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JPM21 2 / 1  
Sep 14, 2020   #1

My aspirations to become a diplomat and foreign minister

Everyone must have aspirations and ambitions to be the best in everything. On the journey of becoming the best, everyone wants to be more in everything than anyone else. It's what motivates me to learn even more than other people do. As said Ir. Soekarno "Hang your ideals as high as the sky! Dream as high as the sky. If you fall, you will fall among the stars." that's what I instilled in myself since I was a teenager. The motivational words of the first president and founding father of the Indonesian nation made me dream and aspire to study abroad. Because Ir. Soekarno once said "Whoever wants pearls, must dare to plunge into the deep ocean." These words made me think of getting out of my comfort zone and studying in the best place to be the best. Motivation and support from my parents also added to my enthusiasm and desire to study abroad. Since childhood, I became interested in international news, when I saw news about civil war, Israel's aggression to Palestine, tensions between North and South Korea, and etc. Since then, my heart has been moved to make a difference to the world and aspire to become someone who has a big influence and makes the world safe and peaceful. Becoming a diplomat and foreign minister for Indonesia in the future is my first step towards making the world peaceful and safe. As foreign minister, I want to establish diplomatic relations between Indonesia and Israel that have never been established. In order to persuade Israel to be able to provide independence for Palestine and become a bridge to make diplomatic relations between Arab countries and Israel harmonious, become a mediator for South and North Korea to make peace, make countries experiencing civil war can return to being harmonious country. I want to make Indonesia a country that is known as a mediating state for countries that have disagreements or are in conflict. With the KGSP scholarship program, I believe this will be the first step for me to create a world that is safe, peaceful and serene.

I always give thanks to God because I can be born into a family with an adequate economy, have a father, mother and a younger brother and a younger sister. I grew up in a harmonious family and a family that always prioritizes religious and social values. Even though my family is well off economically, but I was always taught by my parents to work hard and try first to get something I wanted as a reward for my hard work and efforts. Because of that, I grew up as a person who never gave up and always wanted to get an education in the best place. In my family, my father always instilled the principle of being diligent, honest, and fearing God in me as the key to being successful both in work and in living. Because of that principle, I grew to become a person who is diligent, flexible, insightful, knowledgeable, creative, open-minded, and knows how to manage time well. Behind my good personality, I have a perfectionist side, an indifferent attitude, easily become emotional, when I want something using an instant way, and like to underestimate and take it easy when doing something. But honestly, the time when I was in junior high and high school that I spent 6 years and the direction from my parents to take music courses and swim club made me change and learn many things. From there, I began to learn to be a person who knows playing music as a medicine to release stress and how to control emotions within myself, knows how to position myself when I am angry, learns to respect the process and not underestimate things anymore, and reduce the perfectionist side that can harm me. I have not been able to get rid of my nonchalant attitude because for me it is useful to protect myself from unhealthy friendships and an unhealthy environment, because in fact I am a friendly and humorous person when making friends with anyone. The indifferent attitude I have is only as a protector and a shield for me so that I don't enter and mingle into the wrong environment.

My aspirations to become a diplomat and foreign minister of Indonesia cannot be separated from two important figures known to the world, namely Ir.Soekarno and Mr. Ban Ki-Moon as my role models in reaching my dreams. Imitating the unyielding spirit of Ir. Soekarno as my role model made me determined to study abroad, especially in South Korea, because I also idolized the figure of Mr. Ban Ki-Moon who was a role model for me in my career to become a diplomat and a foreign minister in the future. Because of his extraordinary career journey from being a diplomat to finally becoming a general secretary at the United Nations, which in my opinion is the pinnacle of a diplomat's career if he can work in an important position in the United Nations or at least become a delegate representing a country. I want to continue my studies at the place where Mr. Ban Ki-Moon studied, namely Seoul National University with a major in International Relations as my main goal to study. Why South Korea? Because in my opinion South Korea is a country that still shows a strong culture and history that blends perfectly with technology and modernization in the era of globalization. Besides that, it is also one of the goals of students from various countries including Indonesia to get education in South Korea because South Korea is a comfortable and pleasant country to live and study and also South Korea has one of the best education systems in Asia. I hope that with this KGSP scholarship program I can study in South Korea and have the opportunity to meet in person and be able to interview Mr. Ban Ki-Moon, asking some questions about how to become a successful diplomat.

From junior high school to high school, I participated in the marching band extracurricular activities at school. We have achieved various championships in regional marching band competitions and being invited to appear in major events. I got various awards and experiences when I joined the marching band extracurricular. Experience getting a new family in a marching band, how to work in a team, putting aside ego and self-esteem, learning something new, making friends with people who have different personalities and much more. The most valuable experience for me was when I was in grade 2 in high school, I was appointed to be the school's marching band extracurricular coordinator. Being a coordinator, made me have to learn to be a leader for other people in the team, keep the team together and intact, hear opinions and input from team members, decide everything carefully and together with teammates, be responsible to the implementation of these extracurricular activities, and many more, the extracurricular activities have had a lot of impact on my life to respect everyone's opinions more, work together as a team, more respect and understand someone's feelings when they talk to me. That's what makes me like music, especially in the marching band, because it teaches me many things that are useful for life.

I have felt several awards and experiences of appearing at big events when I joined the marching band extracurricular activities, but the award I have never forgotten was when I won 3rd place in the display competition at the regional marching band championship. The journey to get the title was not easy, where we only had 3 months to prepare, learn to unite our minds, put aside each other's egos, learn to be compact, etc. From there, I learned many things that made me aware and changed to learn more to appreciate the process to get the best.

I believe through this Korean Government Scholarship Program it can make me a person of great influence to make the world safe and peaceful. And get to know Korean culture even more and introduce Indonesian culture that is so diverse to friends at universities in South Korea.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,923 3562  
Sep 15, 2020   #2
Unfortunately your essay does not meet the maximum page requirement for the GKS personal statement. You are expected to complete this essay on an A4 sized paper. The content should be worth 2 pages of an A4 sized paper pasted on only 1 side of the document. As such, you will need to revise your essay in totality to meet the page qualification. Review the prompt discussion requirements. Focus on only the information required. You need not be so wordy in this presentation. Use a direct discussion approach.

The reviewer has to review hundreds of applications in one day. He doesn't have the time to read about thankful you are to god and whatever other quotes from other people that you want to discuss in the essay. This is not even the time to discuss your plans as a foreign minister yet. There are 4 basic questions being asked in the GKS - U personal statement. Deliver short but important responses to each part. No more than 5 paragraphs of truly thought out responses are required. There is no need for word filler, discussion deviation, useless information.

Think of this as an oral interview with a limited response time. Be short, concise, and clear. Get your point across with the least number of irrelevant word content. That is how you get the reviewer's attention.
imhana 5 / 9 5  
Sep 15, 2020   #3
Hi @JPM21

I think you use too many quotes for the beginning of your personal statement. I think instead of writing a bunch of quotes, it is better for you to share your vision and the main reason why you choosing that programme.

Another thing that you have to change is, this is a formal essay so please do not use a word abbreviation word like etc.

"Behind my good personality, I ... when doing something." From my point of view, I do not think that this statement is appropriate enough to be written in your personal statement.

Another thing that you have to revise is your closing statement, that closing statement is really weak so please expand it and clearly stating the conclusion why they have to choose you and why you are worth to be chosen.

Good luck! I hope you can get that scholarship.