My name is Anna and I am pursuing scholarship from Australia (AAS). This is a statement support I need to turn in to apply the scholarship.The limit character is 2000 chars. Right now my essay has 2200-ish chars so I hope I can shorten it with your advice. Please help me and thank you in advance!
Human Resource Management
XXX is a vocational education institution under Ministry of xxx. XXX has been going through an organisational transformation in 2015 and it cause a huge challenge especially in the human resource department.
One of the challenge is communication and collaboration between divisions and it leads to a serious consequence. There are numerous misunderstandings, prejudice between one division to another, and miscommunication which cost us not only immaterial but also material loss. This problems has been occured repeatedly but there are minor efforts from the institution to fix them. This condition has encouraged me to pursue a master degree in human resource management with two choice of universities.
My first choice is University of Sydney which offers Master of Human Resource Management and Industrial Relations. University of Sydney known to be in the 1% top universities in the world and it sure translates to high quality learning experience. They offers a comprehensive courses that cater my needs. One of the study unit is Managing Communication in Organisations. This unit will be essential to help me understand the theoretical and practical knowledge of communication at organisational and individual level which I will apply to my institution. Another unit of study that are relevant is Organisational Change and Development, which will be very useful to help my institution undergo the transformation.
On the other hand, University of Western Australia (UWA) also offers Master of Human Resource Management and Employee Relations. Different from University of Sydney, one course that UWA has on the list is People Analytic, which would help me to analyze complex human resource data sets and translate it into a presentable data for higher and middle management to help them make an improved decision about policy in human resource department.
Furthermore, I have visited the campus of UWA and it has great learning environment for students. I have talked to some of the alumni and they gave really good testimonies about the program. The lecturers are always encouraging students to learn and the theories are applicable to their workplace. This has influenced me to make it my second choice of university.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,519 3442
You can lessen the word count by removing your closing paragraph. This is a statement response, not an essay so you only need a maximum of 3 paragraphs to address the question. Do not discuss the changes in the organization you are working at within this essay. Save that for the "How will these studies affect your career" statement response. For this essay, you should only focus on the course and the university discussion. You can retain the opening paragraph as it will help establish your weaknesses as an employee that requires additional skills training under a masters course. That opening paragraph however, needs to be further developed to make it more effective and useful to your application statement.
Do not include information about the ranking of the university. That does not mean anything to the reviewer and it does not reflect any academic or professional goal on your part. Avoid using word fillers such as "On the other hand". It is a useless phrase that only takes up character count.
You are not ordering from a restaurant so there is no need to refer to the classes as "catering to my needs". You did not specify the needs in the first part of the statement so the reviewer has no idea what you are talking about. You should not discuss the needs of your office in general terms. Rather, think of your own shortcomings as an employee that contributes to the problem. After you figure that out, you should have at least 2 shortcomings to refer to (one per university), then you will be able to explain the "needs" you have for the study at each university. It should look something like this:
I chose to study at... due to my difficulty in communicating with teams of people. I have discovered that my inability to... will be addressed by the course... that will allow me to... This is aside from the other courses that will also address...
Another problem I have is my inability to... This particular problem will be the focus of the course... at the university... Aside from developing my other skills, the course in... will specifically target the development of my ... which is the primary cause of my ... problem.
Properly formatting the paper, removing irrelevant sections, and shortening your response to be more relevant to the questions asked will help you come in under the word count.
Thank you so much for the quick response, Holt. You're a big help! I will revise my statement.