I am writing to apply for a scholarship in Japan. The essay consists of 3 part and here is the first one:
the Self-Introduction
Thank you for reading. Please tell me what you think about it.
This is a girl from the humble countryside of Vietnam, looking for chance to change her life forever after.
My name is Dang Ngoc Thien Kim and now, I am a final-year student in Tang Bat Ho Upper Secondary School in Binh Dinh, Vietnam. As you can see from the beginning, I am trying all my best to make the biggest change in my life: attending Toyo University.
I was born in a small town in Binh Dinh. As the second-born child, I receive the love and care from my parents as well as my brother, growing up to be a girl who is full of energy and enthusiasm. I have been a vice monitor for 3 years as I scored the highest in the entrance exam among my classmates. It gives me a chance to be a leader, helps me to develop my leadership skills. Thanks for that, I was able to bring my team to the first prize in the English Speaking contest held for all students in the grade. In my class, I also helps my friends to solve their difficulties while studying, especially in English-my favorite and my most proficient subject.
My love for English is stemmed from my brother, through the first English song he played for me, "Numb" of Linkin Park. Since then, I have realized that English is so wonderful that it connects people all over the world, enables them to communicate and share thoughts with each other.
I started my first English classes when I was nine years old and studied quite well at this subject. When I was twelve, I took my first prize on the contest for Gifted Students. I have been learning English for eight years, enrolling in many contests such as the Excellent Student contest, Violympic English, and receiving some prizes as well as gaining a huge amount of knowledge.
Though I express myself as a sociable person, I used to be very shy and quiet person. Deciding to apply for Toyo University is the first time I have made such a challenging decision. However, I believe that it is not a bad choice. If I am accepted, I will be able to study in a modern environment, learn more about the world, in order to improve myself and become a successful person.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Thien, there is a concept behind these self introduction essays that need to be realized in your presentation. Now, that is not to say that you did not do a good job with this essay. It is actually pretty good but is not as informative as it should be. The parts that you have to keep are the description of your family life, without the "there was a girl" representation. Simply present the information as a straightforward narrative. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read poetic words or fairytale like depictions of life. He needs to get your written interview over sooner rather than later because of the number of applications he has to read in a day. Reviewers all appreciate direct information presentations and it helps them to remember your application more than the others when you write stand out information. Here are some guide questions that can help you enhance your personal introduction:
1. When did you first learn about Toyo University?
2. What is the motivation behind your application? What made you choose this university over the others.
3. Since you want to major in English, why do you think you can learn about this better at Toyo rather than at an American University where the classes are taught in English?
4. Why do you think that studying in Japan will be an advantage to you academic and social-wise?
These 4 questions should help to give your essay more weight in terms of information for the reviewer to take note of.
