Essay 2: How would scholarship funds help you? Why do you feel you should receive a scholarship? Explain any unusual circumstances that affect your financial need.
Education is an important impact in my life and this scholarship would help me get a better life and I wouldn't have to worry about money for college. As a full-time student, I am having a hard time finding a job. Recently, I was terminated from my job as a Student Aide and I tried applying for jobs just to work part time, pay my tuition and take care of my son but unfortunately all the positions were filled. My mom is the only one who works full-time as a GNA and she can't afford to pay my tuition because she needed to pay utility bills and rent. Receiving this scholarship would mean a lot to me because it would give me a chance to stay away from debt and focus on my responsibilities. My mom has done so much in my life and I want to give her much more.
Hello, I would like to help you with your essay. There was a very thoughtful expression at the end of the essay and the meaning of the essay is clear. However, there are errors that need to be corrected to help you improve your essay.
First, there are sentences that contain too much information. If there are more simple sentences, this will help improve your essay.
Ex: "Education has an impact on my life. This scholarship would help me obtain a better life and I would worry less about money for college." Student aide should be in all lowercase letters. I'm unsure why you were terminated from your job. Personally, I would state that I lost my job, especially if you weren't fired. You want to express that a loss of income prevents you from paying your tuition.
Place a period after son. Start a new sentence: "Yet, all the positions were filled." I'm not sure what a GNA is, I can only assume that she is a health professional because of the NA. I would avoid the abbreviation and just state her profession if she permits you to and it helps you obtain a scholarship.
Change part of the sentence to: "...she needs to pay the rent and utility bills." I am going to make a suggestion to make this sentence better: "Receiving this scholarship would help me tremendously, because it would give me a chance to stay away from help me avoid debt and focus on my education." I thought the word tremendously shows you really need it from the way you describe your situation in the essay. If you use responsibilities it is too vague, but using the word education shows that this scholarship will be for your educational needs.
Education has an impact on my life. This scholarship would help me obtain a better life and I would worry less about money for college. As a full-time student, I am having a hard time finding a job. Recently, I lost my job as a student aide and I tried applying for jobs just to work part time, pay my tuition and take care of my son. Unfortunately, yet all the positions were filled. My mom is the only one who works full-time as a Geriatric Nursing Assistant (GNA) and she can't afford to pay my tuition because she needs to pay the rent and utility bills. Receiving this scholarship would help me tremendously because it would help me avoid debt and focus on my education. My mom has done so much in my life and I want to give her much more.
I fixed it. Anything I need to change on this essay.
There is only a slight error in your essay. You quickly made the changes. This is excellent! After discussing taking care of your son you need to delete a word. Unfortunately, "Yet, all the positions were filled. Presently, my mom..."
There are only two changes a deletion of a word and a word added to the beginning of the next sentence.
I hope these suggestions have helped you!
