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UW Honors/ Good citizenship comes from good scholarship


tobeJames 3 / 11  
Nov 14, 2009   #1
Good citizenship comes from good scholarship." What does this statement mean to you?

The statement reflects the belief that the more knowledgeable a person is about their surroundings and the society they belong to, the greater constructive impact they will have on these spheres of life. Politics in America, or "who gets what, when and how," is perhaps the most appropriate example of such a concept. If one does not fully understand the depths of the system that provides a foundation for the democratic culture they exist in, the chances of them furnishing any significant or positive influence towards this culture is limited. Voting for the candidates that could potentially run their society, to some citizens, is a civic duty. They believe they have some responsibility in contributing to the system they belong to, which could also dictate many parts of their ways of life. Political efficacy, this very belief in government and one's capability to affect its function, is a consequential step in attaining the understanding required to produce a personal and beneficial impact. On the other hand, a comprehension of the fact that you voting for a particular issue or candidate will ultimately assist or contribute to its cause, is arguably an elementary step to good citizenship. Knowledge and education initiate the mind to think and establish awareness, morality and ethics. One's utilization of these acquired attributes to make reasoned decisions is far more crucial than undertaking a commitment for example, to pick up trash in your neighborhood because it is merely unsightly. Thus, a well-founded rationale behind a personal action, developed from a firm understanding of society, its intricacies, and how this action will affect yourself and primarily others, defines "good citizenship."

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EF
mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Nov 14, 2009   #2
Overall, you've done a good job answering the prompt. The one thing that struck me was how much your essay sounds like a text book; in fact, I recognized several key terms from my AP gov book (;. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, espeically since your argument is really interesting and fitting, but you could add more voice to your writing.

Another thing: you tend to use lengthy sentences with lots of adjectives and words in which the reader could get a bit lost. For example:

"The statement reflects the intended message that the more knowledgeable a person has about his/her surroundings and the society they belong to, the greater constructive impact they will have on these same spheres of life." -> This statement reflects the belief that the more knowledgeable a person is about his/her surroundings, the greater a constructive impact he/she will have on society.

Basically, play around with sentence structure so it's not just long line after long line.
OP tobeJames 3 / 11  
Nov 14, 2009   #3
Thank you! Your feedback is greatly appreciated... My main concern now, other than reflection on your comments, is if I'm missing some sort of conclusion. Should I take a clear stance on the quote or do you think what I've written is enough?

Peace
glorfs 1 / 10  
Nov 15, 2009   #4
"The statement reflects the intended message that the more knowledgeable [knowledge? ] a person has about his/her surroundings and the society theyhe/she belongs to, the greater constructive impact theyhe/she will have on these same spheres of life."

You should either stick to he/she or they throughout.
mle2010 7 / 38  
Nov 15, 2009   #5
You answer the prompt amazingly. but I do agree with the first comment. Try some more sentence variation. Also, colleges want to get to know more about you, so along with you amazing vocabulary, maybe you can make your response a little more personal. You use the word "you" a lot, and they might feel like you response is a little impersonal.
lahariv 1 / 12  
Nov 15, 2009   #6
Nice analysis!
But, perhaps you can create a more interesting first sentece. If one does not fully understand the depths of the system that provides aCan be removed to make the essay more concise foundation for the democratic culture they exist in, the chances of them furnishingChoose a different word... any significant or positive influence towards this culture is limited. On the other hand, a comprehension of the fact that you votingcomprehending/understanding that your vote for a particular issue or candidate will ultimately assist or contribute to its cause, is an arguably elementary step to good citizenship. Knowledge and education initiate the mind to think and establish awareness, morality, and ethics. One's utilization of these acquired attributes to make reasoned decisions is far more crucial than undertaking a commitment; for example, to pick up trash in your neighborhood because it is merely unsightly.

Everything else was really good - especially your concluding sentence. :-)
I would really appreciate it if you could critique my 7 year med. essay. Thank you!


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