Good day everyone,
My name is Sari. I applied for Australia Awards Scholarship 2019 and got the rejection. But, actually I have no idea any correction that I should be made. In order to create another essay for apply Awards Scholarship 2020, so I humbly need you to review my essay, I highly open for any suggestions!
Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
My bachelor study on international relations has prepared me with a strong theoretical knowledge about global cooperation and competitive. My work experience increases my practical understanding about logistics to fulfillment global needs. These days, Indonesia logistics are still obstructed in customs and infrastructure aspect, it proved by Logistics Performance Index (LPI) which released by World Bank, Indonesia ranks 46th on 2018 and those aspects got the lowest score. Long process of custom, levies and high operational cost due to inefficient infrastructure are most cases that hamper distribution process of products. This may cause losses of businesses and imbalance between supply and demand.
Therefore, I highly inspired to study about supply chain, where it is a solution to keep the harmony between supply and demand for fulfilment of national needs. Supply chain process involve multi parties and interdependent systems which require to be well managed. Effective and efficient supply chain management will result lower costs and faster production cycle. It means, when Indonesia capable to manufacture cheap, fast and qualified product, Indonesia is not only able to meet national needs, but also global markets.
Furthermore, I desire to be a supply chain manager and completely involve in performance development of goods manufacture in Indonesia. To achieve this, I would like to sharpen my knowledge by taking Master of Science Supply Chain Management and Project Management in University of Wollongong. I determined the University because of the benefits, such as double major offered, disciplinary that cover all related aspect, comprehensive campus facilities, lower cost of living and not densely populated environment.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447
The problem with your essay response is that you focused on your background and explaining the current status of Indonesia in relation to the course you are interested in. What you should have been doing instead is discussing how the problem of Indonesia affects your current job. By explaining how it affects your job, you will be able to present a more proper explanation of why you chose to enroll in this course. Basically, you have to present the following information:
- Your job description
- How the course relates to your current job
- What skills you hope to build based upon the course offering / requirement
- How do these skills building lessons apply to your current tasks? What will it help you address?
- How did you end up choosing the university? What was your criteria?
- How do these criteria represent your academic goals?
- How does your professional requirement and academic goals combine to create a singular career purpose for you?
- What is that career purpose and how does it help resolve an issue in relation to your job?
If you can supply the information based on those guide questions, within 2000 characters, then your application essay will be more relevant to the question posed.
You should explain your 2 different university choice, and 2 courses separately.
Hi holt, i deeply thank to u bout the explaination. Its insightful. Thanks again. ;)
I can see the background on your essay. But I think you need to deepen more the reason on why you choose the institution. For example, maybe you can start research what course that have inline objectives with the background.
I think you need to add a second university preference.