Ok so this is my essay about my participation in the Hispanic Youth Symposium.
Describe your participation in extracurricular activities.
What have you learned from your experience(s)?
Please answer this essay question (400 to 600 words).
One of the most memorable activities I've been involved in is my continuing participation in the Hispanic Youth Institute, first as a student and later as an alumna. As a student the program allowed me to meet many Hispanic teens from all over Virginia, Maryland, and even some students from Michigan. With the program's emphasis on how important it is to pursue a career, I was able to learn multiple ways of how to get closer to those dreams, network with successful professionals, and acquire valuable resources for my future. Not only did it reinforce the importance of college, but it also strengthened a special bond, that we could all feel for one another. We began as complete strangers who were used to putting up walls and obstacles to keep everyone out, but by the end of the program we were all one big family who shared the same dream to not be just another statistic. As the summer reached its last weeks and with the new school year being around the corner, I found myself more motivated than I had ever been to stay focused on school and to spread the word about how hard work and perseverance can make any goal an achievable one. After that wonderful experience I was more than willing to go back and lend a helping hand the following summer as an alumna.
As an alumna volunteer all I wanted to do was give back to the program that meant so much to me and to the community, I knew needed as much help as I once did. I knew how it was to lose sight of what is truly important so I recognized that I had to help make a difference in the student's lives. It took long hours from early mornings to late nights, several cross campus walks, and various errands under 90 degree heat, but I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. As each day passed I witnessed students open up and begin to build the powerful connection with the program that brought me back. On the last day of the program all the students simply couldn't stop mentioning how much they had learned, how much they loved being part of the program, but most important of all how much their mind had opened up to the importance and the real possibility of college. It was then that I realized that all the hard work was more than worth it to see how the students opened their eyes to a great future. Being part of the "behind-the-scenes" of the program for the first time also opened up a new door for me; it established my desire to continue encouraging my fellow teens to not give up on their future and to keep on helping them down the road, even if we're both learning at the same time.
Hi thanks again for helping with my essay juz now. Generally ur essay is okay, I can see what u want to tell the readers. But I think it's not detailed enough. Maybe if u add some descriptions here and there, the readers will be able to feel better why u liked the program and felt happy coming back as an alumna. U have less than 500 words now so it should be okay to add some more.
Some other minor details:
"my continuous participation"
"As a student the program allowed me to meet..." - 'as a...' phrase describes the subject, which is 'the program'. I think u may need to rearrange this sentence.
"a special bond, that we could all feel..." - there should be no comma here.
"new school year being around the corner"
"all I wanted to do was to give back"
"to the community, I knew needed" - no comma here either.
"I knew how it was like to lose sight of what was truly important..."
"students' lives"
"early morning to late night" - this is just to describe the duration, u don't need the plural form.
"90 degree" - woa I got shocked cuz I'm used to using degree Celcius. Oh never mind this, it's just a side note hehe.
All the best for ur app! :)
The essay is just okay; there's probably a lot of others that are very similar. Please read my NYU one. Thanks! :D
This is a good essay and an inspiring story, but you need to ground it a little bit more in specific examples - moments or people during your time at the program and as a counselor you think are important (maybe give an example of a successful professional you inspired you) to avoid cliché. If at all possible show things instead of telling them. Don't say "my perspective changed" give an example of how you are a changed person. Also, try to spice up your sentences to keep the reader interested - when you describe the program as "one of the most memorable activities I've even been involved in" its wordy, you don't sound too excited, and so neither am I. I would suggest something short and pithy like "Program X changed my life." You want to bring the reader in, make them interested and invested in your story. Hope this helps!
I think if you can fit it in the character limit, you should try to add in quickly, what exactly an alumna is. I was a little confused when you said you could give back to the program, but i eventually assumed it was some sort of counselor or organizer position? but if you elaborated on that a bit when you talk about preparing to be an alumna, that would make it easier to understand. Otherwise, very good.
I agree with the above poster. Simply add more about what you did exactly, and the response will be good. I felt you were a little vague there.
Also do not use contractions, those really hurt your essay. Furthermore, like the previous have already stated, talk a bit more about yourself. Also try to show what you did using descriptive language not just listing. Other than that, it seems like a good essay.
