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'My high standardized test scores' - Small School Scholarship's Importance

PrimeTime309 4 / 11  
Mar 23, 2012   #1
Hello fellow essay writers! Well, the year is winding down fairly quickly for everyone in the academic sphere, including me. After getting accepted to my chosen school, yeah, I am now in the process of writing NUMEROUS scholarship essays in order to bring down its high cost. This particular essay is for a one time scholarship offered at my school. It's not much and I don't have a lot of competition, but every little bit counts. Therefore, I would anyone's brutally honest opinion on this essay; please highlight any grammar mistakes, logical fallacies, or airheaded sentences about this essay, and I will surely review yours. The topic is "Briefly Describe This Scholarship's Importance To You" THANKS AGAIN!

Burris Scholarship Essay
How I can adequately summarize the importance of this one scholarship to my future academic life? Should I brazenly focus on its role in my eternal pursuit of a high-paying career after college graduation? Or should I say that want it because of the honor, recognition, and certain peer envy that come with it? No; I realize I would be lying to myself on both accounts. I cannot say I want the money simply for the unlikely prospect of making more of it in the future, and I certainly do not want it to provide a false sense of superiority over my classmates. Truthfully, I want this scholarship because it will place my family and me that further away from future suffocating debt. To elaborate, both my twin brother and I have each elected to attend prestigious private colleges, both with an exorbitant price tag attached to their illustrious reputations. Though our schools have been generous with certain financial aid packages, they have still left our parents with a hefty family contribution to pay; since college tuition appears to be going in no further direction but up, I fear that these college costs shall prove to be overwhelming for parents in even the most optimistic financial scenario. Throughout my short, uneventful life, my parents have always been my sole source of support in my pursuit of academic excellence. My high standardized test scores and my numerous extracurriculars did not get me into my dream school Vanderbilt University; their unwavering kindness and support are the true reasons for my acceptance. I realize that I can never repay my parents for their immeasurable acts of kindness, so I shall instead try fervently to keep them out of debt acquired from sending both my brother and me to our dream schools. This is the true reason for this scholarship's importance to me. I want it not for the honor, the sense of superiority, or even the financial security I can gain from it; I simply want it for my family.

chalumeau /  
Mar 28, 2012   #2
I read that the scholarship is for study abroad students. That means you have to tie in studying abroad in the essay. If you wish to talk about your family, then bring up your family roots. Where are your ancestors from? What would you like to say to them?

If I'm wrong about the scholarship, then please ignore my advice. The Noah Burris Memorial Scholarship is listed as $3500 for students who participate in the IFSA-Butler Australia program in a document entitled, "Scholarship Opportunities for Vanderbilt Study Abroad Students/ Provider Scholarships."

I smiled when I read your essay. You were very honest that Vandy is very expensive and you need financial assistance. However, I would advise you to be honest and creative at the same time. What do you wish to study?

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