KGS 2019 Personal statement (International Studies)

education - human's mirror

Hello, I would like some help with my personal statement please:

Immanuel Kant, a German philosopher, once wrote that a man is nothing more than what education makes of him. From that reading I understood that academic education is a fundamental tool to positively transform the living conditions of the citizens of my country, XXXX.

XXXX is a country with a great cultural miscegenation, diverse traditions and beautiful landscapes. However, it is also a country with enormous inequality and lack of opportunities for our people. According to the study Education a Glance 2017 of the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, only 17% of XXXX have access to university education. My father was the only one of his 7 brothers who had the opportunity to study beyond basic education. Meanwhile, my mother, who is now a teacher, had to work throughout her adolescence to pay for her studies, since she, like many XXXX, belonged to a sector of the population that was highly marginalized and with great economic needs.

The experience of my parents, whom I admire and respect, is why I hope to be selected for the KGSP program promoted by NIIED, because from them I learned that study must be valued and that, through it, we can help change our lives and that of the people around us.

In addition to the above, as a graduate in International Studies, I understand the complex global scenario in which XXXX finds itself and that public policies in my country have not been able to solve the problems and needs of the population. Therefore, if I get accepted in the KGSP, I would channel the knowledge acquired to promote the development of alternative solutions for the public problems that afflict XXXX and many other regions.

Furthermore, my interest in pursuing postgraduate studies in Korea intensified after I had the opportunity in 2015 to conduct an academic exchange at XXX. During this period I understood the challenges that my colleagues faced every day. However, the gratification with which they received their education and the pride of belonging to an institution of educational excellence at a global level did nothing but further boost my educational aspirations.

Thanks to all the above, I learned that the country that cares and occupies itself for the needs of its population, is the one that is worthy of admiration, this is South Korea. A place that through discipline, hard work and, above all, education, has achieved incredible levels of development in recent years, in contrast to its neighbors and many other countries in the world. I am sure that XXXX is a country that needs to follow in the footsteps of this Asian tiger in order to achieve economic, social and educational well-being. This is why the KGSP would be an excellent opportunity for me to develop in a multicultural and multifaceted environment, where I can interact with people of all nationalities and create connections of ideologies and goals, always seeking welfare for human beings in a sustainable, harmonious, peaceful and reliable way.

Finally, I see myself as a capable and disciplined candidate to be able to develop postgraduate studies in Korea, through my strengths and weaknesses, I have learned a lot about myself. My current goals and my plans for the future, go hand in hand to boost my education, and with it, bring knowledge to my country that have a social, economic and cultural impact within the local, regional and national communities. I want to recognize the effort that organizations like NIIED do to open spaces of knowledge and competitiveness and appreciate the opportunity to present my candidacy.

First of all hi and good luck on the scholarship! I am not capable of reviewing your essay but I have a few suggestions.
First, I think you tried to use too many phrases while starting your sentences and sometimes it looks a little forced. I suggest simply writing your sentence or starting with -ing verbs.

Second, here I see "why" you want to be selected by GKS but I have no idea "what" you are going to do. Stating your career path or academic goals clearly is important. In order to do all of this, what are you going to study/research?

Last, I may suggest that you talk more in depth of the things you mentioned like the exchange program. What are those challanges? Why did it boostyour aspirations? It seems vague without the details.

All in all, it is a simple and complete essay but it needs more depth and detail, in my opinion.

Cris, as I read your essay, I came to the conclusion that you are another of the students who decided to write a GKS personal statement without considering the discussion requirements of the essay. This is reflected in the way that you do not address the following required discussion topics:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
Reason for studying in Korea
Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

The only aspect of this essay that could be taken as a response to the given discussion topic is the latter part that explains your reason for studying in Korea. Aside from that part, the essay doesn't really explain everything else. You totally skipped the education and work experience, there is no evidence of your ability to conduct research nor do you show a passion for graduate study. This is not an effective essay and I do not doubt that it would be eliminated in the screening round.

If you want to have a chance to make it past the screening round then write a new essay that clearly addresses every aspect of required information. That is the only way that the screener will identify whether you meet the minimum requirements to make it to the next round of application reviews or not.