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Highlight what you believe to be the most important issue facing your country today

harveysui2 4 / 6 3  
Nov 23, 2016   #1
Highlight what you believe to be the most important issue facing your country today (for example, economic, education, healthcare, social or public policy) and articulate how achieving a Bachelor's degree from the University of Toronto, through the MasterCard Foundation Scholars Program, will empower you to tackle this issue and related challenges, in your home country.

One day my brother and I were counting how many things we use daily were made in our own country. Surprisingly, above 75% of the equipment were made in foreign countries like China. This had always concerned me a lot since then. Moreover from the industry tours I had, I observed that even the factories were also highly dependent of foreign raw materials and fuels. I remember the time my class were visiting a bottling factory, the guide said "this is where the plastic pellets are prepared for molding" showing us a 5 meter tall cylindrical tanker and then "this is where the pellets are molded to the shape the customer ordered." I asked the guide where the pellets are made, and he replied me "they are imported from other countries." It shocked me to see such huge factories are dependent on imports.

Import dependency is a big problem that will leave a country to be influenced by exporters in social, economic and political aspects. In this era of globalization, one country need to have a balanced sheet for what it exports and imports. I see the things around me and asked myself "Why don't we manufacture these things? Don't we have the raw materials? What are we missing?" and I came to understand that we don't have enough skilled engineers to research, design and develop industrial plants from scratch to use our own natural resource. Ethiopia needs engineers that can fill these gaps. I want to connect the dots - the intact natural resource in the farm to better and cheaper products in customer's hand. This will be possible only if I pack myself up with the required knowledge and vast practical skills.

Profound awareness of chemical processes, proficient researching techniques, internships in the real world industries, skills of designing and developing industries and leadership of creative entrepreneurial startups are the elements what I am looking for when pursuing chemical engineering in U of T. I strongly believe I will gather these and more in the four year period from brilliant professors and rigorous, diverse and world-class academic arena of your university. Having those crucial foundations, I will research the natural resources we have, develop business proposals for investment and then build factories. I hope it will highly reduce my country's import dependency and prosper the lives of thousands.

yurikeyuri 43 / 61 2  
Nov 23, 2016   #2
Hello, let me give my correction for you

highly dependent ofon foreign (the right preposition after dependent is "on")

my class werewas visiting (because the subject "my class" is singular, so you must use the singular verb too)

one country needneeds(because the subject "one country" is singular, so the verb "needs" must singular too)

thank you
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Nov 23, 2016   #3
Hi Tad, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, it's an absolutely wonderful sight to welcome yet another member of this ever growing family, here at EF, we strive to provide you with the most comprehensive remark that will definitely enhance your essay and more importantly, we give you feedback that will develop your skills in writing.

Having said that, as I go through your essay, I must say you have answered the prompt with the right amount of information that did not only create a logical idea and reasoning, but also backed up your belief that being dependent to imported goods is one problem or issue that the country needs to focus if not to resolve as soon as possible.

Moreover, the sentences that you constructed are straight to the topic, most of the time, when the writer is engrossed with the topic that they're writing about, they tend to go so far from the idea and talk about a lot of different topics that affects the overall sense of the article.However, for future writing reference,mind the minor additions to your sentences such as the punctuation marks, as you seem to forget to include them.

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