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Identify your most significant contribution a community you belong to


_dariona_lewis_ 1 / 2  
May 19, 2011   #1
I have to write three essays for a scholarship from IUB. Here is the instruction for the second essay.
Indiana University students contribute in many ways to what has long been recognized as a rich community of diverse ideas, cultures, and experiences. Identify your most significant contribution to one or more of the communities to which you belong. (Communities, for example, can form around shared experiences in music, sports, the arts, culture, ethnicity, shared beliefs, or ideas.) Describe your level of achievement or involvement and reflect on your most important contributions. Briefly describe how these experiences have influenced you. (200-400 words)

Lew Wallace high school grades 7th-12th can be viewed by some people as a non productive school, meaning that the school does not produce many students that want to receive a post secondary education. I unfortunately would have to agree with those people, every day I hear about a fight, the newest kid stealing drugs, or that girl who just got pregnant for the third time. It ridiculous and I feel sorry for them that no cares anymore, or that the teacher's just gets rid of them with a passing grade of a D, just for the students won't be their problem anymore.

When I first started high school, the 2011 class had 280 students the largest class in a few years, but as the years progressed the numbers dropped dramatically. Now towards the time for are graduation, the schools predict we will only have a graduating class of a 100 or less. So I decided to promote the benefits of a post secondary education to the underclassmen and the middle school students. I have accomplished this by encouraging them to focus more on their grades, to always ask for help if they do not understand a subject being taught and to sit down with their guidance counselors to make sure they are on track to graduate. I also advise them to take advantages of the opportunities in front of them for example like the college tour that is offered by our school community, or scholarships opportunities only for our school community.

The achievement of the program was very good, I was able to get majority of the kids to think about taking the SATS and at least go to a community college instead of doing nothing. The level of achievement on a personal base was also great. This whole experience has given me insight on the power and significance of giving back to my community. I finally understand how a single individual or a group of individuals can have the power to affect people's life.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
May 21, 2011   #2
Please be sure you follow these two prompt: Identify your most significant contribution to one or more of the communities to which you belong.
You list several examples but I did not get a clear idea of your MOST SIGNIFICANT contribution. It's helpful to highlight one and elaborate further on what exactly you did that was significant.

Describe your level of achievement or involvement and reflect on your most important contributions.
I did not see any of this (it logically follows from the previous prompt and IMHO is the crucial "meat" of this essay!!)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 21, 2011   #3
As a senior and captain of the girl's track & field: shot put & discus team, I promoted the benefits of a post secondary education to the underclassmen and the middle school students I had access to that were on the team. I have accomplished this by encouraging them to focus more on their grades, to always ask for help if they do not understand a subject

This part is not convincing. It sounds like something someone would make up if they wanted to exaggerate. I do like the intro, but I think you should replace this part with some explanation about the idea that initially motivated you to be proactive about seeking positive educational outcomes for the younger kids.

Use "apostrophe s"
power to affect a person's life.

:-)

I think the claims you make here, about what you learned and why you made this contribution, should be more specific and detailed. The specific examples do not have to be mindblowing, but they should show the reader your way of thinking.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 24, 2011   #4
nonproductive --One word

Did you meant to write stealing drugs?

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
It ridiculous, and...

I think at the end of the first paragraph you should give a sentence that expresses the main idea you want the reader to remember. :-)


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