Please correct me about the grammatical error or non coherent paragraph or something else that strengthen my personal statement. Urgent
I'm apply for Computer Science and Engineering.
KGSP Undergraduate Program Personal Statement
One of my motivations for joining the Korean Government Scholarship Undergraduate Program is because of my admiration for South Korea. I am amazed by how they can become a developed country in various fields, especially in the field of technology. Even though South Korea and my country Indonesia were independent at the same time, namely Indonesia on August 17, 1945, and South Korea on August 15, 1945. However, South Korea was far more advanced and superior to Indonesia. Besides, I am also interested in their culture and language such as "ppali ppali" culture, it makes me interested to learn life there firsthand, where I have to be fast and always agile which is a new challenge for me.
Having an interest in computer science and engineering could not be separated from my family who introduced me to that world. My father worked in the printing business so he was always in front of his computer which made me wonder how the little thing worked, why the words could appear on the screen or how the applications were formed. Then my brother, a prospective sports teacher who likes to play games and sometimes he invites me to join him but thinks instead of playing it better I make it. From then on I determined that making games or becoming a game developer became part of my life.
I have an interest in studying foreign cultures and languages, one of which is Korean and Japanese. However, my school does not provide foreign languages other than English and Japanese. In the end, I joined the Japanese extracurricular. When I was the chair of extracurricular activities, I managed to run previous alumni programs that were previously unsuccessful such as making Japanese food stands, making special clothes for members and making 2 language comics namely in Japanese and Indonesian which are the second school comics in Indonesia which was successfully published. Besides being part of making comics, I also served as a translator of the comics. My teacher entrusted the task to me after I successfully passed the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) Level N5.
Besides being active in extracurricular activities, I am also active in competitions such as drawing anime/manga, singing and giving speeches in Japanese. For my interest in Korea, I learned self-taught using books and the internet, I often listened to Korean songs and then searched for their meanings and memorized them. For now, I can read Korean letters and can make a few simple sentences.
The third year of high school is when you have to decide whether you want to go to college or work. And I chose to go to college so I could focus on my dream of being a Game Developer. From grade 1 to grade 3 I always get rank 3 in my class, because of my good grades I became an invited student participant. I chose the School of Electrical Engineering & Informatics major at the Bandung Institute of Technology but I was declared not qualified. At that time I thought that the world was unfair because I had worked hard to become an invited student, but the reality was different. In that worst situation, my mother was the one who always encouraged me and told me that hard work would not betray the results, and my mother always said that everyone has their way, what we need to do is always do our best and try to be the best in the best way.
A few months later, I found this KGSP scholarship and I was reminded by my mother's words that everyone has their fate and I am sure that this is my destiny. That I learned about Computer Science and Engineering in South Korea, became a Game Developer and then founded a private school about games on an International scale. I hope the Korean Government Scholarship Program can make that happen.@catlover12
Hey, welcome to the forum. Best of luck in your applications for the KGSP! Aside from this, I hope that the feedback you receive here would somehow help.
I admire the straightforward approach in the first paragraph. The clarity in language and directness would certainly propel your application forward. My concern with the introductory portion was that the direction that it took after the thesis statement ended up being confusing. Notice how you were already talking heavily about South Korea itself as a country midway. You can evade these forms of semantics to give way for a more fruitful discussion.
The transition between the second and third paragraph also needs to be sorted out to be bettered. Observe how you did not even try to bring readers in a more smoother manner. Try adding transitional phrases such as "this brings us into" and so on. These would certainly help you find a more holistic approach to writing.
While it was great that you had dedicated space to talking about your proficiency in Japanese, it doesn't have a humongous impact on the writing because of the topic. Try to minimize these unnecessary portions to maximize the space you have for the evaluators to see your potential.
