Hey everybody! Hope you can read my essay. Thank you!
I am helpful, open minded, future oriented, and loyal. I really like to help people that I care about, mostly that ones who are willing to work hard to accomplish some task. For 2 years-long of my undergraduate study I participated of a mentoring program helping other students to improve their abilities and comprehension of the career we chosen. During that time I learnt and shared several feelings in order to improve our comprehension about the choices we did and why we did. I want to help others to grow as a person and open their minds to a new understanding. I am a volunteer at Alcoa Foundation, where I work in schools with children, encouraging them to keep focusing on their studies and helping them to find a career. In that place I can use my experience at work and also my academic experience to help them take some decision. All of it in a playful manner. As open minded, I gather new information constantly in order to learn as much as I can. The constant reading is my favorite source of learning. I enjoy developing new ideas, hear what other people have to say and add it to my skill-set. I am leader at a so-called stability group responsible for improving the productivity at shop floor and, for me is very important hear the thoughts that others have. I am also open to adjusting my plans, as long as the suggestion is brought in a logical manner. During our sessions we use to practice brainstorming as it is my favorite tool at work because it promotes an atmosphere of focusing, where everybody's working in the same path. As future oriented I mean to say I do not just live for the here and now. I am focus constantly centered on the future. I love planning, this is what I do at work, and I enjoy making long-term plans in any circumstance. I do not have people close for the present moment. I want to have lifelong bonds, I want to help people plan their future and figure out the best way to approach because is good to be surrounded by successful individuals. As loyal I care about the people in my inner circle. I work hard to make sure they stick by me at all times. I stand by the people close with a sense of loyalty. I may not be the most emotional individual, but I am supportive and trustworthy. And I also demand this same level of loyalty in return. I have zero patience for people who I cannot trust. I put a long of energy into my relationships, expecting that same level of respect in return.
Hi. I noticed a few grammatical errors in your essay.
1. Remove "that" in the second sentence.
2. "For 2 years-long of my undergraduate study I participated of ..." should be "For 2 years of my undergraduate study, I participated in a mentoring program, helping other students to improve their abilities and comprehension of the career we chose."
3. "During that time I learnt and shared several feelings ..." should be "During that time, I learnt and shared several feelings in order to improve our comprehension about the choices we made and why we made them."
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3444
Lucas, you have a very entertaining presentation in this essay. I really enjoyed reading it and saw that you have the potential for leadership and the ability to influence people. You actually embody what Chevening is looking for in their potential scholar. The problem though, is that the essay is presented in a messy manner, which made it difficult to decide if you are telling just one story or not. Turns out you were telling two stories.
Please consider dividing the essay into topic paragraphs. That way you can better develop the content of each paragraph to highlight your leadership and influencing abilities. It won't be hard for you to do since there is a clear demarcation of the abilities in your essay. You need to better present the abilities that you actually use in your workplace though. Just as you identified the group you work with, you also have to identify the office or company where you are employed. Your essay will be made stronger if you can present a professional and civic side that supports your leadership claims.
Now, about the last part of your essay that talks about bonds and loyalty, I believe that you should remove those parts from this essay and place it in the networking essay instead. The idea behind your statement falls more under the latter prompt that this one. I am sure you can better develop these thoughts as part of your networking process.
Thank you! I've considered your corrections.