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Impact Essay (significant experience, achievement, risk)


bizkitgirlzc 29 / 2  
Sep 30, 2007   #1
Hi, this my essay for a scholarship the essay prompt is the following:

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit) *

Can someone help me revise it grammatically or how I can answer the question better?

Thanks a bunch for correcting my other writings, I know I've been terribly annoying today with my essays.
____________________________________________________________ _______________

"Look, mi hija," said an aged woman to the little who watched me intently as I stirred chemicals in a vial. "See, you should be like that, too. I bet she's very smart." I smiled nervously at the elderly woman and said, "Muchas gracias, SeĊ„ora." The woman's eyes widened proportionally as she said to me incredulously, "And she's Hispanic too!"

I was in eighth grade, in a minority dominated junior high school, when I won over all first place winner of my middle school Science Fair. To say I felt completely and incandescently happy would be an understatement. The joy I felt was ineffable. I felt like I had won the Miss Universe award, just better because I was actually smart. Truth be told, that, I feel, has been my greatest achievement. I've won other awards throughout high school and I've been invited to become a member of honor societies as well, but I never felt so good about myself than when I won that science fair.

That day and that achievement will remain in my heart always for a reason that, inexplicably, has nothing to do with winning. The surprise in that woman's eyes that day made me reflect on my racial ethnicity and how we were looked at from the rest of the world's perspective when it came to the academics. The look I had received that day from that little old lady said some thing loud and clear to me: "How could you be Hispanic and smart?"

As painful as that realization was, it was the truth. I had realized that, aside from that woman, many people here in America, didn't take Hispanics seriously. Sure, there was financial aid available for Latinos, there were educational opportunities for Hispanics along with other innumerable resources for our ethnicity but in the end, deep inside the majority, I knew that we weren't expected to get very far. And the worst part was that, like that lady, our own people didn't take themselves seriously.

Because, it wasn't the first time that someone had looked at me or my kinfolk in disbelief at showing well-roundedness or academic potential. The negative Hispanic stereotype was so imprinted into people's minds that it was hard to conceive the notion of one of us "breaking the mold." When I won the science fair, I felt pride. I loved science, I loved learning, and most importantly, I loved being who I was - what I represented. I had stood up for Latinos that day. I had proved that we Hispanics could be good at subjects like science that not all of us worked as gardeners or day laborers. We were just as intelligent with the same potential as any other race.

That old lady with her disbelieving eyes impacted me more that day than the award I was given. That day I decided I wanted to follow science, where ever it led me. I will forever thank that woman and her disbelief; the disbelief that encouraged my belief.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 1, 2007   #2
Greetings!

Annoying? No way! That's why we're here! Your excellent essay needs very little work; just a few suggestions:

when I won overall first place

Because, it wasn't the first time that someone had looked at me or my kinfolk in disbelief at showing well-roundedness or academic potential. - I'd delete "Because" and just start with "It." Otherwise, it appears to be a sentence fragment.

That day I decided I wanted to follow science, wherever it led me. I will forever thank that woman and her disbelief; the disbelief that encouraged my belief. - this might sound even better if you say "my belief in myself."

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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