Hi everyone, i have recently finished this essay for my scholarship with word limit of 800, can u give me some comments on how to better it, thx everyone
"I was born and raised in Viet Nam. When I finished my last year at the Junior Secondary School for the Gifted, my parents and I decided that studying abroad would be the best option for me. After carefully discussing and risks calculating, I decided to do straight 2 years GCE A Levels at Wakefield College in England with a scholarship
I really enjoy subjects I have been studying in my A Levels, especially Mathematics. This is the reason why I decided to take up AS Further Mathematics in first year. In year 2, as the College did not provide full A2 Further Maths, I knew that to get a place in one of the top business schools in UK and in the world, Advanced Maths would be a big advantage, but doing it could lower grades of other subjects because I had to do it by my own. With self - motivation and passions, I took the risk. After two years, the risk really paid off, I got double A* for Maths and Further Maths and I was awarded 'Walshaw Teachers' Award for Achievement at Advance Level Mathematics' by Wakefield College.
Coming to Singapore and England have gained me valuable experience and study in a different language has made me work harder in order to meet the course objectives. I have found myself equipped with not only knowledge but also appropriate skills and attitudes that I need to perform and meet challenges in further education. I can work as an individual or in a team effectively and my accountability for working to deadlines has been considerably improved due to group assignments in class.
I want a life - changing educational experience and to challenge myself, which is the reason why I have chosen a degree course at SIM Global Education in Singapore, where it gives very good reputation for business.
I would love a scholarship so I can achieve my long term goal of getting an accounting degree and fulfill my dream because I know that education is the most important thing in my life and if I do not get it now, then it will be more difficult to get it back later. Besides, due to the financial crisis happened recently, my parent's business is now in debt and I was always anxious that my family's budget would cause me some difficulties to accomplish my goals.
I really need and do think I deserve this scholarship due to all the hard - work and determination I put throughout the years. Moreover, I am an international student who is not supported by financial aid and not allowed a work permit due to student visa. Without financial aid and part - time job, it has been so difficult for my parents to afford it. This makes the scholarship even more precious to me.
If I am given the opportunity, I can further my education without having to depend on my family so much and prove my worth to the SIM community"
maybe be more specific about your career goals? show that you have thought it through and that you know exactly what you want and how you're going to get it with the scholarship. you did a very good job of up selling yourself without seeming boastful. other than that, try to read your sentences out loud to avoid awkward phrasing? sometimes I had to read groups of sentences more than once to understand what you were trying to say. maybe that's because you speak british english, but it never hurts. good job and good luck! (:
I really appreciate your comment, about the career, there's section in the application's form i can fill in and i try to keep this essay in short. I did some adjustments to make it shorter, hope to make the points clearer to the selection panel, and see if anyone can give more comments on this, thx
"I was born and raised in Viet Nam. When I finished my last year at the Junior Secondary School for the Gifted, my parents and I decided that studying abroad would be the best option for me. After carefully discussing and risks calculating, I decided to do straight 2 years GCE A Levels at Wakefield College in England with a scholarship
I was born and raised in Viet Nam. After completion of secondary education, my parents decided that studying abroad woud be the best option for me. Taking all the risks into careful consideration, I decided to start with straight two years at GCE Advanced Levels at Wakefield College in England with a scholarship.I really enjoyed the subjects I have been studying in my A Levels, especially Mathematics. This is the reason why I decided to take up AS Further Mathematics in first year. In year 2, as the College did not provide full A2 Further Maths, I knew that to get a place in one of the top business schools in UK and in the world, Advanced Maths would be a big advantage, but doing it could lower grades of other subjects because I had to do it by my own. With self - motivation and passions, I took the risk. After two years, the risk really paid off, I got double A* for Maths and Further Maths and I was awarded 'Walshaw Teachers' Award for Achievement at Advance Level Mathematics' by Wakefield College.
.... The sentence I have highlighted is pretty too long and better you re-phrase it
.... The sentence I have highlighted is pretty too long and better you re-phrase it
I really appreciate ur comment and here what i tried to change
'This is the reason why i took up Further Mathematics although i had to do it on my own because College did not teach full subject in the second year. I know it would be a big advantage for me to get to top business schools, but doing it along with other subjects would be very difficult'
