Hello. This is a scholarship application essay. Any comments welcome. Thanks in advance.
On Hypocrisy
I sit on a man's back, choking him, and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by any means possible, except getting off his back.
Writings on Civil Disobedience and Nonviolence (1886)
Leo Tolstoy
Hypocrisy - an ailment of contemporary people. We are always trying to make an impression of goodness whereas our intentions are unclear and purposes dishonest. Thus speak many moralists whose inferences may be a little exaggerated, but not completely untrue. Where are those days of bandits mugging stagecoaches on roads, saying: "Hands up," with a plain purpose of stealing your money? They evaporated as the times are changing, leaving us an entirely diverse kind of villains which is harder to recognise and therefore by far more dangerous. You can see them every day without any knowledge of their viciousness. Finally, who would guess that a decently looking clerk works as a computer hacker and violates people's privacy instead of earning by doing a legal job? Nowadays, a long beard is not an attribute of villains anymore.
Furthermore, one group of bandits thrives these days tremendously. Media have ascribed them a designation 'controversial entrepreneurs'. The funny thing about this collocation is that everyone knows what it means; it serves as a synonym for the word thief. Thieves like these are elegant people, usually with great rhetorical abilities; persuasive and engaging which is the reason why so many people believe them and do not hesitate to entrust their money to such manipulators. Moreover these villains are intelligent enough to participate in political elections and to win a public authority, consequently. We should be aware of ingenious villains, because being bad represents a lucrative business for them.
On the contrary, lots people are hypocritical merely for the social conventions' demands. They allow the rules to master them, oppress them; to control every second of their life. They don't want to seem bad, so they are striving to make friends with everyone, even if they detest him, just because it is normal. In my view, this is the most stupid form of hypocrisy that has ever existed, although it has some benefits in a way people see you. But is it worth being someone else? Not for me.
In conclusion, I would like to express my deepest contempt for hypocrisy as a means of sustaining kind relations. On the other hand, I cannot condemn it as a tactics designed to deceive people, because it works beyond every doubt. This does not imply my approval of malicious techniques, I am just pointing up that hypocrisy need not be only a constraint, but can be availed in an artful manner, too. Provided hypocrisy hides real people's feelings it often causes misunderstandings. Then paradoxically, a simplifying tool becomes a burden worsening mutual relations by its perplexity. Can a give you a piece of advice? If you have an option, avoid hypocrisy and everything will be much easier.
The first paragraph is not entirely "correct" grammatically but is very well stated nonetheless.
On the contrary, lots people are hypocritical merely for the social conventions' demands. They allow the rules to master them, oppress them; to control every second of their life. They don't want to seem bad, so they are striving to make friends with everyone, even if they detest him, just because it is normal. In my view, this is the most stupid form of hypocrisy that has ever existed, although it has some benefits in a way people see you. But is it worth being someone else? Not for me...I have to say, this is BRILLIANT.
I think this is excellent. As I said, the grammar is a bit choppy in spots but your English in general is impressive. Structurally, it flows nicely and all in all it is very well put together. Great job and good luck.
:)
