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"Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question


shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 21, 2016   #1
Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will ...

Please Review my essay?!

"Happiness is only true when shared with others", this quote is applicable for all life aspects. In touched by the death of my best friend, with leukemia, I started searching of what I can do for the people suffering from this chronic disease.

On the Engineering week of University Of Khartoum, I was working as a main organizer of petroleum engineering department fairs, liaising with all departments, coordinating with all presenters, checking fairs content, elaborating improvements and preparing meetings between petroleum and other engineering departments to conceive mutual fairs containing various applications in the oil and gas industry.

On my second year at university, I was introduced to a philanthropic organization called Sharei AL-Hawadith (Accidents Street) by a friend, this organization was collecting donations for cancer patients, immediately I became an ardent disciple to its activities.

Fuelled with emotions, I decided to deliberate a special type of fair with a philanthropic side. I contacted the organization asking them to present themselves at the university during the week to get renowned through a fair. Many people had been introduced to the organization through the fair, many new members joined the organization and huge amount of donations had been introduced to them.

On my fifth year at university, I was a member of the organizing committee of the first Carrier Fair in the Engineering Faculty at the University of Khartoum. Introducing renowned industry companies to the academic life and students, linking and enhancing coordination for the research and job vacancies.

Directly after my graduation I was working as both a part time teaching assistant at University Of Khartoum and an operations engineer during my national service period; to be the direct link between academics, professional life and to introduce students to the oil industry in Sudan. The field work was organized in a hierarchy of ranks, which were multiplied as time went. Instantly, I decided to engage in a critical collaboration instead of giving and receiving orders.

All the work culminated efficiently in running association with the industry; some of my students had the opportunity to do a training in the company; benefiting extensively from the multiple partnerships that I had established during my work at the company. I am also an Elected Young Professional member by the Executive Committee of Society of Sudanese Petroleum Engineers (SSPE).

In hindsight, this experience inspired me to establish my own network in SSPE even though its steep learning curve seemed daunting at first. No different from any other social network, I learned to make, establish, and maintain relations through both social skills and desire to learn. Later, I expanded my network beyond SSPE and, thus, We established the first SPE office in the University linking it to both local and global industry.

There is ambiguity to find any information about scholarship opportunities like Chevening program in Sudan; mainly because of the bad network system. Students do not know how to apply for such programs. By being a Chevener I will work on making an Alumni to gather students from all around Sudan and introduce them to Chevener Scholarship, its prospective and to meet a special share of this challenge.

I conclude by a previous Chevener quote: "Being a scholar for a year and a Chevener for life is such an immense privilege! It changes the way you see both, yourself and the world. It not only makes you realize your potential but also helps you unleash it, and then goes a step further to connect you with a prestigious network of world leaders. With Chevening, the learning never stops."

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 21, 2016   #2
I don't think that the quote and the story that you are using as the introduction of the essay is relevant. There is no information about your friend's leukemia that relates to your networking abilities. Even the quote that you chose to use doesn't really seem related to the prompt. So I believe that you should omit those parts and just opt to begin your essay with what is now the second paragraph. In order to make your essay seem shorter, combine your first to fifth networking experience into one paragraph. That is allowable since they are related, numerical discussions. It makes it easier to read the information and also allows for a smoother flow in terms of relating information. Aside from the aforementioned adjustments that I suggest you make to the essay, the only thing left to do with it is clean up the grammar mistakes. Something that is better done when the final order of the essay is completed.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 21, 2016   #3
Holt, i couldn't agree more on your suggestions, so i amended the draft accordingly and i appreciate further ones, here you are the amended draft: [..]
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 21, 2016   #4
Ali, I think you should put the quote about Chevening at the start of the essay. Making it an opening statement that directly connects with the rest of the essay. An example of how you can do this would be as follows:

"Being a scholar for a year and a Chevener for life ... the learning never stops." That is a direct quote from a previous Chevening scholar and it is a belief that I unwittingly have embodied throughout my time in college. From my first year in college, I unconsciously began building my network of contacts that to this very day, have proven quite helpful to me and my colleagues.

Then the next paragraph, which should be using past tense because these are events that already happened, can go something like this:
During my first year at the University of Kartoum as an Engineering student, I worked as one of the main organizers...I was also elected ( note the tense usage)...

My second year at the university introduced me to...

You need to do extra work on the following part:
I contacted the organization asking them to present themselves at the university during the week to get renowned through a fair.
- The networking that you did in order to get the organization become part of the fair should be made clear. The overview is so brief that it does not seem like you had to do any networking at all.

There is A CERTAIN ambiguity to REGARDING findING any information...

In all honesty, if you can just clean up these parts of the essay, the next step will be to clean up the grammar problems. Your concluding paragraph should just be about how you plan to represent the scholarship in the future. From what I can read, that is exactly how this essay will end.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 21, 2016   #5
Holt, here you are another draft: [..]
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 21, 2016   #6
This is still a work in progress. It is getting better but still needs to be edited at certain points. Please apply the following changes:

..., I participated in On the Engineering week of University ...
On While on my second year at university...
effective networking has arguably played an integral role ...
and a micro-grant fundraiser in during the ...
Aside from the aforementioned, on By my fifth year at university...
Directly after my graduation I was working worked as both...
... efficiently in running association with the industry; some of my students had the ...

After you apply the changes, I'll help you review the essay again to try and make it shorter yet still informative. It's running a bit long at the moment. If you'd like, try to summarize or combine some paragraphs, or choose which of these networking experiences are the real notable ones that should stay in the essay. That way the essay tightens and allows the reviewer to read only the information that offers the best information about your networking skills.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 22, 2016   #7
I applied the changes, but i am having a difficulty to shorten the essay, i can not decide what to include and what to leave !
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 22, 2016   #8
Ali, the editing part of the essay is always the hardest. It is difficult for you as the writer to separate yourself from the content that you wrote. As far as you are concerned, everything that you wrote is important. Every sentence needs to be there, every little fact included. You are too close to your work. So I suggest that you read the essay from the point of view of an editor. If you were editing someone else's work, what would you cut out and why? What would you compress? Do you think doing those things will make the essay better? These are the questions that you should ask yourself as you try to shorten your essay. It will help you decide which parts to remove, edit, or compress.

If you feel that you cannot do that accurately for some reason, then don't hesitate to ask for help. Post your revised essay within this thread and we will all work together to help you edit it for length and content. Don't be scared. Don't feel hopeless. We are here to help you. All you have to do is ask. Relax and take a deep breath. We will perfect your essay soon enough :-)
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 25, 2016   #9
Yes, I do believe that removing those portions will help your essay. However, I have a concern regarding the first paragraph section that you wish to remove. It seems like it will affect the message of the essay. So, rather than deleting the whole portion, why not try to revise it instead? My suggestion is as follows:

... Society of Sudanese Petroleum Engineers (SSPE). In hindsight, this THIS experience inspired me to (...) in the university ALONGSIDE MY WORK FOR and SSPE even though its steep learning curve seemed daunting at first. THIS IS WHERE I LEARNED TO USE TWO NETWORKS FOR THEIR INDIVIDUAL BENEFITS AND SUCCESS. No different from any other social network, I learned to make, ...

I caught some other parts in the final paragraph that can use some editing:

Lastly, as AS a Chevener, I will actively participate (...) among the United Kingdom CHEVENING SCHOLARS, alumni and INTERNATIONAL scholars, utilizing support from impact-full IMPACTFUL Chevening alumni network and mine MY PERSONAL NETWORK.

Would you like me to review your essay after you edit it? I will gladly help you out.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 25, 2016   #10
Of course I would, appreciate it a lot, I will edit and rewrite it here !
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 26, 2016   #11
If you remove the first sentence of your last paragraph, you will immediately bring the word count down to 495. Which will bring you well in range of the 500 maximum word count. I also think that you should remove the quote from the unknown Chevening scholar at the beginning of the essay. Now that I have had a chance to review your almost finalized essay, it seems to me that the quote is just taking up space. In a word limited essay, sometimes it is better to get direct to the point instead of beating around the bush. In this case, immediately responding to the prompt will definitely lead to a tighter and more informative essay. With the freed up word count, you can even add more information that you feel is necessary to the essay. Or, you can just leave the essay alone, without additional information. Either ways, the shorter the essay is, the better it will be to submit since the reviewer won't have a chance to get bored with your writing.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 29, 2016   #12
Mary, I added some information and cut out the quote and the words now are 459, this was just good, any additional suggestions?

From my first year in university, I unconsciously began building my network of contacts that to this very day, have proven quite helpful to me and my colleagues.

In the Engineering week of University Of Khartoum, I worked as one of the main organizers of petroleum engineering department fairs, liaised with all departments, coordinated with all presenters, checked fairs content, elaborated improvements and prepared meetings between petroleum and other engineering departments to conceive mutual fairs containing various applications in the oil and gas industry. (...)
dykos sokyd 2 / 4 2  
Oct 29, 2016   #13
Hi Ali. I will try to give my opinions on this. Hope it helps.

I agree with Mary about the first paragraph. Which part of the quote are you referring when you said "it is a belief that I unwittingly have embodied throughout my time in university"? After reading for a few times, I assume you are referring to the phrase "the learning never stops"?

"University Of Khartoum" I believe it should be written University of Khartoum; preposition should be written with lower case.

... organizing committee of the first CarrierCareer Fair

... like Chevening program in Sudan; mainly because of the bad network system"
Consider rephrasing to: mainly because the network system have not been optimized.
I personally avoid phrase that sounds judging.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 29, 2016   #14
Hi Sandy, appreciate your feedback, I agree totally with you and Mary, I have already amended the quote.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 29, 2016   #15
Your claim of having worked with various nationalities and across different time zones sounds like a hyperbole. This is an exaggeration of facts based on the claims you made in the essay. Be on the safe side and only make claims that you can prove in essay form. While your work does sound fast paced and involving of many communities, such a statement on your part cannot be simply be supported in this type of essay. I suggest removing that part based on that reason.

Why don't you discuss the type of networking that you had to create in order to establish the SSPE in your university? That sounds like a missed opportunity to discuss a very strong possible example of your networking skills. It can take the place of the part where you discuss your role in department fairs and similar events at the school. Establishing the SSPE sounds more relevant to the prompt requirement. The removal of that portion I am talking about will also tighten the information in the essay and lower your word count by a noticeable number as well. That will give you room to develop the essay more in my suggested manner.
mardian24 46 / 75  
Oct 29, 2016   #16
Hi shadow7 , I'm trying to make some comments
1. .. On my second year at university ...
You can use sophomore to make you sentence more simple

2. Use a different type of sentence to make this essay easier to read.

3. You have good grammar and structural for making sentence, but trying to manage your ide such as for the first you tell about your idea then you give reasons for supporting your idea and then give examples in your daily life after that give a results and the last is conclusion. I hope it will hope you to make your idea better.

Thank you
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 29, 2016   #17
I got your point.
Concerning the second paragraph I amended to this:

I was also an Elected Young Professional member by the Executive Committee of Society of Sudanese Petroleum Engineers (SSPE). This experience inspired me to establish my own network in the university and SSPE. There was no connection between the university and SPE, I suggested to my colleagues to establish an SPE chapter in the university, they agreed directly ,but they requested a direct letter from the University and ten online registered students with SPE ID numbers. I directly asked ten of my colleagues to register in the online SPE website, explaining to them the method to register and numerating the benefits of the registration including but not limited to awarding scholarships and fellowships.We applied for establishing the chapter and we got the confirmation, It was where I learned to use two networks for their individual benefit and success, thus, We established the first SPE Chapter office in the University linking it to both local and global industry.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,155 2308  
Oct 29, 2016   #18
You excellently developed your networking skill and style in this particular paragraph. You did good work and should include this in the essay. You already know where to position it in the essay. I mentioned it to you in my previous post. Now, what you have to do is review the total essay with a critical eye. Make sure that you have presented the best networking skills that you have. Try to find any irrelevant sections and remove them. Replacing these with better information whenever possible. Your essay has entered the final editing phase. There will be little revisions required to the content (if any) at this point. So if you feel like the essay is ready to use, then go ahead and submit this already. If you want me to do a final read through for you to be sure, then just post the full essay here and I'll take care of the rest.
OP shadow7 4 / 17 4  
Oct 29, 2016   #19
Dear Mardian, I like your suggestion, will try to make my idea in every paragraph starter.
Holt, sooner I will attach my final Draft.


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