Hello everyone, I have drafted my personal statement for the GKS Scholarship Application (I am applying for a master's degree) and I would like you to kindly review my essay. Thank you in advance.
The essay is judged based on the following
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.
My career path has always been unknown until my first year of college when I worked part-time as a teaching assistant. Part of my job then was having to substitute the professor I worked for since she could not make it to the class that day. As I tutored from start to finish, I was fascinated by how encouraging the students to learn and grow in their careers gave me a sense of fulfillment. For this reason, lecturing made me realize that teaching is my passion in life.
To accomplish my goal as an educator, I have to continue my studies to hone my knowledge and skills related to my field. Thus, after graduating with a degree in Information Systems, I decided to further my education abroad. Although obtaining my master's and doctoral degrees overseas is not necessary, I acknowledge that studying abroad provides much more than my home country could offer. For instance, getting an education from another country promotes a different way of learning and teaching, as well as a higher level of adaptability and language skills.
Although I have applied to numerous universities in many different countries, I am especially interested in studying in Korea because they provide high-quality education. Moreover, Korea is known for its expertise in information technology, which is beneficial for me since I am planning to hone my career in either accounting or management information systems. Finally, Korea offers employment opportunities that will help me apply what I have learned.
As an Information Systems graduate, I am longing for a master's study in the same or a remotely similar major at universities that are well known for its high-quality education systems. I believe that by doing this, it will make a difference in my life by helping me continue my journey towards academic excellence. As a result, I may shape my plans by earning a proper education, and in turn, provide the highest quality of teaching possible.
I have always been passionate about helping other people grow as they advance in their careers. However, I cannot thrive in my profession without pursuing further education. Because of this, continuing my studies abroad in South Korea will shape my future academically and personally, in hopes to become the professor I aspire to be.Your personal statement is good and straight to the point.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 This isn't a strong essay. It is confusing to read. The first paragraph sort of implied that you wanted to become an educator. Turns out, that wasn't the case. You want to become an Information Technology specialist instead. You better replace the first paragraph so the reviewer will not be confused upon reading your essay. You should also avoid mentioning that you have applied to other international scholarships. Even though you are telling the reviewer that Korea is your priority, that is not what he will be thinking. Instead, he will tend to believe that you will accept the first international scholarship to accept you. So that sentence alone will be enough to disqualify your essay. Your overall writing, in all honesty, does not meet the writing requirements of the prompt. There is no clear relationship between your work experience and the GKS, there is no believable interest in wanting to study in Korea, there is nothing, in this essay, that will imply that you are a serious GKS applicant. You should read the samples of the other KGSP and GKS applications in this forum. Reading those samples should help you develop a better and more targeted response essay.
@Holt
Thank you very much for your feedback. Your advice will definitely help me improve my essay.
@Holt Can you read my personal statement and write your opinion? If you don't mind, I can send you an email. Sure, you may contact us for a private service at essayforum.com@gmail.com.
Hi! I totally agree with Holt, your interest in this particular grant is not clear. Also, to be honest, I was very surprised when I read the following: "Although obtaining my master's ..." As if you are underestimating your country and the importance of pursuing further degrees!
However, your English is really good, I like it. But, you still need to reconsider the logical order. Good luck!
Your updated personal statement is way more better however, you can't start a sentence with "Because" . The reason you can't start a sentence with because is because the sentence needs two parts for "because" to join together.
