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"Did you hear, that kid Srijan, killed himself last night." community / concept/ experience


RunsForCookies 2 / 5  
Mar 21, 2015   #1
Please help edit my short answers! Any grammatical or conceptual help is appreciated. Thanks!

Short Answers (100 words)

1. If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why?
"Did you hear, that kid Srijan, killed himself last night." I was in utter disbelief, that someone I knew and talked to, had decided to take his own life. He caused a wrong-way car accident, taking his own life, along with two others. During adolescence, a time when we are struggling to define ourselves, we are plagued with the pressure to conform, the stress of school, and the struggle to be happy with our identity. My community needs more youth support and counseling to show people the extreme pressure and unhappiness youths today feel and help those silent strugglers.

2. What is an intellectual concept that you find stimulating and what does it tell us about you?
I find psychology very interesting because it helps better my understanding of society and myself. In my Dynamics of Healthcare class, my teacher educated us in some psychological concepts, "Why do people behave the way they do?" I found it intriguing and exciting to draw connections between these abstract concepts and the concrete tangible actions of people as well as applying these concepts to my own life. Psychology is stimulating to me because it gives me insight on the world around me and enables me to grow and form into the person I want to be.

3. Tell us about a significant experience, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
For as long as I can remember, I've viewed my relatives as selfish, immoral people. The reason? Every single one has refused to donate my mom the kidney she so desperately needs to survive. It should be an obvious and selfless choice. But for them, the need to self-persevere surpasses all. Maybe it is just how divergent our cultures have become, but I believe that family is defined by the lengths we would go for each other. I have tried to convince them that doing this is extremely low risk. Their narrow-mindedness has caused them to fail to understand me.
ennedroC 1 / 3  
Mar 21, 2015   #2
1. "taking his own life" is repetitive, no commas needed in the second sentence
2. "educated us" does not reflect good word choice
3. ---
OP RunsForCookies 2 / 5  
Mar 21, 2015   #3
Is there anything I could substitute for that? I don't really want to say my teacher taught us
ennedroC 1 / 3  
Mar 21, 2015   #4
Try "enlightened" or "gave us some insight on".
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 23, 2015   #5
The first two are off to a good start. Just make sure you answer the whole question and elaborate where you can. The 3rd one needs some more work. I think picking a different topic will be best.

He caused a wrong-way car accident, taking his own life, along with two others.
I would add more about what needs to be changed. Elaborate on how to improve the situation

In question 2, you only answer the first half of the question. What does your interest in psychology tell us about you?

You do not answer # 3. To you that is not an ethical dilemma, it is an obvious fact. Furthermore, I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you are just complaining about your family. Talk about how you face the dilemma of asking one of your family members to sacrifice a kidney, or let your mom live a very impaired, shortened life
OP RunsForCookies 2 / 5  
Mar 23, 2015   #6
Thanks for the help! Would it be okay if the reader can assume I'm intellectually curious from my 2nd answer or should I directly state it?

For the 3rd, do you have any suggestions on how I should word that? To elaborate on it, I was thinking of talking about the pros and cons of asking my relatives to donate and kidney but would that be enough to answer the question?
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 23, 2015   #7
For the 2nd one, you should directly state it, and elaborate on why it is good to be intellectually curious.
For number 3, I think talking about the pros and cons of asking your relatives to donate would be great. Maybe you could also talk about your own dilemma - maybe guilt about asking them, worry about your mom, wondering what will happen, but still having to perservere. It could be about an ethical dilemma and a tough situation you had to go through.

Also, I would mention why you did not donate, or do not plan to donate.

Lastly, I would just take out the judgmental language towards your family. Saying things like "narrow-minded" and stuff is unprofessional and you want to appear professional in these answers.

I hope this helped? I do not know your situation very well so I'm just kinda guessing
OP RunsForCookies 2 / 5  
Mar 23, 2015   #8
Yes, you most definitely did! I needed someone to take a more objective look at my answers since sometimes I let my emotions cloud my writing.


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