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My initial character building began in fifth grade ; SCHOLASHIP


alianddrew2 1 / -  
Sep 5, 2013   #1
Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?

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This is my first rough draft.

I need to have under 800 words. I currently have 881. Any suggestions ?

Please point out any grammatical errors, unclear areas, or any general critiques.

Thanks !!!

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My initial character building began in fifth grade when my father chose to start a drastic landscape improvement project. Of course, he needed aid, and so I was the first person he asked for. I went outside fueled by the idea of being payed for "how hard I worked." The combination of the financial incentive along with the opportunity to make my dad proud sparked a focused desire to do my very best when I worked for him. The projects kept coming, but the money did not. I found myself dreading every time my Father wanted to work outside, knowing my assistance would be asked. I spent the majority of my weekends in middle school working outside from dusk till dawn. I despised every moment of it. It wasn't until I was in High School, and the working had decreased, that I realized the man my Father had shaped me into. I was worked like a dog, but after watching and analyzing the way my friends handled situations and worked, I was hit with a reality of understanding and appreciation for what I had once thought was my Father's cruelty. My work ethic was unlike anyone around me, and I knew it was due to the way my father had grown me. After this realization, I took the determination and hard work ethic that I had learned and applied it to all areas of my life: Physically, academically, mentally, and spiritually. My constant determination and drive for the development of my academic, physical, and spiritual growth have allowed me to become a leader and a virtuoso in a wide range of activities.

Over the past 3 years at Suncoast High School I have continuously proved my determination for academic excellence. Increasing the difficulty of my classes while raising my grades each year has proved to be a challenging, yet accomplishable task. I have received awards in many areas of study from science, to language arts, to even mechanical engineering. I have a deep desire for knowledge and strive to perform my best in every subject and class.

Aside from my academic life, I surround myself in physical activities to keep my body fit, functional, and to push the limits of my physical and mental capabilities. I am currently captain of the Varsity wrestling team at our school. I picked up wrestling rather quickly after perviously training other martial arts for 9 years, and achieving first degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Another passion of mine is parkour. Parkour is a discipline in which practitioners learn to overcome obstacles (both physically and mentally). Common moves consist of vaults, precision jumping, and landing safely from high drops. Parkour has strengthened me physically and allowed me to do things I couldn't have dreamed of doing when I first began training. Among other things, parkour has taught me to accept whats in front of me, and make the most out of it despite the circumstances. Through parkour, I have learned that I don't have control of the future, and I only have control of the present moment. When you're living in the moment is when you can do remarkable things that other people can't understand. I have been practicing parkour for four years now and I am currently the Palm Beach County Representative for Florida Parkour. I organize and help grow local communities by teaching groups, and setting up workshops and "Jams" all along Florida where individuals can come to learn functional fitness and parkour. I used my knowledge to land me a job at Keep Flippin' Gymnastics where I coach parkour & freerunning, as well as gymnastics.

When I look back ten years from now, I want to see the difference I've made in the lives of others and the people around me. At the beginning of my freshman year in high school, I took a trip to Casa Shalom, an orphanage in Guatemala, where I laid the foundation for a chapel and cared for the children there. The stories they told were heartbreaking and spine trembling. The amount of tragedy that had struck these kids at such a young age was devastating. My team and I went out into the city and volunteered at a feeding center where we witnessed more of the same heartbreak. It was then that I realized how isolated I was from the rest of the world. It was almost disgusting how luxuriously I was living compared to the poverty of these people. Yet amongst all the children at the feeding center, and all the orphans I grew to know and love, there was still hope and happiness. Joy filled them each day that they were given another opportunity on this Earth. This inspired me and gave me a desire to help and love people like them, and appreciate every moment and opportunity I'm blessed with. I felt empty arriving back in the US knowing part of my heart was left there. I returned again this past summer and I am now sponsoring two young boys from the orphanage. I began working on a film project to raise awareness and funds for the children living there. I know that I can't change the world all at once, but I pray, with each little step, I am making a difference.
lovetoplayball 1 / 1  
Sep 14, 2013   #2
alianddrew2
My initial character building began in fifth grade when my father chose to start a drastic landscape improvement project. Of course, He needed aid, and so I was the first person he asked for. I went outside fueled by the idea of being paid for "how hard I worked." The combination of the financial incentive along with the opportunity to make my dad proud sparked a focused desire to do my very best when I worked for him. The projects kept coming, but the money did not. I found myself dreading every time my Father wanted to work outside, knowing my assistance would be asked . I spent the majority of my weekends in middle school working outside from dusk till dawn. I despised every moment of it. It wasn't until I was in High School, and the working had decreased. I realized the man my Father had shaped me intomy father was shaping me into someone money couldn't buy. I was worked like a dog, but after watching and analyzing the way my friends handled situations and worked, I was hit with a reality of understanding and appreciation for what I had once thought was my Father's cruelty. My work ethic was unlike anyone around meunparalleled , and I knew it was due to the way my father had grownraised me. After this realization, I took the determination and hard work ethic that I had learned and applied it to all areas of my life: Physically, academically, mentally, and spiritually. My constant determination and drive for the development of my academic, physical, and spiritual growth have allowed me to become a leader and a virtuoso in a wide range of activities.

Over the past 3 years at Suncoast High School I have continuously proved my determination for academic excellence. Increasing the difficulty of my classes while raising my grades each year has proved to be a challenging, yet accomplishable task. I have received awards in many areas of study from science, to language arts, to even mechanical engineering. I have a deep desire for knowledge and strive to perform my best in every subject and class.

Aside from my academic life, I surround myself in physical activities to keep my body fit, functional, and to push the limits of my physical and mental capabilities. I am currently captain of the Varsity wrestling team at our school. I picked up wrestling rather quickly after previously training other martial arts for 9 years, and achieving first degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Another passion of mine is parkour. Parkour is a discipline in which practitioners learn to overcome obstacles (both physically and mentally). Common moves consist of vaults, precision jumping, and landing safely from high drops. Parkour has strengthened me physically and allowed me to do things I couldn't have dreamed of doing when I first began training. Among other things, parkour has taught me to accept whats in front of me, and make the most out of it despite the circumstances. Through parkour, I have learned that I don't have control of the future, and I only have control of the present moment. When you're living in the moment is when you can do remarkable things that other people can't understand. I have been practicing parkour for four years now and I am currently the Palm Beach County Representative for Florida Parkour. I organize and help grow local communities by teaching groups, and setting up workshops and "Jams" all along Florida where individuals can come to learn functional fitness and parkour. I used my knowledge to land me a job at Keep Flippin' Gymnastics where I coach parkour & freerunning, as well as gymnastics.

When I look back ten years from now, I want to see the difference I've made in the lives of others and the people around me. At the beginning of my freshman year in high school, I took a trip to Casa Shalom, an orphanage in Guatemala, where I laid the foundation for a chapel and cared for the children there. The stories they told were heartbreaking and spine trembling. The amount of tragedy that had struck these kids at such a young age was devastating. My team and I went out into the city and volunteered at a feeding center where we witnessed more of the same heartbreak. It was then that I realized how isolated I was from the rest of the world. It was almost disgusting how luxuriously I was living compared to the poverty of these people. Yet amongst all the children at the feeding center, and all the orphans I grew to know and love, there was still hope and happiness. Joy filled them each day that they were given another opportunity on this Earth. This inspired me and gave me a desire to help and love people like them, and appreciate every moment and opportunity I'm blessed with. I felt empty arriving back in the US knowing part of my heart was left there. I returned again this past summer and I am now sponsoring two young boys from the orphanage. I began working on a film project to raise awareness and funds for the children living there. I know that I can't change the world all at once, but I pray, with each little step, I am making a difference.

-Replaced some words that were misspelled in red.
-Made revisions to work towards the goal of an 800 word limit.
-Made some suggestions with green.
- Good job!
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Sep 26, 2013   #3
Of course, he needed aid, and so I was the first person he asked for.

Of course he needed help and I was the first person he could turned to.

I went outside fueled by the idea of being payed for "how hard I worked."

.... here your idea does not flow well.... I wish you rephrased this to convey it clearer.

The combination of the financial incentive along with the opportunity to make my dad proud sparked a focused desire to do my very best when I worked for him.

The combination of both financial reward and the opportunity to make my dad proud set my focus to do my very best in the tasks I am assigned to.

I was worked like a dog, but after watching and analyzing the way my friends handled situations and worked, I was hit with a reality of understanding and appreciation for what I had once thought was my Father's cruelty.

I was asked to work like a bull, but it helped me mature faster than my age. I handled situations with ease when my friends struggled with buried heads. Then I began to appreciate what I once had though my father's cruelty.


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