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Dennis65 4 / 16  
Aug 4, 2016   #1
Annually ranked in the top forty of the QS rankings, UBC is ranked among the best universities in the world. It is for this and many other reason that I'm very interested in studying at UBC. UBC offer great and quality knowledge to its students and researchers, knowledge which when applied to the world and community can influence decison making. UBC has educated some of world's great leaders and people, among them are three Canadian prime ministers, most recently Justin Trudeau, the incumbent.

UBC has a great conducive environment which makes learning, studying,and researching easy and productive. Furthermore, UBC appreciates, respects, and recognizes diversity as a vital key in creating a good learning environment. The university also has great professors and lecturers who offer good knowledge to students.

I believe I will fit in perfectly in UBC's community because of character and academic goals. I'm a very hardworking, self motivated, and one who respects and appreciates diversity, I know very student is unique as an individual. My academic goals include being the best among the best and being a good role model to other students.

In addition to the above, I see myself fitting in because of my vision for the future. UBC educates students who will contribute to the world policy making decision. Students and researchers who will make the.world. a.better place where each person can be at there level best. I habe the similar vision for the future as thay of UBC. I believe that one man can Change the world into a better place.

justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Aug 4, 2016   #2
Hi Dennis, as I read through the essay, I was looking for something more vital to answer the prompt, see the thing is, you have the idea in how to answer the prompt and the right words for it as well, however, you seemed to have generalize the whole idea of the essay.

To elaborate this observation, please find the reasons below;

1st paragraph
- It is for this and many other reason that I'm very interested in studying at UBC. - when you say "many other reasons", this may not be enough to create that notion of strong desire or interest in being a part of UBC, you have to be very specific. Most of the time, when someone quotes "many other reasons or many reasons", they normally don't know what these reasons are, so you have to elaborate in this particular answer.

Conclusion paragraph
- I see myself fitting in because of my vision for the future. - on this part of the essay, what are these visions? You see, the sentences are somehow full of questions to follow up and this cannot help your letter to the institution. In writing a letter such as this one, you have to be straight forward, you have to make sure that all your cards are laid down, be prompt in giving your utmost intension to part of the institution and the admission officer will know exactly how to carry your letter over.

I hope the above remarks and corrections are useful to your revision and should you any questions at all, do let us know, we are here for you.
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Aug 4, 2016   #3
Hi Dennis,

First off, I'm going to agree with everything Ivy said. :) I think your essay is very generalized and impersonal. You very nicely explain everything that makes the school great, but none of that relates to you. You need to bring all of those things back and connect them to you. Why does their top 40 ranking make you want to study there over, say, another top 40 ranked school? Why does the fact that UBC has educated 3 prime ministers make you interested in the school? Do you see what I'm getting at here? Anyone can search up the school or read their pamphlet and write that stuff down, but they're not asking you why UBC is an awesome school. They're asking why it is you specifically are interested in it.

When it comes to how you see yourself fitting in, it is about you, but it's still not very powerful. Saying you are hardworking and all of those other things isn't going to really show you are hardworking, etc... If you can show this with an anecdote, experience, story, etc..., that will be much more powerful and actually show the admissions committee you are hard working. Does that make sense?

None of your essay seems like it's really specific to you. And you wrote it, so it should scream Dennis, you know? The way it is now, it could really belong to anyone and I wouldn't know it was even about you if your name wasn't on it. I think you need to really get specific. Don't just say you are hard working. Show how you, Dennis, are hard working in a way that is specifically yours. Don't just say you have a vision; share that vision that is yours and your vision alone.

Those are all my ideas and feedback for you. Please feel free to edit your essay and come back and post it in a new message in this same thread. That way we can continue to give you ideas.

Take care.
OP Dennis65 4 / 16  
Aug 5, 2016   #4
Thank you very much but I'd appreciate if you would give me an example maybe in one or two sentences.
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Aug 6, 2016   #5
This is an example from my personal graduate school entrance essay. It's not too in depth regarding the school because I had a lot to write about and that wasn't the most important thing, but you can see how I tied the school back to myself.

As I pursue my graduate education, I hope to learn in an environment committed to public service with likeminded individuals and inspiring professors where I am able to grow further as a social worker. I consider Hunter a stimulating and inspiring intellectual environment, with professors I can relate to as mentors and professional colleagues, and where I am urged to make meaningful contributions to social work and to our community. I expect to fully participate as an active member of the Social Work community. Beyond being simply a participant, I look forward to being a force for social change.

I could have just as easily said: "Hunter College is committed to public service, and they have inspiring professors. Hunter is a stimulating environment where they urge students to make contributions to society." Do you see the difference there? I talked about how I hoped to utilize the things I saw the college as possessing, instead of just reiterating all of their positive qualities back to them.
OP Dennis65 4 / 16  
Aug 8, 2016   #6
Thank very much, I now understand what you guy are saying. I will redraft my essay then post it again.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Aug 10, 2016   #7
Hi Dennis, thank you for acknowledging our work here on EF, I hope you'll be able revise your essay and come up with an even stronger one that is ready for submission. I believe, with all the efforts as well as your in depth understanding of the topic, it will be a well written essay.

Furthermore, when you do revise you essay, mind the minor details of the essay, your sentences are very crucial in building the essay, having said that, sentence construction is very crucial, the words you associate to the sentences should be as conversational as you can, this way you will be able to relate well to your readers and send your message across.

Now, don't me wrong when I say that you have to be conversational as it is a very fine line between being free to air your side of the matter and the truth, so you have to be very cautious and streamline the idea in order to address the prompt.
OP Dennis65 4 / 16  
Aug 22, 2016   #8
Thank Ivy, I will definitely work on my essay