Hi, this is one of my essays for the QuestBridge College Prep Scholarship. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Please give me feedback. I would rather you be brutally honest than nice. Thanks in advance.
Question: Why do you want to pursue a career in medicine? What personal or educational experiences have heightened your interest in the medical field, and how do you hope to contribute to the field in the future? (300 word limit)
Answer:
A career in medicine is best for me. I want to pursue a career in medicine because I would like to use my knowledge to help others, specifically children. Working in the medical field would allow me to directly impact many people's lives. I would be able to help those around me in various ways such as providing information about certain disease and helping them find treatment. My love for learning and education is also why I want to pursue a career in medicine. As a physician, there will always be something need to learn because science and technology is always evolving.
Taking Living Environment in middle school has increased my interest in the medical field. I found the course extremely interesting. When we were studying Anatomy and the Human Body Systems I was very intrigued by the complex functions of our bodies. It amazes me that everything in the body, no matter how small, has a role and is important. This, to me, is astonishing because we, as humans, usually look at things that are small as worthless however in our bodies they can be the difference between being healthy and unhealthy.
In the future, I hope to be a great contribution to the medical field. I would do this by using my education and experiences to inform and assist others. My benevolent and sympathetic character puts me in a position to make an impact on the lives of those around me. Working in the medical field, I will be collaborating with many people. I will interact with patients, parents, bosses and colleagues. In this field I would not only be helping my patients but also their families. Working as a pediatrician would allow me to do what I truly love which is learning and benefiting others.
I'm sorry but all of these I have read and heard of again again. I would like to see more of your soul. Could you be more personal? Talk honestly about what drove you into medicine. Give an example. Something from you life that drove you there. Give more sentiment.
For instance, "I was puzzled to make a decision for my future. Trying to decide who I am and what my character impels me to follow as a carreer something unexpected happen..(some incident..) I realised that I was happy helping people and conrtibuting to others' wellbeing. "
But again this is only my opinion..
Grammar-wise, I have very few complaints, as you can see. But shack555 is right about your apparent lack of passion. Tell me a story; what experiences, beliefs, hobbies, or talents have shaped your desire to become a doctor? Saying you love learning and want to help people are definitely true and good for becoming a doctor, but also for many other jobs, and they're a little cliched.
