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My journey to study in the United States.

naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Nov 22, 2017   #1

US scholarship, Personal Statement

Question: (write a clear narrative that explains how you have attained your achievements so far and describes your future goals. please include information about your education, practical experience, special interests, and career objectives. But it should not be a mere listing of facts. describe any significant factors that have influenced your educational, professional, and leadership development.)

My answer:
Challenge is not a word unfamiliar to me. What I know is finding solutions and overcoming challenges in life. From beginning of high school I faced different obstacles, but my reaction was only through problem solving. For example, during school I failed repeatedly in math. I did not give up I researched and solved the challenge, the result was not only improvement of my analytic skills in math, but also a book for others, "Name of book" a book for easy understanding and improvement of analytical skills of students who want to study Engineering and Economics. The book finally was published by a Youth Association. As I was writing the book, my interest in science developed and let me to choose Civil engineering as my field of study and profession.

I started studying Civil Engineering in (Name) University where my goal was not just earning a Civil Engineering degree - it was education in all dimension. Most of my experiences were out of class, from participating in university's research projects and writing articles for university's magazine. At university, high score in Construction Management, Engineering Economy, Highway and Wastewater was not only the reason of interest in these subjects, but also I could easily see my interest through other activities, translation of (Name) Master plan from English to Persian language which was assigned by my teacher made me aware about need for Master plans in (Name of country). When I was senior, I did my bachelor thesis in, "Name" with an emphasis on road transport and infrastructure in (Name). It was the time when I knew that urban planning with specialization in transportation and infrastructure is exactly the field of study at which I want to pursue my academic career.

Before graduation from university and serving as an Engineer for community, I was thinking about big challenges in (Name of country)'s cities and seeking solutions. This led me to participate in a conference by help of my teacher about one of those challenges which I was looking at. During one week conference of, "Name)", I learned about water and sanitation system in (Name) city and how to design and construct this system to reduce wastewater pollution in (Name of country). After I graduated, at the first days of my life as an Engineer in my own city (Name of city) center of (Name) province, a province in west zone of (Name of country) with low income and lack of transportation, environment and infrastructure systems, I tried to change the poor condition of wastewater system in the city by introducing (Name of system). I did a complete package including design and proposal of this system voluntarily for a girl school with more than 2000 students to (Name of province) education department to aware the city's residents and introduce the system to people and change the wastewater system in the city which was old system and damaged the environment of the city.

Beside all my volunteer activities within my field and community my aim was to work in a national organization. As a result of working in (Name of organization) in (Name) city as District Engineer for the city transportation and infrastructure sub projects, I realized and faced many challenges. During working in (Name of organization) I found that the city lacks infrastructure facilities and a reliable transportation system. Moreover, I could understand how to plan and manage a project and overcome against all challenges during planning and management in a graveling project of a road in south of (Name) city. In addition, during my free time I was following the urban issues changes and challenges in (Name of country) by my Facebook page by the name of, "Name" to protest for environmental condition, road condition, transportation challenges and government plans and policies for (Name of country) cities, by protesting I could show the local government officials in (Name) city that our city is in dire need of a Master plan.

However, it was my first experience of establishing an organization but I understood from my experiences in (Name of organization) how to organize and manage projects, I could establish a private organization by the name of, "Name" in (Name) city to provide architectural plans and designs for people who want to build new buildings and to change the construction system from old to modern in the city.

Seeing new people and learning about new cultures is one of my interests in the life, when I was in university during my vacation I went to (Name of a foreign country) to enhance my engineering skills by learning new software's, to know about their culture and learn a new language which is my best hobby, I went to different cities and saw different cultures, when I came back I shared my experience with my friends and classmates about engineering software's and (Name) nation. I was inspired by young and talented professor by the name of (Name) who used this opportunity and is currently studying his master's degree, through many talks and interactions with him I became aware about (Name of this scholarship) program and found this program as an opportunity which I can learn about new nation and learn new things about my career.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3344  
Nov 22, 2017   #2
Naseer, your essay is running too long at this point and you still have not covered all of the important bases required for presentation in the essay. If I were you, I would not try to tell my autobiography in this essay. Instead, I would compartmentalize my presentation to only a specific highlight for each section. That way I can present relevant information, without risking any boredom setting in with the reviewer. For starters, you can cut to the chase in your opening paragraph by immediately indicating that you are a published author, then backtracking to say that the reason you got a book published is because you were poor in math. I noticed that in that section, you said that this was pivotal in developing your interest in science and led you to Civil Engineering. You will need to expand on that presentation in order to show the academic path that you ended up taking. The rest of the essay seems to be a good narrative. The problem though is that you are not discussing your future goals and career objectives clearly. You will need to present that discussion towards the end of the essay.
OP naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Nov 23, 2017   #3
Hi thanks for your feedback.
this is the essay that i worked on last year and submitted it to Fulbright Scholarship, US embassy. but unfortunately, my application was rejected according to my low TOEFL score not this essay.

the word count is not much for what the scholarship wanted. still i have more than 100 words space to add in this essay.
i want to revise this essay and use for this term i mean for this year in the scholarship.
so I really need a detailed feedback.
the scholarship needs two essays, one is personal statement and the other is Study objective and future plan which i will Threat it next time here and i hope you review it.

i hope you point out every points that need to be revised or deleted and any new instruction in the whole of the essay.
i really need your feedback.

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