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HEOP ESSAY SCHOLARSHIP


felixs07 9 / 10  
Dec 11, 2008   #1
You must include information about you and your family that will enhance our understanding of your
historic disadvantage, i.e. unusual family circumstances, household circumstances that may have influenced your
academic performance, information about your neighborhood, special support services needed, etc.

My name is Felix Santana and I am eighteen years old. I am currently a senior at East Side Community High School. I am interested in becoming a computer engineer. At my school, we communicate through a diverse community. This has taught me to be around many people and by this advantage; I have shown leadership throughout my school. At my school I am known for being the right hand calendar man, who always is on top of everyone due dates. I try to motivate others to become closer to college events and to change the world. Many of us come from low-income families, and I try to thrive them to being a successful person. I find myself a good person because I motivate others to make a good character. I find this a good characteristic in me so when I enter college I could express my ideas with other identities.

I was born on the Lower East Side in Manhattan NY. Today, it is a wonderful place to live but the previous 17 years it was not. My community was always surrounded with red, blue and white lights. Police officers would stand patrolling making sure to keep everyone safe but that did not work a lot.

Our community would do everything together for example: everyone would stand on the same corner, play in the same park, go to the same local elementary school and even high school. We were all considered to be "one". By being "one", it made it very difficult for me to explore. I had no opportunities to see what we could not see. By being "one", got me into the wrong problems because I was so indoctrinated to believe that where I was living the perfect place until I realized it wasn't.
mollyvdb88 1 / 2  
Dec 11, 2008   #2
It is a good start, make sure you check your grammar, and expand on some of the information.

Make sure your sentences flow
shahindian2009 8 / 12  
Dec 12, 2008   #3
I agree. Your essay lacks alot of substance. Provide a personal example. Include imagery. Allow the reader to believe they are actually taking a stroll through your neighborhood and what they would see through your eyes.
FYI 3 / 22  
Dec 12, 2008   #4
Hey,

"circumstances" could be financial problems, someone close died, serious injury, you had to travel, and as shahindian2009 said, they should see and feel what you felt. Family problems is like the most affecting cause you have to deal with it everyday.

"historic disadvantage" should be a disadvantage or suffering. To have a good shot, you should have a strong piece discussing how did this "historic disadvantage" make you suffer or lose track.

I think this should be a good explanation for the prompt question (scholarship essay should be unusual I guess)

(:
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 12, 2008   #5
At my school I am known for being the right hand calendar man, who always is on top of everyone's due dates.

Many of us come from low-income families, and I hope to make an example by being a successful person. My contribution is one of encouragement; in college, I can express my ideas while contributing to group morale and motivation.

This is very thoughtful. I made some important corrections, and I think you should add a conclusion paragraph that reflects on the whole essay. Good luck!!!
fastracker91 1 / 4  
Dec 15, 2008   #6
you can make it flow better by reading your essay out loud to yourself...it removes any awkwardness and make your transition smooth too

=) good luck!


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