Dear all,
I'm Kartika from Indonesia; and really interested on attending International Youth Camp in Asia. This camp will be held by one reputable organization on anti-corruption. The committee requires an application form including 2 short essays. Could you please give me some comments and advises about my answer and explanation as below?
1) Why are you applying to participate in the International Youth Camp? If selected, what do you expect to gain from this experience?
Joining in the International Youth Camp will give me four advantages. Firstly, I have a big chance to learn deeper about transparency and integrity in the light of [organization name]'s vision on supporting people around the world to live within free of corruption. Secondly, I would love to exchange experiences and ideas between youth about corruption cases and its prevention which happened in Asia. Thirdly, it is an opportunity to participate in a youth network on eradicating corruption and fighting for fairness. Fourth, the corruption and anti-corruption topics correspond to my focus study in promoting sustainable education through implementing living values. Thus, these advantages will contribute to my self-development personally and socially as a daughter, a student, and a citizen.
Name three reasons why you think you should be selected to participate in the International Youth Camp!
The reasons I should be selected to participate in the International Youth Camp are, first of all, I want to be a role model who is proactive to fight against corruption and care for my home country issues although I have been studying abroad. Being silence as a foreign student in foreign country is surely not an option no more. Second, I will bring the passion of [organization name] on accountability, transparency, and integrity to the communities where I am involved, for instance student associations, social movements, and even in the youth organizations in the church. For the time I finish my study abroad and back to my home country (continue my career as a teacher), I must be gladly to share my experience to the students in the school and the people in the social events (such as, events arranged by [some organizations I'm involved in]). Third, I really want to share my living values on creating free-corruption environment that have principally been taught by my parent, then I strengthen during my study in the university and my social activities. These reasons also encourage me to be optimist to join anti-corruption activities, especially in the International Youth Camp.
Thanks a bunch in advance.
1) Why are you applying to participate in the International Youth Camp? If selected, what do you expect to gain from this experience?
Joining in the International Youth Camp will give me four advantages. Firstly, I will have a big chance to learn deeper glean deeper understanding about transparency and integrity in the light of [organization name]'s vision on supporting people around the world to live within free of corruption. Secondly, I would love to exchange experiences insights between youth about corruption cases in Asia and [ts t#008000]its anti-corruption prevention methods.which happened in Asia . Thirdly, it is an opportunity to participate in a youth network with like-minded youths who share the same goals of eradicating corruption and fighting for fairness. Fourth, the corruption and anti-corruption topics correspond to my focus study in promoting sustainable education through implementing living values. Thus, these advantages will contribute to my self-development personally and socially as a daughter, a student, and a citizen.
Name three reasons why you think you should be selected to participate in the International Youth Camp!
The reasons I should be selected to participate in the International Youth Camp are, First of all, I want to be a role modelan advocate who is proactive to fight against corruption and care for in my home country, Indonesia. although I have been studying abroad.(What is the relevance to your status as a foreign scholar? This is not clear.)Being silence as a foreign student in foreign country is surely not an option no more Silence is no longer an option. Secondly, I will bring the passion of [organization name] on accountability, transparency, and integrity back to my communityto the communities where I am involved, for instance student associations, social movements, and even in the youth organizations in the church(Three examples of community organizations are a bit excessive; choose one that you are most involved in or where anti-corruption would have the greatest impact) . For the time After I finish my studystudies abroad and back to my home country ( return to continue my career as a teacher)my teaching career(Are you currently studying a degree in teaching? If not, it should be 'a teaching career') , I must be gladly to would gladly share my experience to the students in the school and the people in the social events (such as, events arranged by [some organizations I'm involved in]) spread awareness to people attending social events for (your organizations). Third, I really want to share my living values on creating afree-corruptioncorruption-free environment that have principally been taught by my parent (How did your parent(s) teach you about anti-corruption? While your family may uphold integrity and transparency, it does not illustrate how you would have direct contact in learning about anti-corruption from your family. If you would like to bring this in, elaborate further) , then I strengthen during my study in the university and my social activities. These reasons also encourage me to be optimist to join anti-corruption activities in future especially in the International Youth Camp .
Hi Kartika,
I'm not sure if I was able to catch all your essay hiccups, so I hope others will contribute haha. Generally, your errors were minor, but it would tend to disrupt the flow of your responses. As a reader, I get the gist that you are a conscientious youth who is passionate about anti-corruption. However, there are times when you fail to stay grounded in your goals and it unintentionally gives an impression of you being somewhat superficial. I think you can really build on your background of being an Indonesian, and how rampant corruption has been detrimental to your home. Having lived in Indonesia for a few years ago, I can vividly recall corruption happening right on the streets, with the policemen asking for bribes. If you can illustrate the woes of corruption, the experiences you take away from this Youth Camp will seem to take deeper root. People screening the applications for these camps would look for visionaries who have the drive to apply their knowledge and eradicate corruption in their part of the world. Convince the reader of that and you'll be fine!
All the best!
Lightjade (Jamie)
Dear Jamie,
Thank you so much for giving me your best advice. I can get it :)
And yes, after reading my essays again and again, I found out that I run too fast and forgot to stay grounded. Anyway, there are 3 more essays that I wrote for the application, but only 2 essays I showed here. The others are about corruption cases and anti corruption campaign. Thank you, Jamie.
Best,
Kartika
