Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width Posts: 2


KGSP statement: Motivations, background in family and education, experiences, activities, skills...


den_holms 1 / -  
Sep 3, 2017   #1
Hi, I am Denny
Could you check my personal statement?

This is what they asked for;
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.


KGSP Associate Scholarship Personal Statement



Firstly, I want to say thanks for these opportunities. When I was starting to begin research on scholarship offer, I found that South Korea is offer great scholarship opportunities for foreigner. Going abroad to the one of Tiger of Asia country is the biggest dream I have. South Korea has excellent quality of education and advance technology that will give me competitive education in the future. Besides, meeting with foreign person around the world can open up new perspective and understanding for my development. In addition, I want to make my parents happy and inspire young generation in Indonesia before I am not existing anymore.

Online communication, artificial intelligence, or smartphone are example of technology innovation that has changed human life easier. It is my reason why I made choose of my vocational high school that day, beside my interest in the field of technology especially computer and machine. I have accomplished academic experience related to the field yet my passion and basic knowledge of technology specifically computer, network, and informatics that I have, make me a good fit to challenge myself upon further. Meanwhile, Mechatronic is fundamental to face the world nowadays, so I aware to learn and develop my knowledge in this field. Then, I will have great contribution to the society because of my country's fact of having fallen behind.

I often follow many organizations. I had celebrated much different kind of events such as performing arts, independence's day competition, etc. Collaborating with new different environments also made me learned much about communication, ethics, team-work, and many more. Someday a difficult condition happened to our organizations that gave me a choice between take the lead or focus on what I like. Student Council in my school that day was in nearly disperse. I decided to focus on fixing the trouble while I made a sacrifice of my hobby. I was trying to step by step passing the trouble. Sacrifice, consistency, effort, focus, and discipline I have done turns out much significant result. With this I learned much about leadership, management, problem solving, or survival.

Follow up today's development or just being profitable for others are important, but in another case history or local culture have to be preserved. Beside my usual activities to share in many social activities like social service to flood victims, group visit to Islamic school, etc. I also have involved with extracurricular named Pencak Silat. Pencak SIlat is a self-defend technique and also as an inheritance culture of Indonesia. I eager to make an achievement and preserve it. In 2015, I successful obtained silver medal in International Pencak Silat Championship that is JKTChamp III. I intend to show this to the world someday.

I realize the strength of academic achievement determined the successful in advanced academic and I believe the challenge learning mechatronic is hard. Therefore, with my experiences and effort while I was in graduation ceremony I awarded as the best graduated student and the best score of national exam in my school that give me much confident to still fighting for it. Continuing study reference in the field that I passionate on is really worth to do and thanks for that opportunity. I hope my personal statement will be considered. I apologize if there is something wrong. Thanks in advance.

Signed,

Denny Hermawan
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4773  
Sep 4, 2017   #2
Denny, I do not know how to say this without offending you. This essay is one big mess that does not make any sense at all and does not respond to the prompt requirements in a manner that would allow for a proper consideration of your essay submission. In fact, the reviewer will not even finish your first paragraph before he decides to reject your application.

The work that you wrote sounds like you used a very bad translator program to write it. I have a feeling that you wrote this essay first in your native language then translated it word for word into English. Doing that results in a disaster as evidenced by this essay that you wrote. There is no reference to your family background or significant experiences that proves you can overcome obstacles towards your path to success, and the parts that do correspond to the prompt requirements are highly difficult to understand. You need to be specific about your extra curricular and community activities as well. It is too general in presentation and does not really offer any real information that can be of help to the reviewer in considering your application.

It is unfortunate that your essay is so badly developed. However, I cannot revise this essay so that the grammar can be improved and the content can be made more prompt relevant. You need professional help to fix this paper. I strongly suggest you look up our services link avail of the assistance that it offers. If you wish to try and revise this essay yourself, you can start by totally removing the first paragraph because it is not useful in your presentation. There is no need to waste the time of the reviewer by reading your thanks that you were allowed to apply for the scholarship. Just jump directly into an accurate response for each instruction. Make sure you respond, per paragraph, to every instruction. That way, you can tell for yourself if the essay is responsive at all to the prompt.


Home / Scholarship / KGSP statement: Motivations, background in family and education, experiences, activities, skills...
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳