This is very much a first draft of my essay. Any tips on improving the flow of the essay or its effectiveness would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
Prompt: To help the reviewers get to know you, describe an experience you have had, a person who has influenced you, or an obstacle you have overcome. Explain why this is meaningful to you.
"What's your box?" The speaker's words, amplified by the microphone, resonated in my mind. What is my box? I know what my box is, that is the thing that limits me, that keeps me from opening myself up to the world, and I am well aware of the fact that it exists. But why does my box exist? I didn't know, and that's why I couldn't stop mulling over those three words.
That assembly was unlike any that I had ever been to. The man who came to speak that day was unique. Instead of talking at us, it was like he was having a conversation with all six hundred of us. His message was simple: don't be scared. Don't be scared to break your box, to be yourself, and to get mad.
He asked us, the audience, to raise our hands if we had a box. The majority of the people sitting in the auditorium did, some reluctantly, others without hesitation. I kept my hands resting timidly in my lap. And that's when I realized. That was my box. I deny myself of the liberty of letting people in, and, in all honesty, I had no idea why it was there, barring me in almost every facet of my life.
That night, exhausted, I laid on my bed and squeezed my eyes shut, but sleep did not come as easily as I had hoped or expected. Instead, I found myself pondering over that one question: why does my box exist? Although my eyes were focused intently on the ceiling, I was looking at a slideshow of my life. I scanned through the years, looking for one particular event so profound that it altered the way that I presented myself to the public. And I found nothing. Sure, there were some sad moments in my life, but none where there was such a discernible difference in my attitude after it passed.
I found myself dismayed by my fruitless search. But in that time that I spent engrossed in my psyche, I took a close look at my mental processes and I learned more about myself than I ever had before. I know now that there is no single event that altered my development or defined me; I am who I am because of a multitude of factors and it is important that I come to accept these aspects of myself if I am to change.
In my opinion, it is essential that we get to know ourselves, even if we don't know what exactly makes us the people we are. if we hope to mature and develop, it helps to have an understanding of ourselves. In that one day of introspection, I learned a lot about myself. That assembly is significant to me because it prompted a single question that inspired a progression in my way of thinking.
River, while you present a good story about self discovery, there are certain elements lacking that, if present, could have helped better solidify the basis of your paper. Right now, this feels like a generic paper that does not really say much about the event or person that you are telling us helped changed your life. So you need to work on those points.
First of all, you talk about this person, and the pivotal, life changing question that he asked. However, you never truly built up the situation leading to this question. Who is this person? Why was he at your school? Why was he giving this talk? The reason you need to let the reader know this is because this speaker influenced you to think about something you had not considered important before. So he must be an important person for your school to have scheduled assembly time just to hear what he had to say. So let us know all about him. Just so we can get an idea as to why he was able to influence you that way.
The way your essay is currently set up, you are trying to talk about an influential person and an experience that you have had. Finding out that you were shutting people out was probably something that affected you greatly. I am sure you made the effort to find out why you do that. Let us know what that process was like. Did you ever find the answer of perhaps a reason behind this trait of yours? How did the man's talk help you achieve that status of enlightenment and reason?
Finally, we need to know, how did that realization and your efforts to overcome that obstacle (yes, you can cover all 3 points in one essay thanks to your very interesting topic) help you become a better person? Who are you now because of the talk that you heard? How have you changed? How do you think it will continue to change you in the future? Where does the scholarship fit into these changes you hope to achieve on a personal level?
