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By the "hard work" my dreams and passions are within reach - scholarship essay


FauxFox 1 / 3 2  
Jan 7, 2016   #1
Write about a time when "hard work" paid off - 250 words or less

This essay is for a scholarship. I feel as though the prompt is incredibly general, and the word count is incredibly small. Any help whatsoever, with grammar, spelling, style, content, ANYTHING would be helpful.

Here's what I've got right now:

In my lifetime, I have often been instructed on the value of "hard work". I once thought this term to be frivolous and impractical; I was frequently told that I could "accomplish anything, if only I worked hard enough". I held no belief in this idea. I was cynical, to say the least... and I was wrong.

At the age of 18, I began my first attempt at a college degree. This attempt was quickly thwarted by the deadly disease of alcoholism and addiction, a disease which runs rampant in my bloodline. I spent years in darkness, homeless, financially and emotionally bankrupt, faced with an inescapable fate. At the age of 21, I arrived at my father's doorstep without a penny to my name.

The journey to recovery was far from easy. I had to rebuild my life from scratch. I obtained a job in manual labor with my fiancée, painting houses under a contractor. We worked long hours and spent little, saving until we could afford to rent our own apartment. Eventually, we became successful enough to be awarded with an opportunity I never thought possible: I was to return to school, and work toward what I couldn't achieve the first time.

After thousands of tears, dozens of sleepless nights, a 4.0 grade average, and my name on the Dean's List, I am now fortunate enough to awake each morning with hope-actual, substantial hope-that my dreams and passions are within reach, if only I work hard enough.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 7, 2016   #2
Emily while I do not belittle your actions that led to your alcoholism recovery, it is not exactly the kind of story that this prompt is looking for, much less, the kind of story that can win you a scholarship. the reason is simple, the prompt response you provided was incorrect. You created a personal story about "survival" not "hard - work". aArd work is all about wanting, desiring, or having the ambition to reach a specific goal and eventually, through hard work, achieving exactly that.

In this case, you need to choose a more appropriate topic for the prompt. It is not about "If only I work hard enough" but rather, "I worked hard enough and got what I wanted, needed, or desired." I am sure that there is an instance in your life when you found yourself accomplishing just that. It has to be something that reflects your work ethic and how you use drive and ambition to reach what it is that you want to achieved in life.

A scholarship is a hard grant to receive because of the cut throat competition it entails. This present essay cannot compete on the level that it has to because everything about its development does not support the question that the reviewers want you to answer. Therefore, you must change the theme and topic of your essay to reflect the expected response. By the way, 250 words is a full page, spaced. So that is more that enough space with which to plead your case with the reviewer :-)
OP FauxFox 1 / 3 2  
Jan 9, 2016   #3
Thank you very much for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated!
I can absolutely see what you mean. Looks like I'll start from scratch :)
thanks again!


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