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Helped a group of friends reach success


JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Jun 18, 2016   #1
Hello everyone at Essay Forum,

I hope this finds you all well. The following is an essay for a scholarship I found online. There is no word limit. I would like a second opinion on the essay before editing and cutting unnecessary items. I appreciate any help in advance.

The prompt:

Write an essay explaining how you've helped your community.

My love for learning begun inside Taller Infantil Quiroga, a small elementary school in Bogota, Colombia. I always carried that love with me, finishing my assignments before the rest of the students, often getting me in trouble for not having something to do. Until today, that desire to learn stayed deep within the walls of my heart. While taking Calculus I at Broward College in the spring of 2014, my passion for both math and learning ignited, where I wanted to help others succeed.

On our first day in class, I met Da and Andrea, both of whom sat beside me. Our friendship began when we received our first exam scores. Da, Andrea, and I received an F, D, and a C respectively. We wondered. What happened? Why were our scores so low? The week after, I implanted a small seed: I asked them if they wanted to study together after class. They agreed. For the rest of the semester we did just that. As a strategy, we planned to finish homework after class since the material was still fresh in our minds. When Da and Andrea did not understand a problem, I helped them right away. Because of my understanding of math, it came easy to mentor and tutor them. By the end of the semester, we gained a letter A in the class as a final grade. As a result, the group, "The Calculus Team," formed.


For the next few semesters, I led the team by keeping it alive, gathering lunch dates, contacting members, and always reminding them, "We have homework to do after class. Do not leave the campus please!" Studying after class became a routine, and it comprised emergency Sundays, where we tested each other before Monday's exam. We had fun while studying, ate snacks, and made it a nice learning environment. That environment helped us succeed. My involvement in school was minimal because I worked full-time, however, I made this small group my first priority. Success no longer belonged to me; it belonged to the group as a whole. If one of us received a failing grade, we supported that person by lifting them up an encouraging them to not give up. Most of the members in our group ended up gaining A's in their courses, including me. Some of us ended up in the top five scores in each of the classes because we competed with one another. We challenged each other and competing for the highest grade, and it's what drove us to success. My passion for math and learning infected each member, making this one of my biggest accomplishments.


Not only did I mentor and tutor my friends, but I learned something in myself: I had the ability to get others to believe in themselves and their dreams. Each person learned of my story and my struggle while working full-time, living alone, and supporting my mother while trying to maintain high grades in every course. If I could get high grade, my friends learned that they could do the same. Many of the members in the group were undecided of their career options too. When I shared with them my dream of becoming an astronaut someday, it inspired them to follow their calling. And by our last semester, I convinced four of my friends to apply to better universities in the state and the country rather than staying local. I knew they had the potential to succeed in a bigger and more prestigious university. They each got accepted and will now go to make their dreams and desires possible.

Planting that small seed while in calculus class has had a large impact in my life and the lives of each member. I learned that success as a group surpassed my own success. Each person will go out to the change world because they learned of what hard work, passion, and desire meant. It may have been a small group of people, but each of them will contribute to the betterment of our community and our planet by becoming Electrical, Aerospace, Mechanical, and Biomedical Engineers. My friends, who I love, I will miss, but I am certain that by helping them, I helped my community and the world at large, leaving a small footprint in their hearts and lives.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 19, 2016   #2
Juan, undoubtedly that it is always interesting to read your essay, from the beginning till the end. Your strength was able to outweigh your weakness smoothly. I have only found few weaknessess from your essay that can be strengthened by having some modifications. You can see the detailed feedback in the descriptions below:

1. Somehow 'no words limit' is a tricky prompt. The selection of scholarship application is selected by professional examiners. Professional people are limited by 'time'. Reading a hundred or thousand essays without a time limitation is impossible. As a result, too long essay will probably not completely being read by examiners. Therefore, I suggest you to keep following the common essay application words limit, ranging from 300 - 500 words.

2. Remember, even though it wasn't an academic essay, somehow the clarity will be improved if you avoid using 'fanboys' (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) in the beginning of the sentence like what you've written in your essay above. Also, it makes your essay looks formal.

There you are Juan, some suggestions have been delivered clearly. I hope you find it helpful :) Good luck for the application
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Jun 19, 2016   #3
Dear Mochtar,

Thank you so much for the feedback. I went ahead and changed my fanboys over usage. You were right! I have added that recommendation in my "scholarship writing" advice sheet. :-)

Have an awesome day,

Juan.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 20, 2016   #4
Hi Juan, as I finish reading your essays, it brought me back to those days when I was also starting to gain friends, their trust and being able to move people towards a brighter perspective in life and to what the future holds.

I'm just puzzled though, because sometimes, you really have very good essays and sometimes, you just seem to write for the sake of writing and not really putting your heart to it. I have no doubts that you are able to write good- read essays and writing projects, however, in order for you to be consistent, form a habit of writing a well written essay all the time, this way, each and every submission will be a wonderful and worth - to - read essay.

Also, I notice that, as the prompt asks, you always go back to your roots in Bogota, Columbia, I must say, you are a patriotic person and this is a very good trait of a writer, you can always draw inspiration out of your love of learning and of the place where it all began, Bogota, Columbia. With your articles, I kind of wishing that one day, I will be able to visit your place and be able to experience that simple life you learn to grow up with and what inspired you to aspire greatness in life.

Moreover, this essay answered the prompt, you manage to develop an essay out of the idea you draw from where you came from.
Believe it or not, there's not much writer who can actually come up with a good essay out of hardships and simpleness in life, but I for one believe that, hardships will only make us strong and provide us that urge to keep fighting, keep dreaming and work towards the fulfillment of our dreams.


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