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'I am really interested in this program' - Statement for Korean Government Scholarship Program 2017

yolastarie 1 / -  
Aug 29, 2016   #1
Hello, i'm planning to apply for KGSP 2017. I wrote down the personal statement based on KGSP 2016 instructions:

Since English isn't my first language please kindly help me to correct anything below and give me some advices. (And also please tell me if it's too long) Thank you!

- Y.A

I really interested with this program since I first found about this program on my 2nd grade of high school. This program really encourage me to have a better knowledge, quality of education and learn more about South Korea's culture because it's a great opportunity to learn new things and also to meet new people from another part of the world. And since I've known some about Korean culture, it makes me really want to know deeper about it and its educational system which is well-known to be one of the best in the world. I also know some previous grantees of KGSP from Indonesia who like to share their experiences during this program. Their stories really inspire me to get this scholarship even more because this program really help us to experience new things, improve our abilities and open up our mind to be a better person. On the other side, I also want to help my parents, so I can reduce their expense for my study and make them proud of me by getting this scholarship since my parents also want me to continue my study abroad to learn new things.

I experienced to work as an owner of an online-based shop with my two friends, our store is called as 'Ladella Store'. I really want to help my parents by earning my own money by doing this small business. I sold some watch and beauty products. Even sometimes I asked for help from my parents or friends, I really felt the effort on my business and I was satisfied with myself. I also ever experienced some loss on this business but this experiences really help me to be more careful and focused on my business. By this business, it really helps me to learn business directly by myself, learned to manage my money independently to save more money and spend it wisely because I know how my parents feel to earn money, it is very hard.

I raised in a middle class family in Cikampek, a small district on West Java for 17 years. My father is an entrepreneur, my mom is a housewife, my older brother is currently majoring Architecture, and my little sister is currently attending elementary school. My father is one of my inspiration, he is majored in electronics, he is smart, independent, funny, creative, wise, and patient. He is really great in a lot of things, such as drawing, fixing little or even big things, creative on making alternatives on a lot of things, or even on teaching school subjects. My family taught me to be always responsible on every school tasks and exams since my elementary year. It really helps me to always do them well and not leaving them behind when I'm too lazy or don't understand about the lessons. My family didn't push me too hard on my study, but because they taught me like that, it makes me more relax to do every task and enjoy everytime I'm doing my tasks.

I've been attending private schools for my entire life. On my middle school, I entered to a private school which is located 30 kilometers away from my house which made me need to wake up earlier than my friends, spent more time on my way to school and also when coming back to home. I've been attending that school for my whole middle school until high school year. It was tiring, there were times when I want to move to another school which is closer to my home. But as time goes by, I learned a lot of things from it. I've achieved good grades since my elementary grades, I always ranked top 3 among my classmates for the whole 6 years. Until I moved to my middle school, it was hard because I was on a new environment and habit, I met a lot of people from different schools and I was really tired because I spent a lot of times on my way to school and also when going back home.

My rank fell down to 11th when I first entered middle school, but since my family taught me not to think too much about ranks, I chose to think about my fault in this case. Fortunately, on my 8th grade, my rank started to rise again. I went from top 10, then top 5, and lastly top 3 on my last year in high school. I didn't directly jumped from 11th to 3rd rank, but by improving step by step like this, I know that if I want to achieve something, I need to work hard, keep learning and never give up easily when facing problems. Since then, I never really wish to achieve something easily without putting any effort first on them, because everything will be paid off in the end. I learned to manage my time better because of the distance between my school and my house, I learned to wake up earlier, not to depend on my parents too much, to be more independent on doing a lot of activities, such as going home by myself when it's late already after doing group projects, to be more responsible of myself and the other person, and to take care of myself better.

I joined Graphic Design extracurricular on my whole middle school year since I've been interested in design since back then. My father introduce me to drawing since I was a little. His drawings inspire me to draw well like him and also another great people out there, until I feel that design is my passion. My teachers taught me basic things such as how to make an simple animation, digital drawing, editing and many more. This extracurricular really inspired me and taught me many things. I learned basic things from this extracurricular and so then I could improve it by myself and learn some drawing and design program by myself from books, Internet, friends, courses or even from my father. It also inspire me how fun and great design is which still stay in my mind until now, I want continue to inspire more people by doing and sharing about design. I also ever joined in futuristic-themed Graphic Design Competition even I only learned basic things back then, because I believe when I tried to compete with other people, I'll be more challenged to be better in designing even if I haven't got a chance to win, at least I can learn and be brave to try a new things by participating on the competition.

During my high school, we don't have Graphic Design extracurricular anymore, so I have to choose another club. On my first grade of high school, I joined scout club which is really fun, I learned how to live independently, or how to survive by learned how to cook, playing group games, showing and improving talents, until experiencing to slept on the floor in the cold days.

On my 2nd grade, I joined as the committee of the scout camp which was held by my school, helping teachers and school events with my fellow student council members aside from class activities. When I joined as one of the committee of a scout camp, from this small event, I learned big things such as leadership, solidarity, responsibility, appreciating others, time management, and organizing events. I experienced how I should lead and give a good example to my juniors on every sessions, managing every time that has been scheduled by all of the committee, to sacrifice my time for the other person, to appreciate others' works how good or bad it is, keep the solidarity among all of the committee or even to the participants and not to be easily offended by small things. From that small event, I never think it will left a lot of great values on myself to learn more and improving myself to be better day by day.

I mostly volunteering as school's events documentation staff, designed some templates for the student councils needs or even designed some logos for my father's store. I enjoyed doing this because it's one of my interest and I can practice more by doing this on many events for my school or events from outside school. On my 3rd grade, I joined the English Club, I learned about scrabble and debating from my senior, she taught all of us pretty well no matter if we are going to join a competition or not. From this club, I tried to see something from different perspectives, increase my vocabulary, to think before reacting on something, practiced public speaking and to appreciate others' opinion even if we are arguing and of course practiced for my English speaking skill. I also joined Journalism Club, from this club I asked to interact with people in or even outside school environment, be it about school matters or about another topic. I learned to socialize more with people besides of my classmates, which helps me to widen my relations in school.

I experienced one activity which is held by school on my 3rd grade, it's a program called 'Live In'. In this event, I have to live with the locals in a village where we lived for one week. I lived with one roommate during that program, we need to work together with the owner of the house, help them from early morning to the evening, we learned the custom of the locals in that village which is new for us, we join all of their daily activities, learned how to share a room with a friend, stayed away from mobile phones and family, learned how to make salted egg traditionally, even got a chance to learn how to play traditional instruments which is hard to find nowadays. I worked at a small cocoa garden and learn how to harvest them, worked in a small farm to feed its animal, I also enjoyed planting some vegetables in the garden with the kids at that village. Some people might say that it sounds hard, tiring, and boring. But as for me, it was a great opportunity, I never regret for having that experience, I really learned how to live far away from my parents, worked hard all by myself, helping another people and tried my best not to made any fault and also appreciating the hard work of simple and modest people in the village. I also volunteered to take part in helping the people in that village to clean up the local church which was very fun and nice to do together with fellow participants.

In my spare time such as long holiday, I like to acquire new skills such as learning piano be it by myself or by having a course. Because I think it's important to learn something aside from lessons taught in the class. By learning piano I can be more relaxed after doing a lot of tiring things, I also wish that I can improve my piano skill to be a good pianist and share a nice music to another people around me.

On my 1st and 2nd grade of high school, I achieved 4th rank of the class, on the 3rd grade of high school, I achieved 3rd rank of the class and also 3rd rank of school and National exams total scores. During high school, I participated in some competition such as Mathemathic Olympic held by Singaperbangsa Karawang University, scrabble competition in Maranatha Christian University Bandung, Chemistry Fun Days in Padjajaran University, and also as National level top 125 scientific papers in Chemistry Innovation Project Competition Chemistry Fair 2015 held by University of Indonesia.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Aug 29, 2016   #2
Hi Yolanda, welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that you've struggled really hard in composing this essay and therefore, I would like to help you achieving a well-written essay. However, it is unfortunate that you haven't answered the prompt properly yet. Answering the prompt is the most important part that you must achieve in order to pass the selection committee. Focusing on the content first rather than technical details like grammar and punctuation would be beneficial towards your essay development later on. Thus, I'd like to give you some of my insights related to the content in the detailed descriptions below.

Basically, this essay is quite simple. The prompt is pretty clear to the reader. Those are..

- Motivations with which you apply for this program (1st paragraph)
- Personal background in family and education (2nd paragraph)
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you (3rd paragraph)

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences (4th paragraph)
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc. (5th paragraph)

The average words for each paragraph is 180. 180 is multiplied with 5 paragraphs equal to 900 words. See? You can just write 450 words for each page. But, I think that the organization of your essay is really messy. First, you've exceeded the words limit, 2 pages long in A4 format. You have to reduce some paragraphs of the essay. Second, "contractions" should not be used in this type of essay. Contractions only make the essay becomes less formal.

Hope this helps :)

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