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"Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay


Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 11, 2016   #1
I'm not really good in English especially in writing but I have to write an essay for my scholarship in NTU.

"Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to. Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions."

So here is my essay. Please kindly check and correct the errors. I don't mind a critical review. Thankyou xoxo

"Hardwork and God will never betray" has been my personal values since I was a child. That is why I always work hard to achieve my goal. However I never forget to pray to God to bless my way.

Many people told me that I am a goal-oriented person I think it's true. This was highly influenced by the verse "Hardwork will never betray". Whenever I have a goal, I will do anything to reach it, including taking every risks that can happend. I strongly believes that I should finish everything that I started with an impressive goal. This value that I hold strongly to has made me could be the first rank in class when I was in elementary school and senior high school. Whenever I get a task, I always work hard to do it until I am satisfied with the result and when I have an exam, I will never stop studying until I have finished even if it was already late.

Besides, I trust that work hard is nothing without the help of God. Therefore I always pray to God when I have a goal so He can light my way to accomplished my goal. I believe that if we work hard and pray, success will always follow us.

As I said before, I love to take risks and challenge myself to do the best. Therefore I want to challenge myself by enrolling in the leading university in Singapore. However, my mom is a single parent, so for us studying abroad is really expensive. Due to that, obtaining a scholarship is my only chance. I hope that my personall values can make NTU considered me to obtain a scholarship. If I get this scholarship, I assure to do my best for myself, for NTU, and for the world.
giuzu98 1 / 7 1  
Dec 11, 2016   #2
Hardwork and God will never betray you" (I would address it since it is a quote)

And it's either "has(singular) been my personal value(singular) or hard work and god have been my leads or the values I rely on

v5 I strongly believe that I should finish everything I start with impressive results

This value that I hold strongly to has made me ...
I'll try to give this a sense by changing rewriting it even if I am not 100% sure of what you meant

The values I am relying on are what made me succeed with great grades throughout elementary school and high school. I always work hard when I put my mind into something, and to this day I have always reached or exceeded people's expectations after completing every task.

No matter how hard work is, or how little time I have, I am not satisfied until I finish what I started


this are a couple of things that were really obvious.it's almost 4 i the morning and I really have to go now but if nobody fixed the rest of your essay by tomorrow, I'll try to fix it tomorrow

goodnight
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 11, 2016   #3
Fiona, are you transliterating from your mother tongue when you say that "Hard work and God will never betray"? The reason I ask is because the phrase does not make any sense in English. Betray what? The referral to a subject in the phrase is missing. So it doesn't really help the reviewer to read this hanging phrase. I suggest that you try to find a more complete way of stating what it is that you want to say. Even if it runs a bit long and eats some of the major word count. It is important that everything you say in the statement makes sense to the reader otherwise, what you wrote will not be considered in the end.

Your final paragraph that pleads for you to be awarded the scholarship is out of place. There is no need for you to do that. Your application will be considered fairly on its merits along with the other applicants. Instead of that paragraph, try to close the statement on a stronger note exemplifying your values and beliefs. Try to think of a time when you combined both values and had to work on presenting it to people. Then tell the reviewer about it so that it can be considered along with your (hopefully improved) first paragraph.
OP Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 11, 2016   #4
Hi! Thank you for your review and here is my new essay, I hope this is better
Please kindly check the errors again and should I use the first essay or this one? Thankyou

"Do your best and let God do the rest " has been my personal value since I was a child. That is why I always do my best whenever I do something. I also never forget to pray to God to bless my way.

Many people told me ...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 11, 2016   #5
You can use the second essay instead of the first one. You will need to do some proof reading and spell checking before you submit this essay though. By the way, you still haven't removed the reference to the scholarship in the last paragraph. Why is that? I requested that you remove that portion because it is irrelevant to the prompt requirement. Don't discuss the scholarship in an essay that has a specific prompt requirement that does not include any discussion of the scholarship. That is not going to be appreciated by the reviewer because you are changing the topic and the focus of your essay at the last minute. Which in turn, changes the concentration or considerations of the reviewer regarding your work. It goes from responding properly to the prompt to failing to properly address the requirement in a matter of a few sentences. Don't risk being removed from consideration for admission just because of a single out of place topic discussion. Remove the part about the scholarship and make sure that only the parts of the essay that need to be capitalized are actually capitalized. Proof reading and spell checking are highly important to your paper at this point.
nazzia30 5 / 13  
Dec 11, 2016   #6
... never betray" has been my personal core value since I was a child.

..., including taking every risk that can happen.

Fiona your idea is very good because it really comes across as your true belief but I think you'd have to recheck most of the essay for grammatical errors.
OP Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 12, 2016   #7
How about this one? But I feel there are are still many grammatical errors. Please check it for me, thankyouuu

"Do your best and let God do the rest " has been my core value since I was a child. That is why I always do my best whenever I do something. I also never forget to pray to God to bless my way.

Many people told me that I am a goal-oriented person and I think it's true. This was highly influenced by the verse "Do Your Best". Do The Best for me means I should finish everything I start with impressive results . Whenever I have a goal, I will do anything ...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 12, 2016   #8
There is still something missing in this essay that you cannot seem to accomplish. We need an actual example of your core value at work. Either in a setting where it was challenged and you had to defend it as being correct or, in a scenario where you were called upon to actually practice this value for the benefit of someone else or your own benefit. It is a good value to be sharing with the reviewer. It just seems difficult for you to present an actual example of this core value in action rather than simply offering the overview that tries to summarize how this value works for you. Using your grades as an example or a hypothetical setting for something that you need to get done doesn't really show how you embody this value in action, which is what the prompt requires. So you have the core value explanation perfected as of now. What you need to do next is present an actual example of this core value in action for you.
OP Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 12, 2016   #9
Ah okay thankyou for the feedback, but I'm a bit confuse on what should I write as an example. And what should I use to start the example? I mean should I use something like 'for the example' or are there more suitable word? Thankyou
OP Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 12, 2016   #10
What about this one? Thankyou

"Do your best and let God do the rest " has been my core value since I was a child. Many people told me that I am a goal-oriented person and I think it's true. This was highly influenced by the verse "Do Your Best". For me it means I should finish everything I start with impressive results . Whenever I have a goal, I will do anything to reach it, including taking every risk that can happend. The values I am relying on are what made me succeed with great grades throughout elementary school and high school. I always work hard when I put my mind into something, and to this day I have always reached or exceeded people's expectations after completing every task. No matter how hard work is, or how little time I have, I am not satisfied until I finish what I started.

However, I trust that every work that I do is nothing without the help of God. Therefore I always pray to God when I have a goal so He can light my way. I always try my best when I do something, but I let God to take care of the rest because I believe that God have His own plan for myself.

A few years ago, I joined a math competition in my province. It was a small competition but I challenge myself to joined. I didn't have much experienced, so I just studied as hard as I could. I prayed to God to help me and I did my best in the competition although I felt I couldn't do it. However the result was unexpected! I got the 1st place! I knew this could happend only because I tried to do the best and pray to God.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 12, 2016   #11
This latest version that you wrote is very good and gives an acceptable example for the reviewer to consider with the rest of your application. The only problem that this version has, as far as I can tell, is that the example is in the wrong position within the essay. Proper placement of the example within the overall written work is essential to the impact that it delivers to the reviewer and also, helps to make the essay a better read for the reviewer. So where would I place the example in your essay if I were the one who wrote this work?

Normally, the example is placed immediately after the opening statement. That is usually the spot that has the most impact on the reviewer because he has a tendency to remember the story you are telling. it has to do with the fact that the example is presented early on, before the overload of information in your written work but not too early so that it sounds like your introduction instead.

Therefore, I would place the example immediately after the opening statement. In order to create an effective closing statement with the current 2nd paragraph, all you have to do is remove the word "However" from the start of the paragraph. Open instead with "I trust that..." so that the essay will conclude on a relevant note that reiterates your core value prior to closing the discussion with the reviewer.
OP Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 12, 2016   #12
OMG thankyou so much!
One last question, is there any grammatical errors?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 13, 2016   #13
Hi Piper. Yes, there are some simple grammatical errors that exist in the essay but I do not want to worry abut those parts just yet. You still have to finalize the content of the essay and the form at this point. So it would be best to not edit the text because you may still want to change some of the words that you use in the response. Don't worry though, the grammatical errors are not so bad that it affects the overall thought you are trying to convey. In fact, there are times when I believe the grammatical errors should remain because it adds to the honesty in the voice of the student. However, since that part concerns you, I will help you to correct those mistakes, once we are agreed upon the final content of your essay. ok? Work on the revision first, who knows, the grammatical errors might be of help to you in the end.
OP Piperr1288 1 / 7  
Dec 13, 2016   #15
This is my last draft

"Do your best and let God do the rest " has been my core value since I was a child. Many people have told me that I am a goal-oriented person and I think this is true. I was highly influenced by the saying "Do Your Best". For me it means I strive to finish everything I start with impressive results . The values I am relying on are what made me succeed with excellent grades throughout elementary school and high school. I always work hard when I put my mind into something, and to this day I have always reached or exceeded people's expectations after completing every task. No matter how hard the task is, or how little time I have, I am not satisfied until I finish what I started.

A few years ago, I joined a math competition in my province. It was a small competition but I challenged myself to join. I didn't have much experience, so I just studied as hard as I could. I studied until late at night to make sure I had mastered everything for the competition day. I prayed to God to help me and I did my best in the competition although initially I felt I couldn't do it. However the result was unexpected! I won 1st place! I knew this could happen only because I tried to do my best and prayed to God

I trust that every task that I do is nothing without the help of God. Therefore I always pray to God when I have a goal so He can light my way. As I said earlier, I always try my best when I do something, but I let God take care of the rest because I believe that God has His own plan for me.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442  
Dec 13, 2016   #16
Piper, first up, in the quoted version of your personal mantra, please make sure to write it as "Do your best" in quotations. You don't have to capitalize every letter. You are not writing an acronym nor writing something that qualifies as a proper noun. So only the first letter should be capitalized in this case since you are only emphasizing a point in the paragraph.

Next, please don't use exclamation points in the essay. This is an academic paper so shouting in print is not allowed. Just explain what happened or narrate it. No need to over emphasize. The reviewer will already feel your excitement from the way you worded the sentence.

In the last sentence of this essay, please just acknowledge that God has a plan for you. No need to use the term "His" as this forms a redundancy in the final sentence of the essay. After these changes are done, I believe the essay will be ready to submit.


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