that I am going to focus on your weaknesses in order to further enhance your essay structure by giving some alternative solutions from your mistakes. I hope you can read the detailed descriptions carefully and catch the important points given below.

- You need to remember that maximum words limit is really crucial. If the maximum is 700 words, do not surpass the limitation given. I suggest you to reduce the amount of words that you were used and make it below 700 words. Perhaps, you can aim for 675 - 690 words maximum by summarizing some important points.

- As I know, scholarship essay is usually related to an academic one. You have to know that in an academic essay, FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) should not be used in the beginning of the sentence like what you have done in you essay. These are considered as coordinating conjunction(s) and not supposed to be a cohesive device(s). Using it in academic essay will make your essay becomes less formal.

- Avoid making fragment like this: "This is because the 'success' is a journey which includes various life goals that can possibly beto be achieved." (Sentence fragment, missing 1 clause. This sentence have to be consisted of more than one clause because you have put a connector (because) there.)

Overall, the development of your essay is actually understandable because of a good grammatical control of yours. Therefore, you can proofread your essay and revise some parts by considering my feedback. Do not hesitate to ask further assistance if you need. I hope my feedback will be fruitful towards your writing development. Good luck for that :)
OP ashrinp 1 / 1  
Jul 14, 2016   #3
To: @ichanpants89

Halo Mr. Ikhsan, thank you for your feedback :)

Here are my revision based on your suggestions:

This miracle was increased my confidence to be someone who was more daring in life. And, this was the beginning of a great change in my life.

--> This miracle was the beginning of a great change in my life. I could increase my confidence to be someone who is more daring in life

But it did not make me be a child who was easy to socialize with other people.
--> However, it did not make me be a child who was easy to socialize with other people.

But if school exams would arrive, they would be suddenly approached me
--> If school exams would arrive, they would suddenly approached me.

Maybe for some people, it was the usual problems of children. But it was enough to affect my psychological condition
-->Though for some people it was the usual problem of children, it was enough to affect my psychological condition.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 14, 2016   #4
Ashri, I would like to say thank you for appreciating our works here on EF. I think that you can also give meaningful feedback toward other members' essays in this remarkable website. Meaningful feedback doesn't mean that you give only one or two sentences feedback. You need to give a comprehensive analysis by reciting some weaknesses and its solutions to strengthen them. Sometimes it consists of a paragraph or more. This is also one of the way to improve your English writing skills, especially when it relates to scholarship requirements.

As you know, you also need to give at least two meaningful feedback to other members' essays before posting a new thread. Avoid making too short feedback, this can lead to temporary or permanent suspension. It will be really unfortunate to be suspended in such valuable website. You are suggested to maintain your active participation in order to be able to post a new essay practice or essay draft in the future.

However, if we're talking about LPDP scholarship. I reckon that you still have one more essay that should be written in English. I would be happy to read and check them. You can post it as a new thread because I believe that the title is different. If I am not mistaken, it is about your present, past, and future contributions toward your country. It should be written for at least 500 and maximum 700 words. Do not hesitate to seek further assistance to your upcoming essay draft. Good luck in composing that essay :)


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