Health / Multi-racial / Economic struggle - 3 Unique factors that shaped me

I had to list and describe 3 unique factors that have shaped who I am. 100 words or less.I want to know if mine are good and if you have any grammar suggestions.

Here is what I wrote:

My health obstacle.

While I finally found out what had been causing my constant absences in school, I learned about the meaning of strength. I learned how much pain I could endure and that I could deal with no food for a day or having many tests done. However, I didn't learn its meaning from only my endurance, but from the children I came across in the hospital. Seeing a child ride on an I.V. pole smiling, despite his sickness taught me what strength really is. Strength means, in spite of all the suffering, you can smile knowing you'll be fine.

My multi-racial background.

My background may be confusing, but it's colorful and makes me who I am. Each culture or ethnicity contributes to what makes me who I am. Being Puerto Rican adds to my loud and untamed spirit, while my American roots give me the structure and drive I need to succeed. Even my smaller racial influences are a part of me. Being Cherokee Indian gives me patience and level headiness. French brings me more elegance. They all give me so much in different ways. My multi-racial background makes me unique and reminds me I was born to be different.

My mother's economic struggle

My mother worked hard all her life to give my brother and me a better life. However, she always told us to never be ashamed of whom we are. Her work hard attitude helped me to always be grateful for what is given to me and not to take things for granted. Not only that, but it taught me that success is not obtained through watching television, but getting up and working for it. My life may not have been filled with expensive things, but I it was filled with life lessons that are more important.

I really loved the messages you put within each category. You completely distinguished yourself and it was fun to read! For the first part I think its better to re-write it as "his/her sickness". As for your background being confusing, do you think it would be more appropriate to find a better adjective? Preferably one that depicts the sense of pride or strength you have within your culture. The last sentence of the second paragraph seems a bit redundant. A suggestion would be to change it to something that essentially more powerful and "packs a punch", delivering the final blow of why being multiracial is so important, per say. I loved the last catagory, I think you should keep it as is. Maybe add a small detail of how much she work (i.e. despite working 60 hours a week, her presence was always there to instill us with leadership, etc...)

Sorry, I'm a bit tired, but I think overall you did good.

I hope you can review my essay! Thank you.

Thanks I thought lessons learned and inside messages would distinguish my personality. As for the his/ her sickness if it wasn't for sure a he then I would, but it was actually a little boy I saw. The adjective change was definitely helpful I will look at some other adjectives and see if I can find one better. I do agree on the last sentence it is kind of redundant. I was running out of my writing mojo for that topic. The last one I would do, but I think I was right at a hundred words, I am not sure. I am going to be posting either a new thread for the question I got about change in my community and for my 500 word question if I can ever think of a topic.

I will be looking at your essay now. Thanks so much again for your suggestions.

Try to say this in different words. It sounds like a cliche.

I love the first one... very well-written. But this intro is confusing:
While I finally found out what had been causing my constant absences in school, I learned about the meaning of strength. ( I think you can add a phrase to this sentence, or add a short sentence after this sentence, to answer the question in the reader's mind. What was causing the absences?


Very cool!!

In all 3 of these, try to add some discussion of your plan. In every part of the application, make it as though you are so focused on your plan for the next few years that you cannot help talking in terms of the plan whenever you express yourself. Be totally focused on the plan. These qualities are significant only in relation to what you do in life, so... focus on your deadlines, goals, plans...

:-)